Par - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

✗ ( EVIE )

She’d tied the knots with the same precision she applied to everything else, making them easy enough to unfurl; her fingers moved with nimble efficiency as they completed the task with minimal effort—retying them just as quickly before he could change his mind. Giving a gentle tug to make sure he couldn’t escape before she was ready, hum of satisfaction escaped her when they held.

“There is a time for slow and gentle…” she countered, fingers sliding down along his arm—traveling the hard ridge of his bicep. Ducking her head down, lips replaced fingers, completing the journey across his broad shoulder to his neck—favoring the soft spot just below his ear with a feathery kiss right where he seemed to like it best. “… do you want that time to be now, Jacob?”

Four days—that was how long it had taken them to obtain the measure of privacy required to satisfy their needs. Four blasted days filled with subtle innuendos dropped in mixed company—phrases that trigger sensory memories so intense they left her trembling. Four days of teasing smiles and heated secret glances—even an instance or two of outright groping when others were turned away. By the time his teasing was done even the most casual accidental grazing of his hand against hers stoked the fire burning within her to the point moisture pooled betwixt her legs. He’d gotten her so worked up she’d begun to fear she might lose control completely and scandalize all of London by attacking him on the bloody street with roaming hands and feverish, hungry kisses. It was the most exquisite torture she’d ever experienced—and she was determined to repay every single second in full.

The telltale hardness pressing against her confirmed she was off to a rousing start.

“Do you know why  I asked for this Jake? Why I wanted you tied beneath me?” she purred, trailing her lips along the strong line of his jaw—slowly working her way to his lips, but not yet claiming them. Hers hovered but a hair’s breadth from his—oh so close, but not quite  touching.  So close that it would be far easier to close the distance than to maintain it—but she didn’t.

“I intend to put you through the same delicious agony that you’ve inflicted on me for the last four bloody days—and I don’t intend to stop until you’re writing beneath me, begging for the sweetness of release.”

▌ ▌ a happy valentine - @booksandblades

♖— He let out a soft sound of relief from her touch, it was sweet, gentle and teasing but there was still a level of intimacy in it that he craved. The knowledge that she had never touched another man in such a way, with such carnal intent - moments like this with her belonged to him and him alone.  However, when her touched were replaced by her lips he couldn’t keep from making a soft sound of pleasure -- not even trying to bite back the noises, they were alone on the train, and he had a feeling she wanted to hear every sound that built up inside him.

♖— The  kisses were beautiful, they felt amazing, but the problem was -- they did nothing to relieve the pressure inside him. Every kiss made his already acute senses hyper-aware, every nerve responding to even the slight stimuli. He turned his head, trying to catch her lips as she moved -- he wanted a kiss dammit!” Point of this is what you want...” He whispered in answer to her question, licking his lips slowly as he stared up into the crystal blue eyes that had him hypnotized since birth.

♖— “ I do not know...” He murmured to her question but as she explained he let out a low groan. He remembered the last four days, yes he had teased her, had let his hands roam when no one had been looking there way, but that was because he could not help himself. His ache for her had been constant; even the sweetest smile could turn his thoughts perfectly sinful --- no matter who had been around them.” You say this like I have not been in agony as well.” He murmured, convinced he could feel his pulse between his legs.

Happiness used to be getting lost in his music or even his art, hitting those notes he worked relentlessly on and finally getting it and finishing a piece he’s been working on for ages. He never knew how bright happiness could be until the day he found out Gigi was expecting their child, the day Khai made her grand appearance was absolutely Earth shattering for Zayn in the best ways. She was happiness, she was love, she was his entire world. And he almost lost that when shit hit the fan with him and Yolanda, and Zayn would be lying if he said he didn’t resent the grandmother of his child for that. His peace of mind was violated, his space invaded by such an overwhelming presence who in turn caused a scene so big that it put his world at risk, whether it be emotionally, physically or both. He almost lost everything because of it, but by the grace of God, Gigi was willing to work with him. He lost her too, but he didn’t lose Khai and for that he was grateful.

For that, he’d be civil with Yolanda (if civil meant ignoring her completely, even if she addressed him) It was for the best, really. For Khai, for her, for the slew of loath heated things he wanted to say, hell even for Gigi. He smiled his thanks as Gigi handed him her phone, hues immediately taking to the screen as the smile widens on his lips, “Hi, baby.” Every negative thing just melted off at her smile, nothing else in the world mattered then. “You sleep well tonight, okay? When I get back we can read the farm animals all the bedtime stories and whatnot.” The small laugh of Khai echoes in the room, “I love you, goodnight baby.” And with that, the call ended. A call would never be enough, not really. Zayn would always want more one on one time with her.

And just like that, his smile is wiped from his features as Gigi comes in like a fucking hurricane, “It might.” And she would never know how true that almost came to be. “Our daughter. The one we both agreed on the way we want to raise her, and your mother shat on that. And you backed her up on it.” That was the greatest betrayal, really. One that still hurt to this day, but giving Gigi that power was not in the cards tonight. “For all we fuckin’ know, she’s feeding her one goddamn almond and telling her to watch her figure.” Just like he did with her own daughters, one of the many reasons Zayn didn’t want Yolanda having any say in their daughters upbringing. “What do you want from me, Gi? Sit in a circle with her and sing kumbaya? She -” He bites his tongue, shaking his head as he took a breath. “I didn’t talk to her, that’s about as much nice she gets from me.”

𝐇𝐔𝐍𝐆 𝐔𝐏 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 / gigi + zayn.

📅 : sunday, may 26th. 📍 : gigi's suite, the bellagio. ⛔ : n/a

gigi's features illuminated brighter than the sun as she engaged proudly with her daughter beside zayn. her wrist cramping from holding the phone up as long as had, though, she would never complain because a phone call was hardly sufficient enough in her eyes. in fact, she'd felt on edge on top of everything else going on, she despised being so disconnected from khai. she blew her a kiss after kiss before passing the phone over to the male, offering him a chance to say his own goodbye. "say goodnight to baba now.. and be good, okay? i'll call you in the morning." she got up, wandering into the doorframe as she kept an ear out, purposely eavesdropping. it's not that she didn't trust him with khai, it was just that she was nervous. especially since her ex boyfriend's contact with yolanda, her mom, was practically nonexistent. so the fact he had to see her through a facetime visit was making every muscle on her body tense up. the blonde spun around as she caught wind of the call ending. a short and slightly irritated tone emerges as she takes her phone from his grasp. "you know it wouldn't kill you to be nice to her. she is watching your daughter." @malikfms

He falters for all of a second, a sliver of that wall he’s put up around himself falling for just one second as he takes in her stance, “I know that, Gi.” His tone is softer, “I trust you. But I don’t trust her.” There would never be a time in his life where he’d freely trust Yolanda, and while he would never admit it to Gigi, Bella or anyone for that matter, he was absolutely terrified for Khai’s safety when she was in the company of Yolanda. He wanted to trust that she’d keep her granddaughter safe, but it wasn’t as if she had glowing recommendations for Zayn to comfortably fall back on.

“And where’s the respect that she needs to give me as Khai’s father?” And just like that, the edge to his tone is back, the wall slamming shut around him. “She has crossed our boundaries again, and again, and again. And when I was firm in our boundaries, she threw my entire character in the mud and took everything from me. My peace, you, the emotional wellbeing of our daughter, my job. I lost it all and I expected you to at least have my back on this, but you’re just so -” He bites his tongue again, harsher this time as the taste of blood teases his senses. “You turned your back on me too. And now when Khai gets older, she’s going to see all this shit that I supposedly hurt her grandmother when you know damn well I didn’t.” A humorless laugh left his lips then at her comment, “I hope she does. I hope that she grows up to be firm in the way she feels about something. I hope that she sets her boundaries with people and makes it clear that if they’re crossed, that’s it. I hope she grows up to realize that forgiveness is possible, but not freely given to people who don’t deserve it, when they’ve done absolutely nothing to earn it back.” He wanted all that and more for Khai, “I know that I’m not the saint in this entire thing, but why is it that I'm the only one to blame? Why was it so fucking hard for you to have my back?”

their arrangement was anything, but ordinary. gigi was completely self aware of that. the last few years had probably been the hardest years of her life. with khai's inquisitive nature, consistently wondering why she couldn't spend all her days with both of her parents, it was a heavy burden to carry around. though at the end of the day, all that mattered to her was the unity of her family and even zayn to an extent, because no matter what had transpired between them in the past, he was always going to part of her family.

her arms crossed across her chest as she defensively as she shook her head in disagreement, approaching the opposite direction of the room. "you know that i keep her out of it as much as i can, but she's still khai's oma. you need to come to respect that." her voice was firm and more frank than usual. deep down, she bargained with zayn's demons out of tender care and devoted loyalty. she did it because she knew that he was close to very few people who knew the real him. but one thing she could not bargain with was the hateful rhetoric about her mother. gigi laid down the law firmly after their split years ago, that the two of them were to speak respectfully or not speak at all as it concerned the other. at least while she and her daughter remained audience to it. "zayn." she hissed. the irritability grew stronger as she tried to grasp at straws, anything, to find the patience to deal with him. it was bad enough that they had one more night away from their daughter and then adding, some anonymous person threatening their reputations, it was all too much. "why are you so stubborn? do you not understand that khai picks up on your behavior?" deep down the blonde knew she was crossing a line with zayn by mentioning his influence over their child. but, it had to be said. while it was exhausting constantly being a voice of reason. there seemed to be no other option.

He felt small in this moment, sitting here on the edge of Gigi’s bed as she stood - the topic heavy with things that they so desperately needed to say to each other, though it’s been years they never got the closure they needed, not really. Zayn was awful with talking about how he felt, often doing the talking through music and whenever he had that chance to talk about it, it just wasn’t the time or place. As a long breath is taken in, Zayn closes his eyes for a moment, calming the thundering of his heart. The talk of trust was kind of amusing to him, given their circumstances. But when it came to Khai, he’d always trust Gigi. He takes another moment, gathering his thoughts before he opens his eyes, hues immediately falling on the blonde as they’ve always done whenever she was around. “Who protected you?” He asks, “Who protected Bella? Who was around to smother that seed of doubt that your mother planted? Who was around to tell you that you can eat whatever the fuck you want? That you can enjoy a slice of your own goddamn birthday cake? That you can play whatever sport you want because it didn’t fucking matter if you were a size two or a size sixteen? I do trust you, so much more than you know Gigi. I know you’ll go to the ends of this Earth for Khai and I love that so fucking much. But – you’re not there right now, who’s protecting Khai from all of that when we’re not around? I don’t want to be this person that keeps bagging on your mum, I really don’t. I hate it, I hate that I have this strong distaste for her, I hate that you’re put in this position because of it. But how do we know for certain that she’s not planting those very seeds into our daughter's mind?” Fear shone in his eyes at the very thought, running a hand along the curve of his jaw. A muscle in his jaw feathers, hands flexing and before he has time to even think it through, he’s already speaking. “Come with. It’s your day anyways, I have a few extra rooms that you can stay in, Khai can have that small sense of normalcy for at least a night.” He worried for Khai’s safety all the time, of course, but he also worried about Gigi’s. He knew Yolanda would never physically hurt her, but words tended to have more of a punch than anything.

“You didn’t?” He asks, a brow lifting as he gives her a second to think about that. Zayn was done feeling small, done feeling like the walls around them were going to cave in in just about any second. It was his turn to stand, walking to the other end of the room and he leaned against the wall, hands resting behind him as his ankles crossed. “That’s exactly it, Gigi. You never made a statement. And I’m not talking about the press, I’m talking about between all of us. You never said anything. I pleaded with you to listen to me, if I didn’t have my dignity intact I would have pleaded on my goddamn knees. Whether you choose to see it or not, you did choose a side. Your silence was loud as fucking day and she fucking revels in that. She has her claws in you so deep that you will never see her wrongdoings. But it’s easy to see my wrongdoings right? I raise my voice, stand my ground and tell her to get out of the house and all she has to do is shed a few tears, throw accusations left and right and I’m the bad guy. It’s all my fault. There can’t possibly be any other way.” The sarcasm thick on his tongue. This was a lot of truth for him, much more than he’s said before - then again he never got the chance. “That’s the thing, Gigi. You shouldn’t have to. I never stood a chance from the beginning.” His jaw flexes as he feels his eyes burn with the tears he would not let shed, “Think about it, really think about it, has she ever been like this with any of your other exes?” A brow lifts in question, head tilted to the side ever so slightly. “I needed you that night. I needed you to stand with me on that, I appreciate that you’re finally standing up for me about it, but the damage is already done. She got what she wanted from the very beginning.” Hues burned into hers for a few seconds before brows pull together, licking his lesser lip over. “Have you ever stopped to think that she might possibly be out to sabotage just about anything that doesn't involve her?”

His dark gaze follows as she circles the room, he caught the little blip in her sentence but she was quick to fix it and Zayn didn’t want to shed more light on it. When it came to them, so long as Yolanda kept whispering the poison she did in Gigi’s ears, there would never be a future for them. Yet, another thing Yolanda took from him. “No, I don’t think that.” He answers honestly, shaking his head. “I want you to be happy too, I’ve always wanted that.” The small truth emits with a small breath. “I don’t want you to pretend.” But what Zayn wanted didn’t really matter anymore, did it? He opens his mouth to object to her causing him pain, but he stalls, and decides against it. She did hurt him, he’d be lying if he said that she didn’t. He knew for a damn fact that he hurt her too, putting her in this position between her mother and him. “Say that again, but slowly.” They have Khai, they did it together. A small scoff leaves his lips, hands coming up to pull at strands that weren’t there as he pushes himself off the wall, nearing Gigi and offering her this small part of vulnerability that he had locked away so securely since that night a couple years ago. “I loved you, so fucking much and you looked me dead in the eyes and actually believed that I would do something like that. Do you know what it’s like to look at the person that you swear you’re going to marry one day only to see doubt in their eyes? See fear? Fear not just for them, but fear for their daughter? Or what it's like to hear said daughter screaming crying because her safety and peace was invaded and you can't do a damn thing about it because every time you try to protect her, you're blocked off? Because I have, and let me tell you it fucking hurts. So I’m sorry that I’m not talking to your mother, but me not saying anything to her is for the best for everyone, the least you could do is trust me on that.”

his ability to reason and choose tenderness naturally sedates her, bringing her to a much calmer state. it's like staring into the face of nostalgia and being reminded of a place they built a home in. a safe space where communication was easier. now things were so... tough. so complicated. "okay so then trust me.. trust that i will never let anything happen to her." she was defeated in tone. it was the constant pull between her family and zayn. she understood him, more than he probably even realized, but did he understand her? truly understand why she handled things the way she did. "z, we'll see her tomorrow. i can drop her off at your place. i think it would be good for her to stay with you tomorrow night.. i'll just stay at my mom's and then her and i can head back to new york later in the week."

her peace offering to give up their daughter on her own scheduled day was not enough to cut the tension in half, as much as she hoped it would be. the somber gaze fell to the ground as he spoke about his own need for respect. she had shut down, something she often did when she had no rebuttal. plummeting draggers dressed in cold truth took their precise aim at her, leaving her painfully, further speechless. the words that she did manage to come up with tried to make their great escape, but all she could do was sit there and cling to the possibility she had it all wrong. why else would he be fighting this same battle so many years later? what did he have to lose? perhaps listening was something she failed him in, since the moment she came back to find her mom a nervous wreck and zayn struck by the greatest rage she'd ever witnessed, adamant about his innocence in the altercation. gigi was convinced she was making the right decision; choosing the woman who gave birth to her and sacrificed everything for her and her younger siblings. being a good daughter. it's true, yolanda was no walk in the park. she was plagued with shortcomings like any other person. a flawed being and a tendency to be melodramatic, overbearing, and controlling even, but a liar? it wasn't possible. it was not an option for her to believe that her greatest inspiration in this world was not trustworthy. "i didn't turn my back on you. i told you we needed space.. time to evaluate what was best for us and for her. i never made a statement. i never chose a side and you know that." she finally speaks up, defensive of his attack on her. she takes it personally because he has no idea what it's like to make that type of decision. to be caught between a mother and a partner, while also being a fairly new mother herself. her porcelain features become flushed hot red with frustration. "i love how you never give me credit for anything. i am constantly defending you to her. i fight every single person who dares to say anything about the situation."

her thin figure begins pacing a lap across the room, slender fingers layering through her short blonde waves. "every single day, zayn. every day i fight to protect khai's innocence and to make sure she knows the person her baba is. do you honestly think i wanted this to be our - ... my future?" flustered and at her witts end, she detracts. despite all the time away from one another the last few years, often separated by state lines, right now being boxed in this room has her all confused and mixed up in what she thought was the truth. "i- i don't know. i'm always caught in between you both and it's so exhausting. i just want to be happy.. i constantly have to pretend for our babygirl, for you, for my family. all these projects too.. but i hate that i've caused you so much pain, and that you're involved in this but.." she freezes mid sentence, in her tracks, now searching for his gaze and settling on it safely. "but we have khai. we did that together. can't that just be enough for you? why does anything else matter?"

No matter how much Zayn wanted Gigi to open her eyes, really open her eyes and see this toxic, one sided relationship she had with her mum, he couldn’t force her to. He saw it from the very moment they started dating and he’s always hated it. Where Gigi saw Yolanda bending backwards to make sure they had the life they have, Zayn saw Yolanda reliving her prime through her kids. Pushing her kids to the extreme to get where they were now, mental and physical health be damned. Zayn fully believed that Gigi and Bella could get to where they are now without the harsh upbringing. Wanting to protect Gigi from her own mother, no matter how sad that fact was, came as easy as breathing did. And now with Khai in the fold, that need to protect his family was magnified. Her question lingers between them for a moment as Zayn pieces the words together, “You’re not going to get the answer you want, Gi.” He shakes his head, defeated. “I will never be the person that wants to take our daughter away from her family. But Khai comes first, always. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by worrying about the wellbeing of our daughter. You’ve got these rose colored glasses on when you look at your mum, Gi. To you, she practically shits rainbows. But I see her for what she really is, why do you think she’s always had a problem with me? Because she realized that I’m someone she can't control and that fucking terrifies her.” Because if she couldn’t control Zayn, would his fuck off attitude influence the daughter she can control? “I think I’m being very fair here when I say I don’t want Yolanda being alone with Khai, at least not until she gets some serious help.” He considered allowing for that mental wall to drop again, give Gigi a glimpse of the man she fell in love with before, but even as he wanted to, that mental tug of not wanting to be so open to hurt again stopped him. “I don’t want to fight either. I just -” Teeth clamp over his tongue, “We won’t fight.” The promise is thick in the air between them, “And I’m not sure you can make me uncomfortable in my own house.” He dared a small smile at that, “It’s just for a night, for Khai.”

Not even close to it, he wants to say, but for the sake of Gigi in this very moment, he decides against the dig to her mother. But the answer that comes from him is immediate, not needing any time at all to think about it, “Khai.” The answer is straightforward, trying to fight off the smug smile that was itching on his lips as he gave her his answer. “Khai’s perfect. She’s every ounce of you and me and so much better than we can be. She refuses to go to bed until we read the farm animals a story, when it’s storming outside her first thought is to worry about them being cold, she’s so fucking beautiful and smart and so full of life. And I want it to stay that way. I don’t want her to ever doubt herself because of something someone she loves says to her, even if it’s just in passing. I don’t want her to go through what I’ve gone through, what you've gone through. She’s our treasure, Gi. And if I have to be the bad guy to protect that treasure. Then fine. Give me a parrot and a pirate hat, I’ll be the bad guy. Because I will protect her with my life, no matter who I have to protect her from.”

Brows raise at her question, a humorless laugh emitting past parted lips. “An argument that you started.” He points out. Zayn didn’t come here to fight, he didn’t want to fight with Gigi anymore, but as soon as the door to the conversation was open, he couldn’t stop himself. He had to say what he had to say, what he couldn’t say all those years ago. He needed Gigi to listen to him, to understand where he was in this situation, how he felt about it all. And in return, he wanted to know where she was with everything, how she felt about it all, listen to what she had to say. He would gladly listen to her, if it came from her and not her mother. Just organically Gigi. Not forced, not rehearsed. Passionate, in the moment, raw. “My hating her has nothing to do with how I feel about you. You are not Yolanda, Gigi. No matter how hard she tries to mold you as. You are so much better than she will ever be. You’re an amazing mother, an amazing friend, an amazing lover, an amazing model.” He was clear with each statement, trying his damndest to drill that into her head instead of the negative shit she’s heard from her mother growing up. He wanted his positive voice to be louder than Yolanda’s negative one. “She may be your blood, and some part deep deep down will be thankful that she brought you into this world but that’s just about as far as that gratefulness goes. But blood does not always equal family. Family does not treat you the way you’ve been treated Gigi. She wanted you to starve yourself just so you can fit into the models standards. What mother wants that for their kids?” At one point or another, he was sure he was sounding like a broken record but fuck, he needed her to see this for what it was.

“When we were together, there wasn’t a single day where I didn't remind you of how amazing you are, how beautiful you are and you know what I saw every time? The way your eyes lit up, the blush that would creep on your cheeks that fucking smile that could light up stadiums. Then your mother would say something and I’ve never seen someone’s guard snap up so fucking quick. I swear there were times where you physically flinched. Are you just so used to her being that way that you don’t even realize it anymore? Is that something you want for our daughter?” He knew she didn’t, and he knew that was a low blow question but sometimes the hardest questions were the ones that needed to be heard the loudest. His teeth assault the side of his cheek as her eyes widen, and he’s sent right back to that night, he couldn’t move if he wanted to - and he wanted to. He wanted to walk right out of this room and find the nearest dealer if he was being fucking frank, but he was cemented to the ground - locked in place under her gaze. Apologies on both sides were so fucking long overdue and Zayn wasn’t even sure if an apology could fix them anymore, or if they could even be fixed. He wanted to tear his gaze away from hers when her eyes started to brim with sliver, but this was his punishment right? Watching the woman he loved breakdown because of what happened between him and her mother? He could have made this easier on her, not said anything to Yolanda, but who would Zayn be if he just rolled over and accepted the emotional abuse he received from her? He doesn’t want to tell her it’s okay, because it wasn’t. None of this was okay. His entire being stills when she reaches up to graze her soft fingers along his cheek, her touch sending sparks in their wake. Before he could talk himself out of it, Zayn’s enveloping his larger hand around hers, habit has his fingers threading through hers before he swallowed thickly, dark gaze still on hers as he let her words sink in. “I needed you.” The words are so quiet between the two, broken down with the emotion that her touch unleashed. The bitter part of him wanted to ask her if she believed him, the bitter part of him wanted to drop her hand and take a few dozen steps away from her, put that space between the two as she did all those years ago. Did he believe her? He’s silent as he recalls the night, the absolute fucking chaos of it all, the yelling, the crying, slamming doors, Gigi and Khai rushing out of the house leaving him behind. When he thought about it logistically, Gigi getting Khai out of the house and away from the mess was a good thing. He didn’t want to scare his daughter, he knew he was yelling, knew that he said some pretty harsh things. He never called Yolanda a Dutch slut as she claimed, Zayn faced his own bout of racism, he wouldn’t put his own enemy through that. But he knew he said some pretty harsh things, and he didn’t want Khai around it. He didn’t want her to see him so angry. And it was because of that, that Zayn stepped forward, his hand tightening just a small fraction on hers as he rested his forehead against hers. “I believe you.” The words again, soft between them. A deep breath is taken in, “I’m sorry. For putting you through this, I really, truly am. Gi. I never wanted this for us. I wanted so much more but not this. I’m sorry for saying the things I did to you that night, I was angry but not at you, not completely anyways. And most importantly, thank you. For taking Khai away from it. I don’t know what I would have done if she got scared of me.”

growing up, there was never a doubt in gigi's mind that her parents didn't want the best for her. even with a broken family so to speak and yolanda soon remarrying after her parents split, it was the perfect family. as she began to form opinions, always one to be outspoken, she noticed that her arguments with her mom seemed to be more frequent. but wasn't that normal? girls rebelled against their mothers and mothers reigned in their daughters. whatever methods yolanda had, her eldest daughter knew that it was from a benevolent place. no matter how annoying, how painfully frustrating it was to be shamed, ridiculed, and denied certain things others had, she understood that it was so she could work hard to not only make it in the industry, but to dominate it. just like her mother had. the outdated said industry and their views of the perfect size. one of the reasons she fell so in love with zayn was because he provided her with something she hadn't been given before - protection. from the moment they met, he was a safety net and she was his biggest fan. even when he hadn't believed in himself, she was always right there to remind him. but their demons were different, dressed differently and colored differently. she didn't have the same fighter spirit zayn had, impulsively going his own way about things. instead, gigi walked her truth more practically. maybe that's why it was harder for him to wrap his head around her loyalty to their family. especially when her mother had suffocated her by the convenient guilt trips about having a "bad day" the moment she broke free and formed an opinion that challenged her method of thinking. this was resentment deeply harbored inside the woman, things she didn't get to conjure up. until now. until this boundary had been broken by zayn, so he could prove a point that maybe her mom was a horrible influence on her and now, their daughter. "z... what do you expect? for her to never see her oma again? you're not being reasonable right now." she rolled her eyes, overtly frustrated by the way he was so fixated on things that simply were not important now. "my mom is extreme, i have always given you that. but she loves us all in the best way she can. khai is three years old.. she's just riding the ponies and doing art with her. that's all that is happening. besides, you know i don't leave her often. i drop her off with you or i take her to shoots with me." she was hopeful to provide assurance. maybe he just needed to know that when she had khai on her time, yolanda's presence wasn't as influential as he thought. "i'll consider it.. but i just don't want to fight. or worse, make you feel uncomfortable in your home." truthfully, gigi wasn't sure if it was a good idea to join them. as much as her heart screamed Y E S in capital letters, her mind was slammed heavy down on the breaks, screeching as the words i'll consider it.. came flying out. she also didn't know... how would it feel to be in a spot that they once shared so many years ago. time was funny that way.

the terse of his question cuts deep as she shakes her head in an attempt to shake off what he's actually speaking aloud. only, she can't. the previous feeling of doubt has risen to uncharted levels as she plays back through everything of that day in her mind. her cutting work short, flying home immediately after she gets her mother's call, zayn's call... bella's. everyone's involvement. the way her mother was just so adamant that the father of her child was dangerous. that he could hurt her next, he could hurt khai. it was like her world had come crumbling down. the joys of co-parenting together, the dream they both shared.. all of it ended up being counterfeit. her mind was desperately trying to catch up to her thoughts as he aired everything out. every conviction. every emotion. every expression. she's taken right back to the evening everything happened and the proclaimed victim is pulling her from the home she shared with her boyfriend. khai's petite legs tightly wrapped around her frame, barely able to wave goodbye -and understandably fussy over it. she has to abandon safety in the form of a father for the night, which would turn into days and then a week. the time that gigi needed to process and decide was best for them. his last question sears through her series of flashbacks, fast acting in bringing her back to him. to the present. she feels overwhelmed. like her entire concept of what a family looks like is tainted. she can lie to herself once again, or she can somehow consider that just maybe he has a point. every time yolanda seemed to flicker with relief when gigi had come over seeking advice, some form of nurturement after a fight with her boyfriend. to her, it had always been a protective mother. but she knows deep down, she wouldn't do that to khai.. she wouldn't ever be happy with the pain of her child. mothers don't do that.. right? "she's not perfect, okay? but who the hell is perfect? tell me one person that you know who is a saint and i'll agree with you right now." she's not ready yet. she can't say it aloud. instead, she snaps back at him finally. her method of assuring him is over. it clearly isn't working.

"how can i possibly be happy with my life when this is where we're at? we can't even call our daughter and end the night there, on a positive note. we have to spend what's left of our evening arguing about someone you hate with every fiber of your being who also happens to be my blood." her words come out sharp. her tone is bitter and she refuses to face him, now gazing at the wall's rather hideous color of beige. who would even dare paint a suite that color anyway? an almost defeated expression is noticed as her focus is recalibrated as she catches him approaching. her throat closing in on her meeting her heart's heavy palpitations. she's not exactly afraid. but widened, deer in the headlights, sea green orbs reflect her true feelings with him so close. the truth is they haven't been this passionate, this radioactive in years. it's overdue, sure, but with that being said, it brings back a palette of emotions. a woman who has experienced child birth without an epidural on a farm in a tub is ironically terrified that it's too late. the same way he said he'd fall to his hands in knees for her, she would do the same for him. but would it make a difference? her throat swallows against the dryness scraping her insides. "i.." has she swallowed her words with that gulp? "z... i truly am so sorry." gigi's guilt is bubbling to the surface and her own hues watering as she is desparately trying to grasp onto everything he has just said. her heart and her mind so disconnected. yet so connected. it's hard to fight feelings, and it's as good as worthless in her mind, because the last thing he wants from her is pity. right? "but you have to know.. please know. that i am not afraid of you." giving in finally to her own vulnerability which seems bold given everything he has just mapped out for her. but she can't help it. a delicate movement to graze the warmly flushed skin of his cheek against her fingers. "please tell me you believe me." a soft whisper dressed in the presence of a beg, and her delicate touch lands her at his mercy, moments away from clinging to the floor beneath him if that is what she needs to do. she swears on everything and everyone that she'll do it.

oh look, i finally did tags.

–––  ❛  visage 【 𝙨𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙡𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙣𝙤 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙚. 】

–––  ❛  interactions 【 𝙥𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙤𝙥𝙝𝙮 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙤𝙣 𝙖 𝙘𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡 𝙗𝙤𝙭. 】

–––  ❛  para 【 𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙝𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮'𝙨 𝙥𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣' 𝙢𝙚 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠. 】

–––  ❛  texts 【 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙡 𝙬𝙚 𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙠 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙪𝙚𝙨. 】

–––  ❛  answered 【 𝙞'𝙢 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚. 】

–––  ❛  mentions 【 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙢𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙚 𝙖 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙚. 】

–––  ❛  hacker 【 𝙞'𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙛𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜. 】

FOR KHAI.

For their daughter, they would do anything - that much they could both agree on. His reply is silent, chin dipping into a single nod. And though it was just for Khai, he couldn’t help but feel relieved in the case of his ex too. His teeth sink into the flesh of his cheek as he watches her smile grow, trying to bite back the smirk that was seconds away from breaking through. “Yeah, I had a feeling that’d work.” He admits, one shoulder coming up in a shrug. He’s silent as he listens to her, allowing her to finish her thoughts as he nods along, a silent way of showing that he’s listening. “I know you did.” He never once doubted that, “But I don’t think we have the same point of view, not exactly.” They could both agree on wanting the best for Khai, wanting to protect her, raise her up in a family feeling so loved - but the line was drawn when it came to a specific family member. And just going back around to it at this point felt a lot like beating a dead horse. “I would never ask you to hate your mother.” He replies, shaking his head - the silent thought of him hating her enough for the both of him flashes in his mind, “I just wish you could see her for what she really is. But I can’t force you, and I’m just – I’m tired of fighting this battle. I feel as if I’m pushing a very stubborn boulder up a very steep hill and getting nowhere with it.” Gigi the boulder, Yolanda the hill. “I don’t care how her parents raised her to be frank. You’d think she’d take that and want to do the opposite of it and break the cycle but apparently not.” A pause, licking his lips over before dragging his teeth over his lesser lip with a deep breath - “One of these days, you’re going to see her for who she really is. You’ll see how toxic she is, and she’s going to hurt you.” Something he obviously didn’t like to think about, but Zayn was a realist more than anything. “And I imagine it’s going to be absolutely Earth shattering because she’s your mother and you seeing her in any other light is just… impossible. I don’t want it to happen, obviously. I’d like it if I could stop it and shield you from it. But I can’t. I never could.” he didn’t have that kind of power, “But when it happens, I want you to know that I’ll be there. My door will never be shut to you.”

At this point, he was best friends with regret. He’s regretted a lot in his life, some things so much darker than the others, would talking to Gigi this way become one of his regrets? Another several things to add to that ever growing list? Or would it be the aftermath of the action that he’d regret? He didn’t fuckin’ know, thinking about it wasn’t doing any good either. Her comment hangs in the air, it’s heavy between them and Zayn nods a single nod, the ghost of a smile hinting on his lips. He once thought Gigi was the one, the one that could flip his entire world upside down, the one who would consume his thoughts, the one he would love until his dying breath, the one that got away. And there was a part of him that still believed that. And one would imagine that someone would be happy with it, but for Zayn it was painful. Because they were at a place that he never thought they would be, the distance between them has grown over the years and she has very clearly moved on with Bradley. Zayn was a thing of the past. What they had was a thing of the past. “Not even Mr. Bradley Cooper?” A brow raises, head tilting to the side ever so slightly as eyes flash with a challenging curiosity, the hint of smugness in there. “That’s a good thing though, isn’t it?” He asks a second later, “Being with someone who really knows you.” The comment about her mother raises a brow, and Zayn nods slowly. “Does she know that? Does she know that she’s not Khai’s parent? Because from day one, she overlooked me as Khai’s parent and completely ignored me and any decision I made. She doesn’t respect me as Khai’s father, she never respected me as your boyfriend. I’m nothing but a speck on the bottom of her overpriced shoe to her, which obviously I couldn’t give a fuck about - but getting overlooked as your partner and Khai’s parent, yeah that kind of pisses me off.”

Her broken whisper hangs in the air and it’s as if Zayn could hear the crack through his heart at the question. He mulls the question over in his head, trying to find the answer but not being able to come up with anything. “I can’t answer that for you.” His voice is quiet between the two, “I think that’s a question you need to answer for yourself.” With the closeness between them, Zayn could practically see the battle she was fighting herself in her eyes, the unspoken thoughts that plagued her mind and then she lets one of those thoughts surface, and he freezes - holding his breath as he waited for her to finish that sentence. “I wasn’t in what, Gigi?” He has a feeling he knows exactly what she’s referring to, but he wants to hear her say it. It wasn’t that long ago that Zayn had done the interview, the memory of it was still fresh in his mind. But if it was in her mind as well, that means that she watched it. She saw Zayn say what he said. “Finish the sentence.” The demand is soft. Already gearing up for what he would say when she finished it, or at the very least trying to. He didn’t mean it, he knew that. He wasn’t sure if he said it because he was bitter or not, he didn’t think he was but it was a possibility that a small part of him was. But he said it because he didn’t want to give her the power she had over him, didn’t want to hand his heart on a silver platter only for her to take a dagger to it the way Taylor did the Blank Space cake. He wanted to move on, so desperately. Wanted to close his eyes, take a breath and leave their relationship behind. But he couldn’t, and that killed him.

The absence of her consuming his space and vice versa is felt when she pulls back and faces away from him immediately. How many times would Zayn be the cause, somehow, of the tears that lined her eyes? How many times would he be the cause of her heartbreak? How many times would he let her walk away? “Yeah.” He nods, rubbing the back of his neck. “I miss her too.” Being away from her was always tough. He takes a step towards Gigi, feet becoming lead for a second as he debates his next move carefully. Lips press into a line before he moves again, her previous unfinished sentence still heavy on his mind. Walking around her, he’s tentative as he gently lifts her chin, hues searching hers. Reckless, he was so fucking reckless and impulsive and it was that recklessness and impulsivity that leads him to lean forward, lips caressing hers as he kissed her, hesitantly at first as every single alarm went off in his head about how this was a bad idea, then a little bit more confidently, like he’s done so many times in the past before, full of the longing, and passion and love he had for her. One hand comes up to rest on her cheek, the pad of his thumb grazing along her high cheekbone as the other hand fell to her waist. After a few seconds, he’s the one to stop back. “That should answer your question.” He hated giving her that piece of him, but he didn’t want her to think that he never loved her. That he wasn’t in love with her. He clears his throat, “I should probably go.” Yet as he said it, he didn’t move.

the pain associated all those years with her mother not accepting her ex boyfriend out of all the choices she had made, really stuck the hardest for her. because in gigi's mind, she'd done everything that was asked of her, or rather, what was expected of her. she'd be lying if she said she never cared to ask or that her mother disapproval didn't keep her up several nights, because it did. it even spread doubt beneath the depths of her deepest, sincerest feelings for him, that maybe they just were not right for one another. she never questioned it beyond that. or stopped to wonder if there's malicious intent behind yolanda's disapproval. it was always painted in a way that only a mother could understand. well, now gigi was one. yet.. there was still so much she did not feel was right. there would come a day, khai would fall in love, hopelessly, if she was anything like both of her parents. she's sure she might not love the suiters going off how some kids can be, but she's quite certain she'd never force her daughter to give up someone just because she deems them wrong for her. with zayn, she is quite aware that this battle has the lifespan of lasting for several more hours, days even. it's not like it's their first rodeo as parents disagreeing on what's best for their daughter. does her silence mean he's right? she really hopes not. because even if she goes that route, she refuses to give in. there has to be a way for him as khai's father to feel comfortable and for her own mother to still have her basic maternal grandmother rights. "for khai." she matches his smile, attempting her best not to ease too much into the meaning of such.

it's a copout. kind of.. because she wholeheartedly agrees. in fact, it might be the most aligned they've been of the entire evening. her previous smile moments before has returned, but it's pearly white and has flourished wide against her tinted high cheekbones. the raw, selfless, and unconditional love for their best creation goes beyond her wildest imagination. every fear she's ever had associated with pregnancy and motherhood has been neutralized and tended to by his devoted and assuring manner. her angelic warrior spirit is proof of this. tenderhearted but fearless, and all things in between. "you got me." she shakes her head, accepting defeat. anytime she is challenged and reminded of her greatest love, she will take the l. and proudly at that. "you're not alone in that, z. i've given up so much more her and i will always put her first. that's exactly why i had us all live in new york her first year.. i wanted that freedom for all of us. you think that i'm not able to see things for what they are, but i do. i just.." she signs deeply, closing her eyes for a long moment. words feel repetitive and thoughts feel the same. "i think that we just fight, and waste our energies.. only to find out we have the same point of view. i made the same promise to protect her the moment i laid my eyes on her the night she was born." gigi stands firm in her footing. she's worked tirelessly to protect their family's privacy, but especially khai's. the paparazzi. social media. she's led her own fair share of battles with yolanda over this too. it's something she'll continue until her last breath. "i can't hate her for it. i just can't.. i have hope that my mom feels shame. feels bad for all she's done to us. deep down i know she's not a horrible person.. her parents might done it to her. it's not always black and white, you better than anyone should understand that." she snaps back. always one to dig deeper than the surface, her empathy has always known no bounds.

the armor she wears day in and day out begins to disintegrate. she's getting pretty damn irritated with him being right about a lot tonight. if she could've foreseen this episode of psychoanalyzing gigi hadid, she perhaps would've just smiled and maybe this night would've ended a lot differently. her sleeves are pulled through by her fingers which have anxiously scrunched themselves into the shape of her palms. his observations always pierced right through her, clinging to the memories she kept locked and stored. nobody had ever seen her the way he did. she was more than a model. a pretty face. more than a daughter. and even still, he saw her more than a mom. but with this came pain. more pain than he probably ever realized. she didn't want him to feel this way about her. it was easier if he saw her as an ordinary person. a bitter ex, even. "oh hush.. that's not - ... i've just never met someone who knows me so well. that's all." her defense mechanism interjects to deflect his observations. it's not that she's insecure or incapable of accepting past compliments he's pointed out. she's in the most confident era of her life. it's the fact it hurts to hear him speak about her in this way. because she's worried she doesn't deserve it. it is an unimaginable pain to consider for one moment zayn might be the only person who has shown her unconditional love without expectations, outside her siblings and beautiful friends. "you keep forgetting, z. we're her parents. yolanda didn't give birth to her. i did.. you were there. we raise her. please stop acting like yolanda is her nanny influencing her daily." another deep sigh, one that is more obvious. her temples are practically screaming at her to stop discussing her mother. it's distressing on every level.

having his touch mutually returned to hers, illuminates her, simply washing away any previous stress. it's the calm after a very brave storm. the words 'i needed you' strike her in the chest heavily without the physical impact that would've been brought on. her throat swallows hard, trying to find her voice. all she wanted to do that night was return home. to go back to where she knew she belonged beside zayn, except she couldn't. the pull yolanda had on her was much more suffocating than she realized. only now, she's starting to see. maybe not in the way the male would like, but still, she's coming to terms with the fact things were not as she once realized. with him closing distance between them presently and her heart pattering against the cage it resides in, she can almost feel that forgiveness is around the corner. that maybe, just maybe, they can finally close this chapter of where things have been the last few years for khai's sake. the last thing she ever expected was him to be this close to her, breathing the very same air as her, giving her this vulnerable side of him again. then, adding an apology on top of it... it was nearly shocking on every level. in fact, gigi is pretty sure her mind is on overload, having extreme processing issues. so many thoughts staking to claim their dominance, for a chance to become her next set of words. "if i handled it right and protected khai.. then why do i feel like i made the wrong choice?" her words string out of her in a broken whisper. his previous words about their future are holding her captive, coupled with the fact - her own personal elephant in the room. he was never in love with her. because zayn malik doesn't know if he's ever been in love, right? the loop playing in her head is nonstop. because she must've killed herself watching the clip about a hundred times. unsure of how he can seem so full of light iterating such daggers. like as if eight years of present day history has meant nothing. it was tragically one sided. despite having him right here, their features touching... gigi has hurt herself with an internalized idea of something she conditioned herself to believe didn't want because they weren't together anymore. "nevermind. i don't know why it matters. you weren't even in.." she stops. gigi can't bring herself to finish that sentence, afraid desperately of what his response would be. confirming that everything she fears is true. and maybe it's just better to believe that there's a small chance the interview was an exaggeration of his true feelings. that even though it hurts a lot to consider, maybe he simply is not in love anymore, yet could have loved her before, and just doesn't anymore. that would be something she could live with, versus an idea of what he said is true, and he really never has experienced being in love. "i.. sorry i don't know why i'm so emotional right now. i probably just miss khai.." reluctantly, she pulls away and allows her straight back to face him while she breathes slightly through sniffles. the familiar walls have returned just as her finger is catching any fallen tears in the corner of her eye.

Never in his life had Zayn ever slept so peacefully in a hotel bed as he did the other night. It was hot enough to keep the door to his villa open, allowing for the sea breeze to blow in and kiss his skin as he slept, covering him in the scent of sea salt. He awoke refreshed to the sound of waves gently lapping against the foundation poles of the villa, the birds of the Maldives singing their morning song. The peacefulness was interrupted by the gnarly sound of his empty stomach, begging for some kind of substance. Taking advantage of the room service, Zayn left his door unlocked so they could leave it on his table as he took a shower, getting ready for the day. Another vacation meant another couple weeks away from home, away from Khai. At one point or another, his daughter would start to wonder why they left her behind while they went and did all these extravagant things. He made a mental note to talk to Gigi about taking her with them next time they were summoned. 

After his shower, Zayn wrapped the towel around his hips as he made his way out of the steaming bathroom, eyes immediately taking to the tray of breakfast items. It wasn’t long before Zayn got changed into some shorts and a black button down shirt, leaving it unbuttoned to keep cool in the Maldives heat. Once the musician had some food in his stomach, he set out to enjoy the rest of the day. It was easy to spot the model, and he had a small laugh to himself as he watched her take some pictures for what he had assumed would be her Instagram. He really should have stayed away, let her enjoy the peace she was given but the pull to her was magnetic and even if he wanted to ( he didn’t ) he couldn’t stop himself from walking over to her. Dark hues drinking her beauty in, against his wishes - his mind flashed back to all the times he had traced his fingers down her bare back and pressed his lips to the curve of her neck ; his mind was set to remind him further of that until her voice sliced through his thoughts, bringing him back to reality. A reality in which they weren’t like that anymore. A reality in which Zayn had kissed her in Vegas, then left afterwards. “Am I photobombing you, or are you secretly taking pictures of me and just covering it up?” The retort comes easily, the corners of his lips turning up into a smirk. “You have to be a family for that, don’t you?” A brow lifts, the smile soon gracing his lips to show he meant no ill intention with the remark that had just left his lips. “I think we can save the coparenting feuding for later.”

𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐃𝐆𝐄 | 𝐙𝐈𝐆𝐈. 📅 : SATURDAY, JUNE 8TH. 📍 : BEACH DOCK, WALDORF ASTORIA, MALDIVES. ⛔ : NONE.

the model's first day waking up in the maldives was truly surreal. her earliest of mornings ended on a high note, which started off with a platter of fresh island fruit enjoyed on her oceanfront terrace, and concluded with a call to khai ( truly ambitious efforts on her part as she forced herself to wake up extra early in order to catch the toddler before bed ). gigi's head had been all over the place concerning her mother, ever since the night in vegas where her and zayn mapped everything on the table. until she could find some peace and logistical understanding with the previously transpired events, she had decided that she'd take some desperately needed breathing room from her mom. with that being said, the island getaway was practically the universe granting her some very much needed luck. the blonde's toned figure stunned in a sunflower toned yellow bikini as her waist was mildly covered in a cream knitted knotted skirt, meaning her exposed backside was subject to the sun's rays against her fair complexion. her attention had been occupied by snapping some instagram worthy content when she observed a face she was truly hoping to forget, now hogging up the focus of her iphone lens. "i thought the days of you photobombing me were long gone.. but i guess not." gigi brought down her device, allowing it to linger at her side for a moment before she tosses it in her crossed purse. "i'm scared to ask why we're both here. is it time for round two of family feuding?" her snarkiness is met with a small giggle, denoting her motives are anything but harmful, but she's still slightly bothered by their last encounter. / @malikfms

stacked