Probably Going To Cry - Tumblr Posts
Vlog #1
I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. Don't ask me why... I'll tell you why.
I start things. Don't finish them. I get mad for not finishing them. Make plans, schedules even, and then life happens and I can't follow them. Then I'm mad again. For not following them, for falling behind schedule, for seeing the list grow. I procrastinate. I feel like a failure. And gess what. I'm mad again. Even cleaning seems like such a huge task these days. So I'm mad at it too. I like super clean and organised spaces but I can't seem to gather the courage to keep my place up to my high standards. It's fairly clean and organised but not enough. I clean other people's houses and get paid for it but I still won't put that effort in my own pleace. That neatness... I'm mad. At everything.
It's not rage. Most of the time. It feels like a low flame somewhere inside of me. It's there, I can feel it heat up and keep me off balance. Sometimes it blows and I just want to leave whatever I'm doing and get away, instead of finishing.
It's frustration, I know. I just needed to explain a bit of it's layers. I'm frustrated with my life right now and I'm in a cicle of bitting my own tail.
I hope to get out of it soon.
daniil crying daniil crying daniil crying
i like to imagine that he almost never cries and i just wanna know what finally makes him break down and ugly cry
OH MAN, I 100 percent agree with this, he strikes me as the kind of person to bottle up everything and try to push all his emotions down, but those emotions end up manifesting in negative/self-destructive ways until the weight of everything finally causes him to break down
There's a fic I love that does this really well, please read Shedding Skin by Plaguedboar, I binged all thirteen chapters in two days and was ugly crying by the end of it
Daniil and Artemy come to a slow harrowing realization about their feelings towards each other, but they both recognize how dangerous and destructive acting on those feelings might be. After Daniil takes a bullet for Artemy, it drives a wedge between them, Daniil pushing Artemy further and further away, as Artemy increasingly believes that Daniil sees him as something dangerous - something with the capacity to destroy him. That if Artemy allowed himself to love him and keep him in the town, Daniil will die
❗ SPOILERS ❗
The reason why Daniil ends up taking the bullet is because he realizes that he's also in love with Artemy, but truly believes that he's not worthy of being loved and that he'll ruin Artemy just like how he's ruined everything else he's touched. So, by dying by saving Artemy's life, it would have have been the best thing he could do for the both of them. However, because Artemy ends up saving him, Daniil becomes devastated and does everything in his power to make Artemy hate him and leave him, if he knows what's good for him. In turn, it causes Artemy to question if he's even capable of loving anyone. Thus, begins a cycle of Daniil being as cold and hateful as possible, throwing insults and being self-destructive, while Artemy keeps trying to save him, which only pushes Daniil to be more hateful and self-destructive....
❗ END SPOILERS ❗
There's a beautiful moment at the end where it culminates in Daniil walking out into the steppe to die, and against all odds, Artemy finds him there. After all this time, after all the insults, the coldness, the violence, Artemy decides to love Daniil despite it all and follows him into the wide expanse. Even then, the Capital Snake is still trying to spit venom - doing everything in his power to get Artemy to leave and let him die, but it doesn't work because Artemy finally sees through the facade. He reaches past the Bachelor's many roles and holds on to the Daniil that's terrified of loving and being loved in return, and that's when Daniil finally breaks and allows his vulnerability to bleed through
PLEASE READ THIS!! The angst and catharsis of it all is immense, and I can't recommend it enough!!
