Still Praying - Tumblr Posts

The truth

Most of my life

The majority

The public visage

And the internal prayer

Has been a lie.

I can't explain it.

Even for me

I was never able to see.

I live

I acted

I instigated.

Everything I have done

Has been to blend in.

I hate the world.

Not the people

But the system.

The system that I felt bound to

And had me grow up

As some one I am not.

I want my years back.

I want my life back!

All I have are the days before me

And the day I am currently owning.

All I want is to be me.

To be free of the bullshit life he as given me.

I do not want to be someone else

I do not want to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

I belong to my own soul

And if God cannot except this

Then fuck God

For God is smaller than me.

I will be damned before I lie!

Before I pretend to

be someone else.

I should say

Continue to pretend

As my life has been a charade

Meant even to deceive me.

Argue

Hate

Damn

I do not give a fuck.

Be what ever life I wish

It doesn't matter to me.

However

You will not be my lord.

You will not be my God.

I live

I breath

And either you damned me from the start

Or you are just as guilt as me.

I am angry

I am sorry

I am filled with unrequited rage!

I bleed tears

I deluge hurt

I am tired of dying

I want to live for once!

Who are you to damn me?

What gives you the right?

Did you even create me?

Have I not written

That I am you?

Are we then to submit

One to the other?

If I am damned then so are you.

If I am saved

Then you are going with me.

Mutually assured destruction;

Salvation is us both.

I will be me

Will you admit to your own soul?

I am tired of trying to make sense of it

I am tired of feeling guilt.

I am who I am

And you are nothing to me.

No one will be my god

No one but me.

I am alive

And I pray

Who answers these prayers

Is between me and them...