The Truth

The truth

Most of my life

The majority

The public visage

And the internal prayer

Has been a lie.

I can't explain it.

Even for me

I was never able to see.

I live

I acted

I instigated.

Everything I have done

Has been to blend in.

I hate the world.

Not the people

But the system.

The system that I felt bound to

And had me grow up

As some one I am not.

I want my years back.

I want my life back!

All I have are the days before me

And the day I am currently owning.

All I want is to be me.

To be free of the bullshit life he as given me.

I do not want to be someone else

I do not want to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

I belong to my own soul

And if God cannot except this

Then fuck God

For God is smaller than me.

I will be damned before I lie!

Before I pretend to

be someone else.

I should say

Continue to pretend

As my life has been a charade

Meant even to deceive me.

Argue

Hate

Damn

I do not give a fuck.

Be what ever life I wish

It doesn't matter to me.

However

You will not be my lord.

You will not be my God.

I live

I breath

And either you damned me from the start

Or you are just as guilt as me.

I am angry

I am sorry

I am filled with unrequited rage!

I bleed tears

I deluge hurt

I am tired of dying

I want to live for once!

Who are you to damn me?

What gives you the right?

Did you even create me?

Have I not written

That I am you?

Are we then to submit

One to the other?

If I am damned then so are you.

If I am saved

Then you are going with me.

Mutually assured destruction;

Salvation is us both.

I will be me

Will you admit to your own soul?

I am tired of trying to make sense of it

I am tired of feeling guilt.

I am who I am

And you are nothing to me.

No one will be my god

No one but me.

I am alive

And I pray

Who answers these prayers

Is between me and them...

Can I run away?

Can I hide myself in the deep dark wood

And put this pain away?

Commit to the visions of my younger days

Dance 'neath stars and boughs

As I call on ancient names.

Read, write, meditate

Delve into those mysteries

That once amazed me as a child.

I've lived too long in the world.

Long enough to watch my own soul grow cold.

Conquered by necessity,

Caught up in survival.

Praying now for the garden I abandoned

My old stone throne

Beside the water's edge.

- me myself, Andrew

Opening up is a virtual impossibility.

Even when desired

I am incapable of doing so.

The more pressing the question

The more cryptic I become.

I speak in riddles

And try to confuse.

As a serpent I twist myself infinitely

All to avoid lowering my defenses

So expertly crafted over a lifetime.

Utter isolation is my just reward,

One I have worked towards with tears in my eyes.

Self-damned

My word my everlasting law.

- me, my own, andrew-loves

I hope I do not bore you

I know I am long winded.

I have survived my own godhood

Surpassed my wildest expectation

And now stand upon the other side.

Mistake not my words for ego

Something I am surely guilty of

I am not trying to understand

My own mortality.

This is not a statement of finality

Rather

A statement of being here

Now

In this moment of flesh.

Not a sin

As some would count it

But a beautiful representation

Of my own soul

Before myself.

That truth I have loved

That honest answer before myself

Is the beauty of a person

Free

Exalted

Unbound

Just themselves before everything.

I add no law.

I demand no trial.

All I hope in

Is the person who may read this

And that soul who does not.

I am nothing

And you are nothing

And yet between ourselves

Is everything.

You have lived

And you have died

And all that can happen is in your hands.

I chose death

As this was my path

And now survived

I must ask myself what I would will with my freedom.

Since my waking breath

I have only thought of dying;

Laying downy my life for others.

How this has cheated them

Who has as much right now I exist in themselves

As I have in me.

I am flawed

I am broken

I am my own being

Just trying to make it through as myself.

One day

I still hope

Someone will forgive me

But what matters most

Is that I forgive myself

And learn to live

With my own desire.

I have never followed my own teachings

That mountain of literature

I have composed across my years.

Now I am beginning

To listen

Not as a stranger

But as one who ignore themself

And now speaks to themself

I have climbed the throne

Ascended the Mount

Sat down on the seat of one who would be god.

I changed the rules

Condemned myself

And set out a new freedom

Aside from me.

Now I think of opening

Small coffee shops away from sight;

A safe haven for lost souls

Who hate themselves

More than the world that hurt them so.

I have never been free

But now I am trying to be

A lost soul

Who never wanted to be more than others.

Whose ego blinded them

And sought to be exalted.

I am that lost soul

The admittance of which

Is its own pride.

I hope you live well

And sleep even better.

When I was young I hoped you would

And thought I had the answers.

I am no one anymore.

What supriseses me

Is I have even longer to survive.

In all my fantasies

I never imagined I'd make it past my death

Yet here I am

Unable to die.

I am haunted by myself.

Pour myself into this setup.

I can't let go

Even though I know I should.

Healing my own wounds

Is the hardest thing I have ever done

And I trying my hardest

To be human again.

I can't even explain it.

I know it is the wine talking.

Living on auto-correct

Praying it translates me proper.

I hope you will forgive me.

I hope you will sustain me.

I hope one day I can forgive myself

And live as if

Eternity were never created.

It is the abstract paradox

The game we play on ourselves.

I hope one day I understand my own words

And free myself from my own guilt.

I love you

As I could never love myself.

I love in the ways

I have denied to give my own soul.

Show me the mirror;

Teach me my own image.

Forgive me

Hate me

Exist

And so will I.

It is all any of us can hope fore,

The only thing we can believe in.

We will all die

And we will all live.

That is our gift

More than it is our curse.

All that matters is your own place in life.

Not position

But self imposed acceptance.

Learning to love being me

Is more than the ambition I have placed upon myself.

It is opening a coffee shop

And living as if

I only I have tomorrow.

It is harder than it sounds

Harder than I can usually manage.

Substance over form;

Truth over my own beauty.

Love me;

Love yourself.

All that exists

Is you and me.

The rules are made up.

The truth is what we want it.

Flesh will burn

But our souls will continue on.

All we are

Is you right now.

A lost cause

Just trying to let go.

I miss you

I love you

My own flesh and blood.

More than this world;

The very purpose of all living.

Be free;

Be yourself;

Just exist and cease to fret.

All that is is yourself

I am nothing more

Than your own fragment soul.

I find myself wondering

How good of a person am I?

For those tempted to reassure me

Shut up.

In all honesty

I know I am not as bad as I would like to think.

On the other hand

I'm not very good.

I lust and hate

Not sins

Cheat myself and others.

I want more

Always more.

I am never satisfied

My imagination runs too wild.

I wanted god's throne

And took it

Even as I denied wanting it.

I wanted the world

And took it

Even while spilling rivers of blood.

I am lost in mythology;

Obscured by religion.

I am prideful above all else

And overwhelmed with shame.

I do not write for the masses.

As much as I might want to.

I write because I'm empty inside

And hope I can fill my void.

Even now

I have lost the purpose for my being here.

So many things;

I will never share with you.

I am angry

Wrathful towards mortality.

I loathe my own weakness

And rage against these constraints.

I resent reality's failure

To keep up with my imagination.

I want life to match my dreams

Whatever the cost.

Yet I am flesh

And I am not entirely able to forget it.

So I weave back down

And try to touch my own existence.

Here people are alive

Demons rule

Gods wear masks of piety.

Civilization breeds slaves

And I understand how strong that word is.

People live their lives in service to others.

They are given enough to subsist

But are never allowed to excel.

Their bounds are marked

Their lives designed.

We were thankful for what we are givin

And are incapable of seeking more

Though we may dream

We do not believe.

Though we hope

We dare not sure to seek.

Our world is manufactured against us

And we cannot find our way out.

Our gods are wicked.

They are the ones who live on high.

Those we envy

And look to for hope

Revile

And pray ill on.

This is our world;

Our reality.

We are in fact slaves

And we would kill each other first

Before those who keep us here.

I once believed we could rise up.

Now

I think part of us will always fight

To keep others down.

Too long in the mires of lost gods

To be able to put our species first.

This are we doomed,

Damned to die because we cannot move past.

Bound to...

What do I call it?

Such stupidity as to make me wish we would all die.

At least then there would be quiet.

All the arguing

Hating

Damning and persecuting.

All the aspects of our species

Put to death

And life allowed to continue.

No more awareness.

No more consciousness.

Only the blissful ignorance

Of existence just existing.

Then again

I don't know how to give up

And so I keep on hoping

Even against hope.

I fantasize about my own death every day.

No need for calls of holding on,

No one's arguments are as good as mine.

I ravenously set about

Trying to understand all of life.

I got my answers

And now all I have are my delusions.

I have seen beyond the face of life

And I know what's waiting there.

I've seen behind the mask of daily living

And I know what the mask is for.

To know was better than happiness.

To understand more valuable than living.

I broke through

And beyond I found

Darkness

Profound darkness.

Here the stars are already old.

The creaks and cracks of aged world bones

Resonate within me.

I have aged far faster than intended

I am a dream fading into fog.

- me