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Dirk x Anxious!Supportive!Reader x Jake

💚 God, Jake is so happy!! He's so happy you love him back - and Dirk, too, heh - but mostly him!!! He's so glad that you're so supportive and understanding, and even encouraging of his behavior towards you! And it's such a relief to not have to do something drastic like kidnap you or anything like that. You really ARE perfect!

🧡 Dirk was happy too, don't get him wrong - ecstatic, actually, borderline euphoric - but unlike Jake, he felt more… Guilty. He loved you so much, and felt horrible about taking advantage of you like this. It broke his heart. But his need for you to be all his (and Jake's) was far more overpowering than his moral quandaries.

💚 They're more than willing to stay inside with you - all day, every day, FOREVER!!! - just curled up together on the couch or bed, with you smushed between them. Jake is more vocal during this, running his fingers through your hair and telling you how much he loves you and complimenting you, waxing poetic about your love. Dirk, however, is much more quiet. When he's holding you, snuggled into your side, and breathing in you scent, that is his own personal heaven. It's perfect. You're perfect.

🧡 If someone comes looking around, asking where you are, Dirk will most likely be the one to confront them. It'll be casual, and if they ask him if he knows where you are, he'll deny it. He doesn't know why he needs to lie. Neither him nor Jake kidnapped you - you came to them of your own free will. But… he doesn't want anyone trying to see you but him or Jake. You're theirs… Plus, he doesn't want anyone getting hurt because of him, because Jake isn't as much of a pacifist as Dirk.

💚 If Jake sees that this person is still looking around for you, he won't hesitate to disappear into the night and come back bathed in blood. A body, almost completely filled with bullets and dotted with bullet holes will be found the next day. It feels so good to Jake to kill for you!!

🧡 Also, these boys have been isolated for most of their lives, so don't expect to get even a second alone. And they're both just as clingy and anxious, so they understand how you feel! If you ever get upset or anxious, please vent to them! They want to help and love you so much! All they want is for you to feel loved and happy!

Thoughts my dad had while we were talking about Lemony Snicket's unreliable narration

Because I've fallen back into the Snicketverse obsession.

By creating a cast of such colourful characters, Lemony diverts attention away from himself. 

He couldn’t possibly be a character we should be paying attention to or worrying about. He’s merely the author of the tale. A cowardly man who would weep if any of the book’s events ever happened to him. Supposedly.

The assumed truthfulness of ATWQ is likely caused by it having been written so soon after the events. 

This might've felt obvious to others, idk.

Although ATWQ Lemony still keeps many secrets, he’s relatively open compared to the Lemony of ASOUE. This is likely because the books are, at their core, reports sent to V.F.D. regarding his apprenticeship. He doesn’t shy from writing his thoughts and uncertainties, or the events that take place, because he has not yet developed his duplicitous nature. My dad also suggested that the development of that nature may have been caused by the events of ATWQ. 

Given that the series exists as a children’s series in the canon, things may have been altered to suit that purpose. 

Like the over-the-top personalities of the side characters and guardians. Then again, so many things within the canon are over-the-top or absurd, they may actually be like that. 

Lemony must be fabricating most, if not all, of the conversations 

After all, how could he know any of them? I doubt even his informants and resources could tell him the contents of conversations. 

In the Netflix show, it’s possible Lemony Snicket is not how he appears. 

I’ve recently thought Snicket’s representation in Netflix’s ASOUE is too put-together to really feel like him, but my dad suggested that perhaps he only appears as Snicket wants to appear. That, as he chose what to write in ASOUE, he has chosen to appear put-together in the series. 

Does V.F.D. even exist? 

I don’t think this one really holds water, given that correspondence does exist between Lemony and other members of V.F.D. and I think some allude to the organization and many use codes we know they use. But it’s interesting nonetheless, that he has perhaps fabricated the organization (or merely fabricated their original noble purpose) to explain events.