You Got To Love Deadpool - Tumblr Posts
Oh, Team red, how I wish you were a real comic.
hear me out: civilian deadpool au except he just keeps getting arrested for the STRANGEST THINGS (illegal ownership of a chicken? someone just dumped an egg on his street? it hatches when he’s trying to cook it for breakfast? he RAISED IT?) and matt murdock is his exhausted lawyer who has to keep telling him to shut up in the interrogation room.
does he ever actually go to jail? no, maybe probation, maybe a fine. but arrested? half sure every cop in the city is just sick of hearing about his life. every juror thinks he’s just morbidly unlucky and a tiny bit moronic.
and he is.
detective: (sigh) so you have a chicken?
wade: oh, yeah, yolko ono! she’s my pride and joy, i had a mug and a mousepad printed- *pulling out wallet pictures*
matt: wade. no.
wade: i could bring her over if you want-
matt: WADE.
one time matt has to spring wade for grand theft auto of the nice old lady he lives next doors to. the automobile he supposedly stole? a select elevated motorized wheelchair.
wade: she LENT me the chair.
detective: and how’d she do that?
wade: i broke into her backyard because i heard a thump and i thought she fell over.
matt: jesus—
wade: so she didn’t fall over. apparently it was a twig that fell on an ice chest. but she was there, and she was yelling ‘jazzy! jazzy!’ and i was wondering why she was telling me to grab her jazzy, but i wasn’t about to turn down a free jazzy. so i walk over to it, i turn it on, i hop on, i say thank you to the kind old lady, and i wheel it out of there.
matt: goddamn it, wade—
detective: you stole a permobil.
wade: pardon?
detective: the wheelchair was a permobil.
wade: she said it was a jazzy!
detective: …
detective: jazzy is her HUSBAND.
wade: …
detective: …
matt: i give up.
and the nail in everyone’s coffin? when the precinct brings in wade’s fucking kidnap victim.
peter: kidnap? me?
detective: were you or were you not kidnapped by wade wilson and driven to the middle of nowhere?
peter: listen, man, farthest wade ever drove me was to a gamestop in manhattan from queens. i don’t drive. and then i ask if we can hit a seven eleven, since i really wanted a bag of chips. but then i fall asleep in the passenger seat on the way there. and when i wake up, i’m home - he didn’t buy me the bag of chips, though.
detective: … and when state troopers spotted his car in philadelphia? with someone passed out inside?
peter: we were in philly? and he didn’t wake me up?
detective: do you seriously mean to tell me you were completely passed out for a two hour and ten minute drive?
peter: i’m a college student with rent due in a month and a new paper due every time i breathe. and wade is an idiot who doesn’t know left from right, boots up waze, says his goodbyes to the universe, and starts driving. i think there’s your case.
detective: …
detective: damn it.