Deadpool - Tumblr Posts
“Monogamy? In this economy???”
-Andrew Parker
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Peter: bro, pick up your eboy, he’s curled up in my living room quivering, speaking in tongues, and surrounded by an impenetrable wall of writhing venom.
Deadpool: that’s not my eboy that’s my malewife !! they’re supposed to do that !!!
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Interviewer: So spider-man are you and the…other spider men…brothers…or something ??
Tobey: No…these are my…clones.
Tobey, seeing Peter and Andrew off to the side pretending to make out with goblins mask and videoing it: ...They’re defective.
Peter: furbies are predators.
Andrew: ...what the actual-
Wade: No no, he has a point.
Spider bros Au
[on patrol]
Tobey, humming: Spider-man, Spider-man
Andrew, joining in: Does Whatever A Spider Can!
Tobey: Spins A Web! Any Size
Andrew: Catches Thieves!
Peter: eat’s those guys! Look out here comes the spooder-man
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[on a date in the park]
Andrew: the stars are beautiful tonight
Deadpool: y-yeah! They are! *whispers* w h a t d o i s a y ???
Peter, in a tree above them: s a y y o u h a v e b e a u ti f u l e yes
Deadpool: he’s wearing a f u c k i n g m a s k
Peter: F i n e. y o u th ink of so m eth i ng.
Deadpool: you volunteered to be my wing man you little shit !!
Peter: d on ’t m a ke m e c o m e d ow n t h er e !!
Deadpool, standing up: Come down here? Buddy, I’ m c o m i n g u p.
Andrew: lovely stars. Truly.
Peter: E a t th e r i c h
Wade: Shouldn't we eat out the poor?
Peter: what
Wade: What
[Wade meeting Tobey]
Tobey: So. You’re the boyfriend then.
Deadpool, saluting: Yes, Sir !!
Tobey: Don’t call me “Sir”.
Deadpool, still saluting: Yes, Ma’am !!
wade meeting may
Andrew: it's just an introduction- it's not a big deal we can do this.
Wade: okay. okay, we got this!
-
May:
wade:
May:
Wade: i have 20 allegations against me and I commit crimes less than an hour ago.
Andrew: ...
Andrew: babe-
Wade: she's scary okay???
Andrew: ...so a chicken walks into a bar-
deadpool, desperately trying to staunch the blood: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
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[spidey-bros being interviwed]
Reporter: What is your reaction the public arguing whether the youngest spider-man is trans or not?
Tobey: oh for fucks-
Andrew, backing away: nooooo
Peter, grabbing the mic: whO THE FUCK THINKS IM C I S???
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Wade: man Im cold.
Andrew: here use my jacket.
Peter: :O
Peter: h-hey mj, im cold.
Mj, throwing a lighter at him: go wild.
spidey bros au
Wade: i have my own sense and set of morals dont try to call me out for anything. Because:
I know what i did and I dont care
Youre dead to me.
Peter: *furiously writing notes* ohmygosh mr deadpool you’re so-
Andrew: blocked.
Tobey: demented.
-
May at 13 year old peter: if you’re going to make a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.
Peter, nodding: of course, I can’t flip the table by myself
=
May: hey-
Peter, returning home from screaming in the woods, daring an alien to take him in: I don’t wanna talk about it
Andrew, having consumed enough caffeine to kill three horses and crawling on the ceiling: where are the fresh children for me to feast upon !!
Tobey picking up a cross and backing himself into a corner: What the fuck what thefuckwHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUC-
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Andrew: I have something to tell you…
May: you can tell us anything.
Andrew: Im bi
Peter: knew it
Tobey: finally.
Uncle ben: …
Aunt May: Ben no.
Uncle ben: HI BI IM UNCLE BEN.
-
Peter, directly into the intercom: attention shoppers. My friend is hot and ready to trot. He is single and ready to mingle. He is-
Ned, physically wrestling the mic out of his hands: PETER.
Andrew: why did my last two brain cells have to be a sad one and a dumb one
Tobey: Gee, Andrew, why do you get two brain cells ???
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Peter: wh a t d oe s bdsm s t a n d f or ??? Andrew: Bondag-
Tobey: BIBLE DELICIOUS SUPER MAN.
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Andrew spider-man: *practically annihilates team of super villains single handedly*
Deadpool: there goes and semblance or heterosexuality i had left in me.
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MJ: Do you take constructive criticism?
Peter, already crying: s u re w ha ts u p
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Aunt may, holding up baby trans peter: stinky
Uncle ben: no. dont be mean.
Aunt may, spinning them both around: Stinky bastard man
Uncle ben, distraught: nO.
Tobey, watching the whole thing: Naughty boy, brat bastard.
Peter: I t’ s tr u e, m y cr i me s a re un f or gi v ab le.
Uncle ben: NOOOOO !!
spidey bros au
Peter: perhaps i’ll drink my sorrows away.
peter : *stabs straw through up&go*
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[on patrol]
Tobey: How long is he gonna do this?
*Andrew spider-man and deadpool arguing in the kmart parking lot*
Peter:
Enemies to lovers. 100k words. #slowburn #mlm.
Tobey: H-how did you do that ??
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Andrew: I asked to share wades queen sized bed with him
Andrew: to which he responded that he’s a queen and therefore it is at maximum capacity.
Peter, about to be murdered: man i sure hope this is gonna be on buzzfeed unsolved
Murderer: *takes off mask to reveal shane madej* it will
Peter: Ohmygosh, mr madej sir !!!
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Deadpool: I don’t see why i can’t be both the love interest and the antagonist.
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Tobey: I would always think to myself “How could another person kill someone?”
Tobey: And then I met Deadpool and i was like “Oh okay.”
Peter, whispering to andrew: you’re gay
Andrew: I know that
Peter: gay for wade?
Andrew: I did not know that.
-
Deadpool: Aren’t we all just trying to be Morticia addams?
Peter: actually I’m trying to be Gomez addams
Deadpool: Honourable. Respectable. Where would we be without you
-
[after a long patrol]
Peter, very tired: wow that’s a phat phucking cat
Tobey:
Tobey: pe- Spidey, that’s a raccoon.
Peter: i’ m taking he r home.
Deadpool: bitches be like “you’re mine” first of all I’m on probation, “I” belong to the state.
-
Peter: i f i ever die roll my corpse down the lazy river-
Andrew: done.
Tobey: Let's get back to the part where you said “if” you ever die.
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Andrew spider-man: If you piss off whatever is in there and we die, I promise i’ll still be angry at you up in heaven.
Deadpool: *wheezing* you think i’m going to heaven?!
Deadpool to the criminals hiding: HE THINKS I'M GOING TO HEAVEN.
Criminals and deadpool: *LAUGHING*
Tobey: I’m going to have a quiet afternoon.
Andrew and Peter holding shaving cream:
Tobey, staring them down: A. Quiet. Afternoon.
Andrew and peter:
Tobey: No.
Andrew and peter: :)
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Andrew: Can the world stop downplaying the existence of ADHD.
-
[babysitting]
Wade: No swearing under my roof.
Peter, a bastard: H e c k
Wade: *loading a gun* YOU’RE ON THIN FUCKING ICE, PETEY BOY.
Wade:
Wade: oh shit.
"Baby carrot on a septum ring"
-Wade wilson on how he won a marathon he did not enter
Hehe a little silly drawing
Buncha pins I made :D
The real reason it’s a fucking travesty Peter Parker is “straight” is that he would have a fucking field day making gay jokes. Imagine Spiderman wit mixed with millennial gay humour. He’d be unstoppable, a non-scarred Deadpool!
Villain, talking about the plague that is vigilantes: your way of life disgusts me
Spidey, with narrowed eyes: is this homophobia or arachnophobia
