I Have No Idea Where These Came From But WHOAAAAAA Summer Rose Early Concept Designs??? :0

I have no idea where these came from but WHOAAAAAA Summer Rose early concept designs??? :0

They are sisters.

I am not a mental health professional of any kind (psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) but I am a writer and I've noticed a trend in fanfiction and original media spaces where actual clinical terms are being misapplied in a romance setting which I find to be a disservice both to real mental health concerns and romance itself.

Cut for length but in particular I want to get into how the terms "love bombing" and "codependency" are being discussed and, I believe, misapplied to describe normal romantic behavior, particularly in the romance fiction space, and the risks of how the loss of nuance of what these terms were originally developed to describe might lead individuals to see threats in otherwise innocent behavior.

The most recent instance of this was on Ted Lasso 3.7 when the term, "love bombing" was used to warn a character about how their new love interest might be showering them with gifts and affection as a way to control them.

However, as I understand, love bombing was originally about cult behaviors. It was about how cults recruit new members by showering them with over the top displays of affection in a coordinated effort by the group to lure them in and then make it difficult to leave. Cults are organization with goals and motives, including but not limited to fleecing money, sex, or free labor from their recruits, which is why this tactic was developed.

Now, love bombing is also used to describe the portion of the cycle of abuse where the abuser showers the victim with love to tie them closer. And I think it's really interesting that we're deconstructing some of these heretofore unlabeled behaviors as a society (not just within professional circles) and examining how even the "positive" parts of a relationship with a person or an organization can contain danger within them.

That said, as the wiki article notes, "Excessive attention and affection does not constitute love bombing if there is no intent or pattern of further abuse."

Which I take to mean, yes, people should be wary in a new relationship about excessive gifts if they might be leading in a controlling or abusive relationship. Being aware of this as a tactic is definitely a good thing and a way for people to keep themselves safe.

That being said, gift giving and showering someone with excessive attention at the beginning of a relationship is also normal human behavior that we also call the honeymoon period among other nicknames. Someone showering you with love and attention isn't inherently a bad thing, even if it seems excessive. And in romance especially, a genre made up of grand gestures and exaggerated, wish-fulfillment takes on human behavior, we especially see a lot of excessive displays of love and affection including gift-giving, and real life people who are trying to be romantic borrow from the romance genre to inform their attempts to show love and affection to a partner.

"Love bombing" is also just one potential symptom, one potential red flag among what is most likely many. It's good that we're popularizing knowledge of it, but I fear that the nuance that this is part of a larger strategy of control and abuse which includes other tactics will be lost, and people may begin to see normal human efforts to convey love and affection as somehow malicious or worthy of deep suspicion.

Likewise along these lines: codependency.

Let's start with a definition: "In sociology, codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

Yet the way I see codependency most often discussed in fandom spaces like Tumblr and fanfic is basically, "Two people who are very into each other and who would break down if they lost the other person."

Which, by most normal human standards, would simply be called: love.

Codependency being used to describe love is, in my opinion, actually rather insidious and sad. As a psychological term, codependency is a condition that is meant to describe situations in which someone cannot function in day to day life without the other person, that the other person enforces as part of an effort to exert control.

Most psychological examinations and concerns (again, not a doctor, this is picked up largely anecdotally through contact with the field that comes from being neurodivergent) aren't about, "Is this thing slightly disruptive to your life?" they're about "Does this thing prevent this adult from taking part in society?" Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Obviously value to society isn't the only measure by which we should be studying pathologies and whatnot but it is one of the most pressing ones and one of the most common measures of if something is a mental health or behavioral problem rather than just an oddity: can this person function in day to day life on their own.

Codependency is supposed to apply to whether someone can hold down a job, if they can feed themselves, if they can interact with others, if they can leave the house on their own without the other person. If they they had all power taken from their life so that the death or the absence of the other person would reduce them to an almost child-like state of helplessness?

It is not, "The love of my life died and I'm inconsolable." It is not, "I love this person so much I want to spend every day with them." Generally speaking, if that's romantic love, we consider those people good candidates for marriage not a psych evaluation. If those people who are obsessively in love with each other can still hold down a job and go about daily life, good news! That's not codependency! If someone loses the love of their life and falls into a grieving state where they need help in their life and lack the motivation for self care, good news, that's also not codependency, that's grieving. It is normal to grieve when we lose someone important to us. It is not inherently a pathology.

I realize I might be making a big deal about nothing here. Hopefully, most people who throw around these terms like love bombing or codependency are doing so with a foundation of understanding of what a normal human relationship looks like and using words without doing so in a nuanced way is hardly a crime.

But I worry for younger people, or people less experienced with relationships, or those who are anxious when they see these new terms brought up as red flags without the context of their original meaning or how they are part of larger cycles of abuse. I think it's important for those who write romance to be aware of the proper usage for these words and not throw them around casually when describing love unless it is meant that way or unless they are deliberately describing abuse. Creating awareness is good! Make sure it's for the actual threat, and not being sloppily misapplied in a way that makes audiences question normal human behavior.

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