So Hi. I Haven't Opened Tumblr In Like A Month As I Was Away From Home For My Scholar Internship, Now

so hi. i haven't opened tumblr in like a month as i was away from home for my scholar internship, now i'm back and i don't even know where to start. first of all, i hate my house and my parents, i wish i could go back to vienna every single moment of every day since i've been here. i despise my bedroom, i eat too much, my bed stinks and everything reminds me of depression. today's been the worst so far, i don't even have the strength to wake up or answer some texts. and viennaaaa, oh how i miss the place, and the people. to them, it probably isn't as important, this is just a normal experience a lot of teenagers do, but to me, it was most likely the closest i'll ever be to knowing what it feels like to be alive, to have a group of friends you can laugh with and get high with and to have people who care about you and know you, even if just a little bit. i was alone and i was alright. nothing will ever bring me back to those feelings. feelings my mind has already erased due to how i'm used to this sick place. and i don't want to go back to school, i fear there's no more energy in me to spend another year like the last few ones. always swinging, ranting and raving, feeling like I'm being dragged around. and that one boy...for the first time ever, i felt like i could be interested in someone in a normal way. for the first time, i wasn't obsessive or unnatural, at least not while living through the moment. only he has a girlfriend. and like, who am i fooling? i am able to recognise that i am not his person anyway, and that nothing would have happened even if he hadn't already been with someone because of how i normally act and handle these situations -i don't feel like i deserve to be with someone, I'm firmly sure nobody will ever feel romantic attraction towards me-, the problem is that i don't know how to forget and how to move on from all of the simple, yet special things that have come upon me, as it never happened to me before.

sometimes i just feel like i wanna hang myself

she just uploaded on letterbox the film we were supposed to see together😆😆 + she's been ghosting me for seven days now, leaving me without an actual answer about the time we should meet for our day out, which is this friday by the way.

I just wish I had at least a real friend, just one person that would care about me

I fucking hate her

I can't stand to live with this burden she leaves in me every single time she acts like she cares about me just enough to play with my feelings and have me only when she needs me, I can't explain it but it physically pains me and I hate herr I hate her so much

t̷̷h̷̷e̷ ̷y̷̷o̷̷u̷̷n̷̷g̷̷e̷̷s̷̷t̷ ̷d̷a̷̷u̷̷g̷̷h̷̷t̷̷e̷̷r̷ ̷l̷̷o̷̷s̷̷t̷ ̷h̷̷e̷̷r̷ ̷w̷a̷̷y̷

those nights were on fire, we couldn't get higher

we didn't know that we had it all

what's up everybodyy so i just heard my mother screaming and complaining at my father about me, calling me ill-mannered, rude, stupid, irrational and imbecile. she probably had some more adjectives but i decided to close my window and bear with the heat instead of her heinous voice

like i'm not saying that i know him or that i am in love with him, i just wish i could have had the chance to do so