Waking Up In A New City

Waking up in a new city

Waiting to get out and find new people

Wondering what is coming my way.

A new journey for my weariness

Trying to do what my soul needs of me

Chasing smiles.

Fighting through my own depression

Hoping to climb up and out

Towards better dreams.

Living with a gentle faith

That everything is going to be ok

And I

I am going to thrive.

I rage against God

Dysphoria hits hard sometimes.

I look in the mirror and I don't see what I want.

There stands an imposter

Telling me

"you'll never be loved

Never be seen."

It runs over and over in my head

Stealing every moment.

Soon I am back in the bed

Just trying to hide.

Pulling up blankets

Running from myself.

Sometimes I can escape it

Today isn't one of those days.

I do my best.

I know my heart.

Just exhausted by it all

Ready to be me

Inside and out.

Do you know what was in pandora's box?

The fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

Free will.

Precisely because the first act of free will for humans

Was in this slight rebellion.

To peer into God's tool chest

To eat from his sacred tree

To steel from God what made God God.

Now we are God

And he can no longer tell right from wrong.

An evil dictate from whom we stole morality.

Sometimes I want to die

And that is ok

Because I know I don't really want to die

I just don't want to be in that moment.

So I outrun the dark thoughts

Stabilize

And look for something beautiful.

Then I smile.

1-12-22

Having my Orchiectomy y'all