Sometimes I Want To Die

Sometimes I want to die

And that is ok

Because I know I don't really want to die

I just don't want to be in that moment.

So I outrun the dark thoughts

Stabilize

And look for something beautiful.

Then I smile.

I absolutely believe in God,

And I believe he is evil

I rage against God

Why I am afraid of sex

--------------------------

I have no idea and all too many.

Fear of being seen

Fear of taking up space

Fear of not knowing what I am doing

Fear of not being perfect

Fear

It is the driving hindrance of my life.

I am afraid of everything because I do not understand everything

I find myself trapped in my own head

Desperately trying to understand.

I get turned around and stressed

Obsessively analyzing every single moment of it

Robotically approaching the situation

Trying to solve a formula

A combination

A puzzle that can be beaten

And then I will know it all

Never struggling again.

I need to be god

And achieve the impossible.

Sex is intimate

And that requires me to remove the mask

The mask that is the lie of me.

I pretend at being bold

Knowledgeable.

I play at being functional

And that I get every joke or innuendo.

I am great at seeming like I know what I am doing

But understanding alludes me.

Intimacy brings me face to face with myself

And that is something I have buried under a million miles of sedimentary masks.

I don't know how to be me.

I have been alone for most of my life,

Having tasted that rarity of companionship

It's absence is all the more deafening.

My new friend is in agony

And there is nothing I can do.

Waiting for them to return

So I can have her in my life again.