I Wanted To Know God

I wanted to know God

And when I did

I did not like what I had seen.

From the depths of love

To the peaks of hate

God is all too real for me.

My life is in a massive state of flux right now. Transitioning, surgery, moving, everything seems up in the air. The only thing I do have a firm grasp on is myself, and even in this I am still learning about this me. I am happy, in spite of the stress, I know I am living the life I am supposed to, and it is only going to get more me from here. I have accomplished a lot in my life, things I am proud of. I am my greatest project and words can't describe how happy I am with my own pursuit to that end

Dysphoria hits hard sometimes.

I look in the mirror and I don't see what I want.

There stands an imposter

Telling me

"you'll never be loved

Never be seen."

It runs over and over in my head

Stealing every moment.

Soon I am back in the bed

Just trying to hide.

Pulling up blankets

Running from myself.

Sometimes I can escape it

Today isn't one of those days.

I do my best.

I know my heart.

Just exhausted by it all

Ready to be me

Inside and out.

My blog really has transformed into a transition blog. I love photographing myself, and being able to see the transformation. I still write poetry, but not as often, and when I do it is all too personal. I do hope to write more, just looking for all the right motivations, and the gumption to do it

What kind of girl am I?

One who doesn't wear make-up often,

Can't fix her hair up,

Loves to do her nails but loves to watch them fade.

I play games and eat food

Have a hard time drinking and smoking weed.

Dreams of relationships

But needs her solitude.

I am not the image of expected femininity.

My voice doesn't pass

My body doesn't pass

I don't pass.

I honestly don't mind

But I live with the assumptions I have of other people's thoughts.

Every sir I get

Every dismissal I receive

They hurt.

I hate feeling the need to do certain things

Just to be validated

But here I am

Wondering if I am doing enough.

Trying to just be happy in my own self

Some days are just harder than others.