Since Beginning Hormones

Since beginning hormones

I would not say I am more emotional

But it is easier to experience my emotions.

Before there was a violence to them.

An intense repression which felt and was toxic.

Now I know them

Let them run their course

And possess a greater well-being.

When I was six I marched off into a field, full of intention to kill myself. I drew pictures of me dying. Only now have I considered this early aspect of what would become my art.

I have written and painted, lived a thousand thousand suicides. Worshiped it, built a cult of death within my heart regarding it, always dreaming about my own end, all of it designed to make it special, beautiful, noble. I spent my days planning to die, only surviving because I never felt my task of love was finished.

It is a wild thing now. I do actively try to avoid thinking about it. I find reasons to enjoy living. Yet my oh my, it is a fascinating temptation

I remember when I was younger

Preaching before god's children.

I alluded to the possibility

That god might be a sinner.

"To be capable of sin

Is to be guilty of sin"

And Jesus Christ

Was tempted to sin.

Indeed

god said we switched places.

If I were a sinner damned to god

Then god was damned to sin.

I exalted free and clean

Having never been guilty in any case.

Walking out

I feel all eyes on me.

Not in the way I always dreamed

But as if I were a wicked thing.

Some abomination accursed of god

Defiant

Apostate

Resolute before all creation.

I feel scared,

Naked,

Raw,

Some tiny thing in the middle of a field

As the wolves do prowl.

Before,

I'd have run away.

Locked myself in my room

Hiding who I was.

I'd have cried

Loathing how wrong I felt

How off my body was

To the vision I held in hope.

Not now.

Yes I am scared.

Yes

I get nervous

But I don't care any more.

I want to dress how I want to dress

Flaunt the beauty I recognize in me.

Show too much leg

Wear sheer blouses

Take pride in my curves and lack there of.

I want to live and love freely in the open.

Be seen and acknowledged as existing.

I have already spent years hiding from myself.

I'm done giving in and lying down.

.

And each day it gets easier.

Not that the struggle loses its bite.

I just love myself more

Take pride in myself more

And grow steadily more incapable

Of ever settling again

I'm going to miss you when we're gone

I hate falling in love.

Always seems to be with the person who can't want me back.

Silly crushes turned fervent

And so heartsickness withers my bones.

My chest hurts

I want to cry.

Can't get enough distance

In order for it to subside.

Silly dreams

Silly thoughts

Raging confusion beneath his gaze.