athenaareia

duchessina (taylor's version)

perpollo fanfics | cats | taylor swift | shah rukh khan | history

361 posts

Eliza: Stop Doing That.

Eliza: Stop doing that.

Alexander: Stop doing what?

Eliza: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.

Eliza: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma?

Alexander: Oklahoma City, bitch!

('Tis a joke. Ham would never swear at his lovely wife)

Alexander: Where did you get that tomato soup?

Eliza: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

(When Eliza's too tired to put effort into cooking actual food)

Alexander: So you like cats?

Eliza: Yeah.

Alexander: Tries to impress her by slowly pushing a glass off the table.

Alexander: You got a date yet Eliza?

Eliza: No.

Alexander: Well you do now! Get your ass up and hold my hand!

Eliza: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me.

Alexander: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

(She's mad at him because he swore in front of baby Philip and Angie)

Alexander: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Eliza meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

(I don't know if they would actually do this, but I like to believe they would <3)

Alexander: Snow got me feeling some type of way.

Eliza: That's hypothermia.

Alexander: Damn, the paramedics told me it was the magic of Christmas.

(Eliza is very much concerned and trying to get him to go inside and sit in front of the fire)

Eliza: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.

Alexander: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.

(Oh, it means everything <3)

Eliza: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Alexander: Okay.

Eliza: And make out during the scary parts.

Alexander: Th-

Alexander: The scary parts.

Alexander: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

(Yes, Alexander. She didn't stutter. The scary parts. Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl)

Alexander: I’m so tired.

Eliza: Did you get to bed late?

Alexander: No.

Eliza: Did you do something strenuous?

Alexander: No.

Eliza: Then why are you tired?

Alexander: I’m alive.

Eliza: Sounds exhausting.

(Eliza is right. Being alive is super exhausting 😔)

Alexander: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?

Eliza: Aww-

Alexander: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

(No, because he would definitely do this. You can't prove otherwise)

Alexander: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.

Eliza: That's great, Alexander. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 10 years and have 4 children.

(Ham just got back from drinking with his friends. He's drunk 😁)

Alexander, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often?

Eliza, confused: I mean, this is our house, so yeah.

Eliza: Alex, could we go shopping? All the snacks are gone.

Alexander: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?!

Alexander comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Eliza’s bedroom.

Eliza: Babe, are you.. coming to bed?

Alexander: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a girlfriend.

Alexander: Lies on the ground and falls asleep.

Eliza: ...

Eliza: We're literally married, though???

(Again, Ham is drunk 😁👍)

Eliza: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Alexander: It was autocorrect.

Eliza: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me"?

Alexander: Yes.

(Yeah, that happens sometimes. Totally 👍)

Eliza: Alexander, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Alexander: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

(Again, Ham swore in front of the kids)

Eliza: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Alexander: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day.

Eliza: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

(And that's on those rare occasions that he actually does sleep)

Eliza: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

Alexander: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

Eliza: ...

Eliza: You mean ring bearER, right?

Alexander: ...

Eliza: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

(He totally is. As he should 😌✨)

Eliza: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, Alexander?

Alexander: …Not really.

Eliza: Nothing?

Alexander: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there.

(And that, kids, is the true meaning of Christmas. Exploiting people into buying stuff that they don't really need under the guise of it being worth it. That also fits for Black Friday, actually-)

Alexander: Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is—

Eliza: Cenotaph.

Alexander: What?

Eliza: It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body. A monument honouring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.

Alexander: I'm... not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.

Eliza: There's a precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere. There's no rule that says the body itself can't do the removing.

Alexander: Okay, but the body is very much coming back. That's kind of what we're here to accomplish.

Eliza: So it's a temporary cenotaph.

Alexander: And naturally our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.

Eliza: Semantic ambiguity is how vampires get you.

(I just thought this one was silly. I liked it)

Alexander: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Eliza: Steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to her knees and sob while apologizing profusely.

Alexander: That one. I want that one.

Eliza: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Alexander: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.