Went Somewhere Nice This Morning To Finish Up My Presentation Because My Apartment Is Currently Stress

went somewhere nice this morning to finish up my presentation because my apartment is currently stress messy and I am too exhausted to clean it.

growing up neurodivergent is just.

"why are you doing that. its weird"

"the way you laugh is weird."

"the way you dress is weird"

"why does your face look like that?"

"why aren't you happy with my gift"

"why don't you talk more"

"why do you talk so much"

"you're annoying"

and then as an adult:

"why are you always worried about what people think of you?"

“If you can’t do anything about it then let it go. Don’t be a prisoner to things you can’t change.”

— Tony Baskin

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

How does one stay alive?

How do you stay alive? How can I say alive? I am tired. I no longer have that want to move forward, but still have that little hope of seeing my future. I want to stay alive, but it's getting a bit too hard. I can't depend on my parents anymore, well, at least in 2-3 years. It's scary. The support system that I've known my whole life might not be there for me in a few decades. I'm scared, of how uncertain my future is. How any second everything can change and leave someone happy or leave everyone crying. But humans keep on persevering. But I don't have that in me. I'm a coward. I'm scared of life. I'm scared of living life fully.

May 2nd, 2023.

I dread this life. People are creatures hiding their hideous faces, offering friendship under false pretences.