Alone With My Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

Caligo

The rain calms down

Amongst the fog

I stand alone

Its another restless night

Endless

The dreams I have I am surrounded by the sea

Nothingness and isolation smothers my mind

Numb

Endless

Vast

A fragile lifeline crumbles beneath the fury of the heavy waves

Departure isn’t a recourse

So I remain

Left behind

Siren

Even in the abyss there lies beauty

Desire

Labeled lethal

Singing men out to the sea

Uncomfortable with their self-reflection on the waters surface.

They hunt down trepidation unsettled by their own depths

Only thirsting for more

Drowning

Bandaid🩹

A tortured soul cries out unable to contain the agony

Static and moisture fill up the clouds, we can’t escape these cycles

Swallow

gripping tighter to the cliffs edge, praying for better weather

But the Cataclysmic storm rages on, the pills did not matter

Another visit needed but only a bandaid is given

smothering any hope or desire

Under the Bridge

Scared to fall down

Or to drown

But what scares most around

Is lie I keep telling myself

“It’s merely water under the bridge”

So I am sorry to any one who liked the original poem more. It was my least favourite one and I personally felt it didn’t capture the feeling I wanted.

In Hiding…

Worn Thin

The hermit hides

Hidden away

Always planning for the worst

Doomsday

Life Journey

Window eyes

Driving live

Wondering where this journey will take us

If you rush

It will pass you by

Prehaps

Adventure awaits those

who

take their time

Friends of hope 2

Threw windows

Threw eyes

I will undo my demise

Make believe

Pretend

They got me through my pain again.

Deep Guilt

Self Forgiveness

They help me threw out my own weakness

Their the most honest

Their the most kind

My real friends do not mind

They understand that we all go thew

really challenging times

💝

In this Unintentional Weightloss

It's worn me thin and frail

Eats my flesh

And shows my bones

I don't recognize me anymore

Not old

Nor Current

People ask me how I have done it

But it was never on purpose

It’s part of the illness

Still

I am guilty

there was a time i wanted this

Now I live in shame

I look amiss

I would like to make clear I am not underweight in this picture, nor is this weightloss intentional . This was the beginning of the pounds just dropping off due to never feeling hungry or feeling full after a couple bites. This is due to chronic pain that comes with endometriosis. Currently I am slightly under bmi and trying to get some weight back on but it’s been very challenging.

I'm not feeling it today I'm very hurt and had no other outlet

I’m trapped. Literally. I’m constantly facing my triggers, again and again and again and again and again and again

I’m trapped inside my own head. I stare into space and everything becomes blurry, I’m back to where it all started. The emptiness, the abandonment, and the urge to self destruct.

Let the count down begin.

How many days has it been?

When did I see your smile for the last time?

Where did you go?

Unbearable. I shove these thoughts down to the deepest depths inside me. I let Shame mask me.

My memories were stolen from me.

A blank, black screen appears when I try to access the memory. And many other memories.

I was denied a look at him, after he had-

“ Thaw would’ve been too traumatic!”

I’m now left with a guilt, for not being able to see you one last time.

You took everything from me. You claimed it was for the greater good. Now, I can’t even remember his face.

My grandma died one summer. I woke up, my grandpa was freaking out, told me to go back to sleep. He went outside, called an ambulance.

I didn’t listen.

“ Nana?”

Dust particles waved around in the light shining through the windows. In front of one window, was the bed I was supposed to sleep in. I never slept in that bed, I always moved to the couch. I could never sleep alone.

In that bed, lied my grandma. She was as angelic as she was in death as in life.

She however was lifeless. Of course, this isn’t my first loss. She had a red blanked covering her cold body, as if she was asleep. A tear rolled down my eye when I sat next to her body.

I touched her arm.

“Nana?”

“Are you okay Nana?”

“Wake up Nana!”

I touched her forehead, caressing her hair. I leaned in close, waiting for her to wake. But when I first saw her, I knew.

I knew she was gone.

Im left with an angelic image of my grandma forever in my brain. If anything, I think it’s the one thing that helped me cope the most.

But him? My last image of him was stolen from me. I can’t see his face anymore.

Because they kept me from him, he is out of reach.

And that, is forever unforgivable

tired eyes with a screaming mind.

College has made me feel lonelier than the time i spent all alone in the pandemic in the safe walls of my room.

Under my skin is a person screaming at me for not recognising her.

I am breathing, I am alive.

I have been searching for the reason I am alive, cliche.

And I know the reason. My parents wanted me to exist. Against my will.

It gets tiring knowing that there will always be people better than you, your parents know it too. But instead of encouraging you, they compare you to them, relentlessly making you feel like a small speck of dust that will never be able to move a mountain. They know they want their child to be better, to make them proud. So, they choose to dictate what the child does in life, manipulate them into doing what the parents wanted to do, making the child think that they want to do it.

I am breathing, I am born, I am alive.

But at what cost?

I always feel like closing down myself whenever I feel like I've revealed a bit too much. It sucks. I feel like an imposter, a fake. I can never be myself, no one really knows me, hey think they know me but, do they really know me?

How does one stay alive?

How do you stay alive? How can I say alive? I am tired. I no longer have that want to move forward, but still have that little hope of seeing my future. I want to stay alive, but it's getting a bit too hard. I can't depend on my parents anymore, well, at least in 2-3 years. It's scary. The support system that I've known my whole life might not be there for me in a few decades. I'm scared, of how uncertain my future is. How any second everything can change and leave someone happy or leave everyone crying. But humans keep on persevering. But I don't have that in me. I'm a coward. I'm scared of life. I'm scared of living life fully.