Rewatching Early Mighty Nein Made Me Have A Revelation:

rewatching early Mighty Nein made me have a revelation:

In the early campaign (and honestly a lot of the way through it) Caleb still believes he is and always will be a bad person. Unlovable, messed up, just wrong.

And yet, I look at him fondly even at the start, see how kind he is trying to be, how lovingly he interacts with Nott, how he cares for the M9 aleady, even if he couldn't admit it. I look at him with admiration, knowing how he will learn to be loved again, and will learn that people care for him not despite but because of everything he went through. Because they accept every aspect of him.

Anyway, if anyone is currently struggling with something and not feeling well because of it: You are more than what is happening to you, more than your health, more than your trauma. You're a person having a shit time and so valid for feeling absolutely awful. And it's not your fault. Mostly saying this to myself because I need to hear it too.

You're not unlovable. The dirt wizard was never unlovable.

Sometimes the rats in my brain come together and start yelling “YEARNING” and in trying to appease them I ask “FOR WHAT” but they are too small so all they can say is “YEARNING” which is a very big word for such a tiny creature, even collectively

you are 16. you are talking with a gay man in his 50s or 60s, a friend, huge and gentle with a scarf and short fluffy curls of gray hair, who has directed you in two plays staged in your mid-size artsy town. (he has not yet asked you to be in his production of The Laramie Project which will change your life. this conversation will also change your life.)

he is talking about theatre. he is talking about theatre when he was younger. he says, "of course, it was AIDS then." in the pause, you ask him. clumsy and quiet and 16 and "straight," you ask him. what was it like.

he takes a moment in which his face is not like a person's face. "there was a time," he says, "i'm not sure how long, years. when i went to a funeral every weekend." he tells you about two funerals in a day, and choosing between friends when you couldn't make it to both. he does not look at you, he looks at them. his wet grey gaze is so clear that you start to see ghosts. it will be years before you understand why it feels like your grief too. why the ghosts call you family.

dig

gotta find the joy. gotta dig through the dirt and find it because thats all there is. those little moments are what we get to share together, just a blink in and out of this timeline. and somehow, INCREDIBLY, those little moments are worth it

feeling especially so tired and disabled at the moment (so, projecting on him. because hes so disabled coded fr to meee)

[ID: a digital sketch of caduceus from critical role with pink colouring for his hair and nose. he's lying in bed under a thick duvet, reading a book with a tired expression and dizzy spiral above his head. his feet and tail are sticking out the end of the duvet. end ID]