Cat Thinks Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

stuck in limbo between "I'm dying" and "I lived, bitch"

If I can't try, I can endure.

I've been saying that to myself a lot recently. So if you have no energy to try and do stuff currently or you feel like your body and mind are betraying you in some way? You will get through that, you will endure that until you have enough energy to get to the trying part again. And then the trying might even become doing for a little bit.

If I can't believe it for myself rn I hope you whoever reads this can. And I believe it for you too.

rewatching early Mighty Nein made me have a revelation:

In the early campaign (and honestly a lot of the way through it) Caleb still believes he is and always will be a bad person. Unlovable, messed up, just wrong.

And yet, I look at him fondly even at the start, see how kind he is trying to be, how lovingly he interacts with Nott, how he cares for the M9 aleady, even if he couldn't admit it. I look at him with admiration, knowing how he will learn to be loved again, and will learn that people care for him not despite but because of everything he went through. Because they accept every aspect of him.

Anyway, if anyone is currently struggling with something and not feeling well because of it: You are more than what is happening to you, more than your health, more than your trauma. You're a person having a shit time and so valid for feeling absolutely awful. And it's not your fault. Mostly saying this to myself because I need to hear it too.

You're not unlovable. The dirt wizard was never unlovable.

Foolishly waiting for the power of gay [pride month] to make me feel alive again. Make the health obey the gay.

but actually pls, how am I supposed to be gay do crimes in these conditions??? rude.

Writing fics is sometimes a balance of

"I know exactly how this one character works, I know them so well because they practically lived in my brain rent free for years"

and

"I know pretty well how this other character works but over the course of writing this fic I accidentally started heavily projecting on them and they became a blend between my conciousness and themself and—wait are you even still this character? Why can't I see your face in my brain??"

and I think that's beautiful.

One reason why Calamity is a fucking masterpiece: Zerxus taking his oath of redemption so seriously that he tries to atone the literal lord of the hells AND STILL PITIES HIM WHEN HE IS BETRAYED BY ASMODEUS. Brennan was wild for that whole monologue in E4 and "to reach a hand down to somebody they need to be BENEATH YOU" still lives rent free in my brain.

We get many different representations of hubris in this campaign. But I love how for Zerxus it's not the almost arrogant behaviour we see in Laerryn for example. She selfishly and recklessly does everything for her goal no matter the consequences (good for her tho, confident queen, I love her in this narrative just as much).

Zerxus' downfall is his deep belief in humanity even with godly beings like Asmodeus. His beliefs are ignorant of the fact that the gods (most of them at least) were never ordinary people. Humanity doesn't extend to them. The people of Exandria make the gods more person-like in their minds to understand an approximation of what they truly are. And Zerxus got blinded by that through his oath. Yes, his actions are following a goal no matter the consequences too, but it's not selfish in the same sense like a wizard achieving her goal. He selflessly tries so hard to 'help' Asmodeus, he believes he can save even the Devil from his own corruption. The only thing selfish is the wish to fulfill his oath to a level he cannot achieve.

His hubris is believing in the inherent goodness of anyone who just wants to overcome what is keeping them from living it. In Asmodeus' case: being a devil, a fiend, being evil. And Zerxus gets corrupted in trying. It's so beautifully tragic.

My friend loaned me a book today because our conversation reminded her of it. I started reading it when I got home and it's really good. [The sound of a wild snail eating by Elisabeth Tova Bailey, for reference]

Eventually, as you do, I smelled the book. I love the smell of (most) books, especially old ones, and I was curious what this one smelled like. It didn't smell like other books.

It smelled like my friend.

Like her room. Like comfort and a hug and summer nights and hour long talks in the kitchen and listening to music together and dancing together and just like her.

This book is a piece of my friend and I get to read it and it means so much to me.

One random evening you give listening to sleep token another chance and two days later your mind is playing "the night comes down like heaven" on loop so much that the line follows you in your dreams and is STILL IN YOUR BRAIN THE NEXT MORNING.

this is nothing but aggressive appreciation lol.

uuh so. this is the soonest I've ever bought concert tickets after finding a new band to listen to, fuck yeah I'm hyped

One random evening you give listening to sleep token another chance and two days later your mind is playing "the night comes down like heaven" on loop so much that the line follows you in your dreams and is STILL IN YOUR BRAIN THE NEXT MORNING.

this is nothing but aggressive appreciation lol.

I am watching the Drumeo video of II drumming and holy fuck this is fascinating to watch.

Like, I don't know much about drumming, except for a very simple beat I had to learn in school once and having a drummer in the family. But how his hands are flying over the drum kit in Alkaline??? The way he navigates so effortlessly through the complex rhythms??? I'm floored. This fucking rules.

Honestly think the drums are a big part of what drew me to their music; apart from being intrigued by their songs as a whole concept, with the mix of genres and also of course lyrically. But the drum lines are full of constant surprises, the rhythm is never predictable and that makes it so interesting to listen to. For my brain at least.

a lot of ppl in the notes of the previous post are mentioning museums hoarding stolen cultural objects which is important beyond measure but museums shutting down due to lack of funding will not result in repatriation of cultural materials, they would most likely be auctioned off to private ultra-wealthy collectors to recoup some of their debt and we'd never find these objects again let alone be able to repatriate them. i understand the desire to say 'fuck museums let them die' for this reason but it won't have the result you think it will, and it will also mean that all of their ethically sourced and donated materials (which for most museums are the vast majority of their collections) will no longer be cared for by experts but again, sold off to private collectors who can do whatever they want with them or deteriorate in storehouses indefinitely. this would be catastrophic for public history and collective knowledge-sharing across the globe across cultures, and museums in post-colonial and run by/for racialized or otherwise oppressed ethnic groups will fall first because they receive FAR less funding than the large western institutions. just repeating phrases and sentiments you've seen online as a form of performative activism without knowing anything about what you're talking about does more harm than good and doesn't make you look smart or clever just foolish it's so deeply annoying and frustrating

It's always either ALL THE PROJECTS AT ONCE, NOW

or

no art, never art again. none inspiration with left depression

kinda fun accidentally finding multiple bands that make a bunch of 6 to 14 minutes long songs because 3 minute songs suddenly feel oddly short

I do love a good 3 minute song, but not realizing 14 minutes have passed because the music made you forget time exists hits different lkdsfaj

Do you ever fall in a hyperfixation pit that keeps getting deeper and deeper? I feel like Dante venturing into the nine circles of hell.

And I love it here.

when life stuff is happening and it's not your fault but it feels like it is and it makes you hate that part of yourself that you feel like is responsible even tho it's not and instead it's just how things go sometimes is pretty fucked up.

Anyway, @ myself and whomever needs it: Make some tea, take a break, be kind to yourself, I love you. <3