I Feel Like People Would Still Scoff And Groan And Complain Of Who I Could Have Been Even On My Funeral.

I feel like people would still scoff and groan and complain of who I could have been even on my funeral.

Hephaestion wakes up with a start. There were people running around outside his tent, he could hear them. Far away, he could hear thundering footsteps against the earth and a war horn blowing. It was still early in the morning but the enemies were there to attack. Sighing, he turns to see Alexander sleeping next to him.

Hephaestion hated a lot of things about Alexander. He hated how much he drunk, he hated his arrogance, his anger, his pride, he hated so many things about Alexander. Alexander who was strong, who was the prince, who was hailed as the son of Zeus, who killed his own father to take the throne. In Alexander's defence his father was a dick.

But the thing is, Alexander was his friend. No matter what Alexander did, Hephaestion was unable to hate him. And now, he slept without any care in the world when enemies were right outside. And the reason he slept without a care was because Hephaestion was the General to his armies and he knew that Hephaestion would win.

They win that battle. Like they always do. And when they reach the royal family who attacked them, their queen falls on his knees before Hephaestion to beg for her life and her children's. "You are mistaken. I am not the King."

The queen's eyes widens. Before she could apologise Alexander smiles at her kindly. "You were not mistaken, Mother. This man too is Alexander." And then walks away.

Hephaestion watches as Alexander sits at the throne of the king they just defeated. "I will not harm you or your family but in turn you must welcome me as your ruler." He tells the court and they all bow to him. Hephaestion tilts his head and goes to stand next to him.

This is how things have been for the longest time. Hephaestion was always beside Alexander. Wherever the King resided the General was beside him. Even when they were children and Alexander couldn't bear to stay inside with his father and mother, Hephaestion and Alexander would stay under the stars and talk about seeing the world. Alexander wanted to see everything, he wanted to see worlds beyond the stars, he wanted to see Olympus, he wanted to see the Gods. Hephaestion was to be beside him. Nowhere else. Hephaestion thinks when Alexander talks about wars, battles and conquest; he would be nowhere else than here. They were too alike, even in the way they dressed, acted and spoke.

And when Alexander became King, he listened to Hephaestion more than he listened to anyone else. He hears his father's subjects but takes only Hephaestion's words to heart. And even now, after so many battles and wars, he still heeds only his words and not anyone else.

The queen kneels before Alexander and offers her daughter in marriage as a sign of acceptance but he refuses, saying that the king is still alive and he would wed her daughter only after the king is dead.

They stay in the city that they won for a few nights, even if Alexander had two wives he still tumbled into Hephaestion's bed. And Alexander acts like it's perfectly fine to sleep in Hephaestion's room and not let him sleep. When they touch each other, it was simply need instead of want and when they slept beside one another that was need as well.

They leave to hunt down the king who escaped the battlefield. They find him after days of travel. They kill him very easily. The defeated king did not gain safety from anyone and was wandering from the day of battle with his injuries unattended. While they ride back home Alexander tells Hephaestion to take the queen's other daughter as his bride. Hephaestion agrees because it would strengthen their campaign.

They get married to the princesses on the same day. The third wife for Alexander and the very first bride for Hephaestion.

Few days later Hephaestion is planning for their next battle and Alexander is reading on the table. And when Hephaestion's words get too loud, he closes the scroll and looks at him. Hephaestion stops talking.

"Are you quite done?"

"Yes." Hephaestion answers.

"Good." Alexander says and kisses him.

Hephaestion laughs. "Three wives. You have three wives."

"They are not you." Alexander says and that was that.

When they reach their next battlefield Hephaestion's skin itches. He doesn't want to be there. And it is worse after they win the battle. It was clear that something bad was going to come. He stays beside Alexander and doesn't allow anyone unknown near him. Alexander hosts games in honor of their victory and few days before the games Hephaestion coughs up blood and realizes that he was the one who is dying.

Still he does his duties but the day when they are supposed to leave for the games, Hephaestion stays back and promises that he would join him a few days later, after he oversees the construction of the monument for Hephaestion.

He feels fine for a few days. Then the sickness sets in and he loses himself. And whenever he comes back, there is someone beside him, taking care of him but it's not Alexander. In his sickness he dreams of many things. But when he wakes up he doesn't remember them. He thinks about the time he was with Alexander. There never has been a time when he hasn't been with him. He thinks about the time they visited the tomb of Achilles and Patroclus. Alexander had honoured Achilles while Hephaestion honoured Patroclus, then they had raced and felt the air in their hair and skin.

Hephaestion thinks that he has never told Alexander that he has loved him. He told him that he will stay beside him, win him battles and conquer the world with him. But he has never told him about his affections. Alexander had said that Hephaestion and him were the same. Had he known all along?

Hephaestion thinks that he was not meant to grow old. Heroes never grow old. They always go out in a blaze of fire and glory. Patroclus had died in battle with Achilles's armour on him. Hephaestion who was Alexander's armour is going to die alone.

Hephaestion dies and the rage of the King is uncontrollable. His grief is uncontrollable. Alexander arrives the night of the day Hephaestion dies. And he kills so many people. He killes Hephaestion's physician, the guards and almost a hundred men for his funeral. And when he is not cutting down men like grass he is crying on the floor like he was in pain and no one can placate him. Three wives and Alexander threatens to kill anyone who comes near him.

Alexander fights and wins. Heroes don't grow old. But living while your other half is gone, is a far greater tragedy than anything else. What was conquering the sun and the stars if Hephaestion wasn't there? When Alexander dies eight months later, he doesn't think of Olympus, the Gods, his Empire or his conquests. He thinks of Hephaestion.

Where art thou, my love?

Amongst the moon?

Amongst the stars?

Amongst the sun?

Where art thou, my love?

Amongst my foes?

Amongst my friends?

Amongst the beasts?

Where art thou, my love?

In my heart?

In my bones?

In my soul?

Where art thou my love?

In a kiss?

In a grasp?

In a word?

Where art thou, in my life?

Harlowe is born the day his mother dies. He is breathing for the first time while his mother breathed the last. His father doesn’t hold, but his brother does, and he calls him Lyra because he thought Harlowe sounded like a lyre when he cried for the first time. His brother teaches him many things, he taught him about the kingdom they lived in, about the royal family, about how there is war always in the eastern front, how the oldest prince is always in the battlefield, about how the king had stopped caring for the kingdom, how kind the second prince is, how quiet the third prince is, how Harlowe should speak with elders, how to fight, how to be honorable and how to always stand for justice; these were the things his brother taught him.

His father is home only twice a year for three weeks, the rest of the days months his father is fighting as a soldier in the eastern front. Whenever his father comes home, he brings gifts and teaches Harlowe how to be a good soldier for the prince. His father always wore the colors of the royal family proudly, the color of gold and purple but his brother always disapproved with his father but never spoke out against him. After their father has left his brother would tell him, ‘Don’t worry. After him I will be given his position in the army. So, don’t dream about fighting, dream about everything else. Leave the burdens to me.’

As older he got clearer the world he could see. He could see how his father did not arrive during the time he was supposed to, he saw how hard his brother worked to pay the taxes that were on them relentlessly, he saw how there was barely enough food on the table, he saw how everything was slowly falling apart and how helpless he truly was.

Harlowe, like every other boy in this world, falls in love, only he doesn’t realize that it is love. She was beautiful, she was everything that he never thought he needed in his life, she was everything that kept him awake at night wondering how he survived so long without her. She slowly became his friend, his partner in crime to drive his brother up the wall, his most trusted person after his brother, his equal. She saw him in his highs and lows, in his anger and in his frustration and she still chose to be his friend. She was his equal in all aspects and when she spoke- forget butterflies, the whole forest came alive inside of him.

Then the thing that brought chaos arrived and it brought destruction to everything Harlowe had ever loved. The war on the eastern front was won, but the oldest prince was dead and so were a number of troops, then the king died after killing himself and the second prince ascended the throne. While the royal family threw a party for the celebration for the new king, Harlowe didn’t have it in him to be to be happy for anything. Because his father was now dead and his brother was given a post in the capital so now, they would have to leave to serve the king there. He would have to leave her. When he departs from her, so many things in him die and he feels that nothing would be right again.

Harlowe is fourteen when disaster strikes again. After a few years of apparent peace, the youngest prince rallies troops against the king and dethrones him in the palace at the middle of the night, the king flees but his followers get stuck. The new king is ruthless. He crowns himself as the High King, and anyone who supported the previous king is killed or arrested. The people who won’t swear fealty to him are sent to camps where they have to remain until they die. He throws the rich out of their homes, kills the corrupt, and destroys any form of perversion in the kingdom. He promises equality for everyone in this kingdom, he says that everyone in this kingdom should earn their place and even his ministers would be treated like everyone else and all he asked in return was peace and submission. Equality in all aspects, those had been his words. He utters these words while he stands next to the throne of this brother and father while still covered in blood from the massacre that had occurred that night.

Harlowe would have loved the King, if not for what happened next; Harlowe’s brother came to him the morning after the rebellion, telling him to pack his things so that they could leave. Harlowe’s brother had done something against the new King. The door to their small house is broken in and his brother shakes him and tells him to just survive. Harlowe knew that his brother had personally served the previous king but he wishes his brother would just kneel and beg when the guards force him to the floor and the High King demands something from him. Some truth, what it was, Harlowe did not know. His brother refuses to depart the truth, even when the King himself breaks Harlowe’s arm. His brother dies while looking at him and the King throws the sword his brother had carried at him. The King looks at him and asks, ‘Well?’ and Harlowe kneels and begs for his life and the King allows him to join the army. Harlowe has always been quick witted, he might seem like a coward for begging the man who killed his brother. But in the end, he will be the reason for the fall of that man.

Now years later, Harlowe stands before the man who killed his brother, he smiles while guards force him on his knees, his mentor- someone he had trusted- lies dead a few feet before him, he smiles as the executioner raises a sword against him. He smiles because he knows that even now, even if he kneels, he has won. Then it all goes black.

Shall we start from the beginning?

Are you ready?

Call me by your name and I will call you by mine, is equivalent to, he is more myself than I am, whatever our souls are made of his and mine are the same.

Let's all go cry now.

ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS.

This is a story you all know well. Beautiful and tragic this story is. The Greeks loved men and women alike. It did not matter to them a person's gender. Achilles was the prince. The son of a Goddess and a King. The best of Greeks. The best of men.

When Achilles first laid eyes upon Patroclus, he didn't look like much. He was covered in dirt and grime because of his long and excruciating travel. Achilles's father had welcomed him, told Achilles that Patroclus was a prince like him but he no longer was. Achilles did not care for all that, he was more intrigued by the quiet boy.

Becoming friends with Patroclus was easy as breathing for him. Patroclus knew when to pull him back if he should go too far and knew when to encourage him. Peleus didn't bother separating them both, instead, sent them both to Chiron.

The centaur had taken one look at them and knew what would become of them. Achilles who was fast, relentless and unforgiving, and Patroclus who was silent, soft and forgiving, Chiron had looked at them and saw their end even before they had begun. But he had guarded his silence and taught both his students to be great. He knew that they were destined for greatness, like he knew about Jason and about Heracles. He, also, knew that Jason's naive behaviour and Heracles's pride would be their downfall. Just as he knew that Achilles's pride and Patroclus's heart would be theirs.

When Thetis came, Chiron was tempted to send her away, to protect his students who he had come to cherish. Chiron knew that Thetis came with the news of war, the news of death.

Both Achilles and Patroclus bowed to him and promised that they would come visit him after the war was over. Chiron had simply nodded, not telling them that neither would make it back.

Achilles marveled at everything the ships, the soldiers, the sea. After Odysseus had brought him from the island he was hiding as a woman, everyone had told Achilles that he would be the reason for their victory. Not only because, he had taken the oath of Tyndareus, not because only someone with his blood can breach the walls but because he was the best fighter. He was the warrior who was to lead them towards victory. He was the best of Greeks. But Achilles knew that he would win, because Patroclus was beside him.

One thousand ships and fifty thousand soldiers, Achilles thought, but the war will be won by Patroclus and I.

Patroclus didn't join him for the raids around Troy. He chose to stay behind at camp to help the healers. Achilles knew that Patroclus wasn't weak by any measure, he knew that he had also taken the Oath of Tyndareus but he was baffled by the notion of Patroclus not wanting glory, not wanting honor.

When Achilles brought Briseis to their tent Patroclus hadn't said anything. He treated her as he would treat a friend and not a spoil of war. Achilles had like Briseis, he had brought her here to spite Agamemnon but he still had liked her, but she could not be compared to the man who held his heart.

When the war began, Achilles saw a part of Patroclus that he hadn't seen before. A chilling, brutal and a cruel part of him. Patroclus fought like that was his last fight, he killed mercilessly and terrifyingly. Achilles had fought all his fights knowing that he would win, Patroclus fought all his fights like he was afraid that he would die. Achilles did not understand how he could miss this side of his Patroclus, he had mistaken his silence and withdrawal as cowardness when it simply had been preservation. Patroclus had been more deadly in battle than Achilles.

When Agamemnon disrespected him, he withdraws from battle, knowing that without him they can't win and without him Patroclus wouldn't fight. He was content with watching men burn, he didn't care whether they were Greeks or Trojans. He knew that in the end, after Agamemnon has fallen, after Hector has fallen, him and Patroclus would rule everything.

Men come and plead with him, soldiers who are less and great alike. Odysseus pleads for his intervention so that the war would end and he can go to his wife, Diomedes does not want to watch his men getting slaughtered, Nestor wants too see his country before he dies, Menelaus apologizes in the place of Agamemnon and many more come to his tent but he turns them all away.

Patroclus is the last one to plead. He pleads him to join the fight and Achilles is so stunned. Patroclus never spoke against him or his wishes. When Patroclus told that he was wrong, when Patroclus was pulling him back it meant that he was in the wrong. That he was at fault. Achilles didn't want to admit this, instead he tells Patroclus that perhaps he should fight without him. They don't touch or speak with each other throughout the night.

The next evening there was screaming, violent screams. The Trojans had a son of Zeus beside them! Prince Hector was leading the charge with the son of Zeus! They are trying to break into the camp! The news stuns Achilles but it alarms Patroclus. He pleads him again, not for him to join the fight but to send him instead. Achilles puts his armour and gives him his sword. Come back, he tells him, come back to me. When the Greeks see Achilles's golden armour shining through the night, they rejoice knowing that they will win now. Messengers run to the camp at varied times, he didn't wish to watch the fight, knowing that he might be tempted to join. He hears their whispers, Achilles has killed the son of Zeus, Achilles has driven away the Trojans from the camp, Achilles is pursuing Prince Hector. After the last one, the whispers stop. Achilles could hear the faint cries of battle beyond the camp.

When the cries stop, Achilles wonders why he doesn't hear the cry of victory and joy. At dawn the soldiers arrive, Agamemnon is the first to enter his tent and before he could tell him to leave Odysseus, Nestor and Diomedes enter and Menelaus enters last. The gently set down a body they had been carrying, Achilles thinks that Agamemnon has killed Briseis and before he can lash out at him, he hears Menelaus say, he fought well. He. It was Patroclus.

Achilles uncovers the shroud. He looks at them and wishes for their death. They leave silently. Achilles washes him, puts him on their bed and slides in next to him. Like this he pretends that they are back in Chiron's camp and that Patroclus is sleeping like the dead because of the hard training they had endured.

And he dreams, oh Gods, he dreams. He dreams of Patroclus, he dreams of his touch, his smile, his kindness. Those dreams leave his body aching in the morning. He goes in and out of consciousness. He dreams of Patroclus dying, he dreams of Hector striking him and finally, he dreams that he is the one who kills Patroclus.

He kills Hector the next day. They fight all day long and Hector runs from him in the hopes of meeting his son for the last time. A river God rose to protect Hector but Achilles's rage is so overwhelming that he defeats the God. The winds murmur, he can hear what they are saying. He has defeated a God! He will kill all Trojans. The war mustn't end this soon! He drags Hector's body around Troy. To show them that this was their Prince but now another dead body. He knows he is angering the Gods further but Achilles doesn't care. What was victory without Patroclus beside him?

The stench of Patroclus fills the tent but he still sleeps there, on their bed. His dreams will either be of their times together or it will be Achilles killing him. He realizes one day- after a horrid dream where Patroclus curses him for his death, although he knows that Patroclus would never do that, he still wishes that he had- Patroclus did die because of him. Not only because of his pride but because Patroclus had no reason in the first place to be here, Patroclus had been a prince when he had taken the Oath of Tyndareus but he hadn't been a prince now. He hadn't had any reason to go to Chiron as well. He had simply followed Achilles wherever he had gone. Achilles did kill him. That thought breaks Achilles beyond repair.

He dreams again, this time he is in their tent and Patroclus walks in and kneels before him. Patroclus places his hand on his cheek and Achilles leans into his touch. You have to let me go, Patroclus says, let me go, Achilles.

No, Achilles clutches his arm, you said you would come back.

Patroclus smiles at him. The smile is clear and beautiful, unlike his previous blurry dreams. Achilles, he calls his name, you have to let me go.

Achilles washes Patroclus again and sets a funeral pyre for him. Whole of the Greek army attends to pay their respects. Patroclus, he says his name like a prayer, the best of Greeks, the best part of me.

After that Achilles fights aimlessly, he doesn't fight to win but he doesn't lose either. Achilles sees Apollo next to Prince Paris- Hector's brother and the man who started this war- Apollo's smile is sick and frightening but Achilles wasn't frightened. To him it was warm and welcoming since it held the promise of death. Paris set his arrow loose while Apollo carried it. Right in his heel. Right where his body is weak. He falls and closes his eyes.

He doesn't care about the Trojans or the Greeks or winning. It had only mattered to him when Patroclus was at his side. Patroclus had followed him all his life, it was time for Achilles to follow him to death. Patroclus smiles at him when he sees him. Patroclus, he says, I missed you and I'm here.