Hmm.. Not Sure How To Write This Without Worrying Anybody.. [or Even If I Should Write About It At All.]

Hmm.. not sure how to write this without worrying anybody.. [or even if I should write about it at all.]

Had a lot of suicidal thoughts today. No triggers, impulses or mental breakdowns.. just this clear desire to be done with life. I don't plan to act on it, so please don't worry.

But I've been here before, and I know you don't always get the benefit of a rational mind in these moments.. So I'm making this into an opportunity for a friendly reminder to anyone out there struggling with suicidal thoughts or their mental health in general:

If it would help you in any way to talk to someone, you're always welcome to send me a DM. You'll never ever bother me by reaching out about anything. I can promise you that. You are not alone.

[And if it has gotten to this point and you still haven't reached out to mental health proffessionals, now really is the time.]

Take care of yourselves and stay safe 🖤

Gonna include a link to International Suicide Hotlines: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

I feed them a piece of chocolate

They give me the biggest smile ever while reaching over and scratching my chin..

*dead*

I really wish I had better ways [any way really] to regulate my emotions in a healthy way.. Feel like I have very little control over the fluctuations in my mood and I'm kinda just being dragged around by the current.

It makes me destructive in ways I do not wish to be. It's also fucking painful cause the degree of whatever I'm feeling is most often unbearably intense and honestly way more excessive than the situation calls for.. [I'm always aware of this, but that doesn't really change anything.]

The only coping skill I feel I can really use in these moments is just removing myself from people/the situation. If I can't interact with anyone I can't fuck things up either..

I would really love to have ways to effectively ease the emotional distress tho.. Nowadays I'm just trying to control my breathing and focus on not giving into impulses until the worst has passed.. I know I can't trust my thoughts or reasoning in these moments and that I'll be way more rational once I manage to calm down..

Today's anthem:

You're Dead - Norma Tanega

Me: I will become a fucking social butterfly.. I'm gonna hang out with everyone I know on a daily basis from now on.

Me after socializing for 6h straight: Really don't feel like talking to another human being for a good 3 weeks..

How I brush my hair:

I jab at it with a hairbrush and whatever doesn't detangle dies a violent death..