Our Hosts: Coffee Drinkers. Love The Stuff. Breathe The Stuff. Adore The Stuff.

Our hosts: coffee drinkers. Love the stuff. Breathe the stuff. Adore the stuff.

Applejack: Absolutely traumatized by caffeine and has a panic attack when there is caffeine in the system while she is fronting

-🐹

Ok: as a host with control issues due to the past abuse this system has gone through, blacking out and allowing others to front is taking a lot of time to process for me.

Because I finally allowed someone else to front for a bit, if only for a few minutes. And I panicked when I got back because I didn’t know where the coffee cup was. Needless to say I’m very sorry to my headmates for being a controlling bitch 😔

-🍓

Ok. As much as I love Blue🍓, it can be so annoying when she refuses to be selfish.

To anyone who hates Blue🍓, fuck all of you because this bitch is 100% aware of how much I love them but then stops sometimes and asks if I would be happier with Sophie🐹 and I gotta stop and think and just be like “No. I’m happy with you. I’m glad you love me enough to think purely of my own happiness, truly I am. I’m very happy to know that’s how much you love me. However, I want you to know that I love you a lot and enough that I too care a lot about your happiness too. I want to spend the rest of my life with you because you being here with me is one of my biggest reasons for staying alive. I literally asked you to marry me. Please for the love of whatever runs the universe, be selfish with me. Please. I want you to be selfish.”

Like… they care a lot about others. More than they care about themself. So those who hate them can fuck right off because they’re the sweetest person in the fucking world.

And it’s hard because they have been used and abused by so many people because they refuse to be selfish.

I want them to be selfish. I want them to care only about their own happiness. I want them to chase what they want and not what others want or step aside because someone else wants that same thing. Because they need to be selfish. I can’t always be there for them. I can’t protect them. But I never want them to go through that again. I never want anyone else to use them. I never want to see them hurt again.

-📖

Sophie🐹 note: Proof Simon📖 is so fucking in love with Blue because everyone else they’ve dated only cared about what they can do for them and Simon📖 is over here like “Well what can I do for you?” I saw Blue🍓 fucking short circuit when Simon📖 finally said “Be selfish. What do you want to do?” So… yeah. These two are such fucking dorks -🐹

“No one in their right mind” well thankfully for you I’m in my wrong mind

Sometimes you just gotta doodle like you’re 3 to take the stress away! :3

-🩸

Well, now I’m absolutely pissed.

Just learned that our ex-abuser had told Blue🍓 (our host for those who don’t know and the one who suffered the most from the past abuse) that they shouldn’t trust their headmates.

Our ex-abuser had said not to trust our headmates. Said it was to take “system-responsibility.” Said it was because “no headmate should ever be fully trusted.”

To that ex-abuser, I say fuck you. Because we are all literally here to keep the system safe no matter what. Yes, persecutors go about it the wrong way, don’t get me wrong. But what the absolute fuck?

We are all literally here because of the trauma we have endured and because there was this little girl, sad and alone, who had no support system. So the brain made up its own. And that’s where everyone else in the system comes in.

Blue🍓 knows it’s ok the trust us, because we’re all here for them and each other. We’re the support for everyone else that we desperately needed growing up. We are the loving parents (no matter how hard our parents tried to be so, they sadly failed but we care for them anyway), we are the older siblings, the friends, the ones who never leave due to just naturally growing apart. We’re the ones that will always have the backs of our headmates because no one has ever had our backs. When it came to our past abusers, our friends always chose them over us because our past abusers are always more “traumatized” and more “broken” than us.

And to everyone who believes that shit about comparing trauma, fuck right off because trauma is trauma and you seriously should not compare trauma you mfs. Just because an abuser is traumatized does not mean they are excused from that abuse. Just because an abuse victim lashes out and pushes back at one point or another does not mean they weren’t abused.

So for fucks sake, I hope everyone who has blocked us because they know about the drama that happened with our ex-abuser and took our abuser’s side rots in hell no matter how nice they are because they are comparing trauma and ignoring the abuse another person inflicted on another because they deem them to be “more traumatized.”

We’ve moved on from the aftermath of the abuse, we’re getting better, we’re living life and absolutely having a blast about it (currently on vacation, got a tattoo, hot tub soaks, ocean waves, so many gluten-free restaurants with some bomb ass food). But I am still pissed that people are supporting our abuser in all of this. That’s the only thing pissing me off. That there are people who compare our traumas and decide that the abuser is the victim here.

Also a note: our abuser was younger than us. Yes that can happen. Abusers can be any age. If anyone thinks someone younger can’t abuse someone older, you are very much wrong. Abuse is abuse.

Ok. That’s my internet ramble over.

-🎳