Swallowing Pills Just To Feel Something

Swallowing pills just to feel something

Smoking cigs so the hunger goes away

Or it fills my brain with fog

I still don’t know the answer

I wonder what will happen

I wonder if I’ll make it out alive

Feeling something it’s a strange sentiment

Cause all my life I’ve been deprived of it

I wonder what will happen to my mother and my father

I wonder if the voice in my head will get louder

I wonder what’s going on in my girlfriend’s mind

When she sees that I left behind

All the good things I ever had in my life.

I pray for their safety and their health

I pray that they’ll find a good therapist

To yell their problems at

Cause I’m all done with that

I pray that they have all the money they want

So they can finally have their own house

I pray my girlfriend will move

And live happy far away from the hell hole she calls home

And I wish the best for all my friends

Even if I don’t call them

And I’m sorry I’ve been a bad person

And sometimes I never listened

To their problems or advice

When they wished me a good life

I hope that my grave will have some flowers

That will blossom in the spring

And the trees around my new home

Will have little birds who sing

To the people who will visit

And will wish me one good thing

“Have a restful sleep my dear”.

“She desperately sought closeness, but when someone came too close, she ran.”

You’re never going to escape the things you’re scared of

You’re never going to enjoy the things you fear

The imprisonment of your pleasures takes hold of your actions

And you’re terrified of entertainers

Yet you use them constantly as an oppressor to your feelings

Accumulated by your own views about yourself

Thoughts pour in and out of your head

And into your actions

Your own words are hurting you

Your own moves are tangling you in

You put those chains on yourself and you threw the key away into abyss

Same liaisons are haunting you forever

Every word you say and every time you decide to do anything

You’re haunted

Ghosts of the past are in your dreams

And you wake up afraid they might be real

Your thoughts materializes them

And hold you by the hand

Carrying you into the future they want you to have

Because without them you’re nothing and you’re afraid of being alone

The singers of your agony will chant the song of death in your ear

The carriers of your casket will carry you through forests of wild animals that will eat your flesh

Fear of being haunted or hunted

My thoughts turn into animals

Feral beasts

Running to have me

To gobble up some organs

Of this body that has had enough

That wants to return to the shore

I’m done of swimming in deep waters

thoughts from when I ran away

It’s too much. The walls that are not there I feel they are closing in. The air is not there anymore. I can’t breathe and I have to find a way out. Actually, I don’t want to go out and that’s the problem. Being out for too long makes my body ache and my bones shake and my heart throb. I get dizzy and annoyed and I want to go home to throw up. I hate moving to another place. I hate switching car seats, I hate seeing the landscape move and I dread long distance trips. I want to go back home.

She is partying every night

But parts of herself are kept locked real tight

She seems to enjoy her life and she has a great job

Sounds like she works very hard

But she is tired every night

And when she gets home she pulls out all of her masks

Getting ready for tomorrow

What she shall be will remain a mystery

Dirty lady with a dirty mind

Clean woman with the money in the bag

Her power suit is starved and coffee black

And her brain is all fried up

Putting sleeping pills in her diet konjac

Sipping on her no calories pop cola from her stack

And when you open the closet you don’t really know who lives there

Cause the clothing sizes are all different

And her shoes are kept real nice

Probably the most important things she cares about

She opens a book but she can’t read

Cause her trembling hands can’t get a grip

She walks out the door in the morning

With a smile as big as the sun

And her teeth are hurting from last night

Cause puking so much gets you real fucked up

Her cigarettes keep her warm

And they help with stomach pains

Some prescription, don’t you say?

And she meets all the people she hates

And she puts on a smile for the pictures

Every break from this life

Takes her to another dimension

Where everybody is looking at her new silhouette

And going back to reality hurts cause she is not what she expects

Every day is the same shit

Where she waits for the pounds to drip

She is powerful and she herself is power

Cause nobody knows that she hasn’t eaten anything in more than 24 hours

She likes her friend

It’s been with her for a while

She finds comfort and understanding

But she is still alone

And that fits better with her program

Cause who would love an empty soul

Whose desire is to get more empty?

Steps

I’m not reasonable anymore maybe because I feel I have no reasons to stay alive I make all of my decisions in a trance like state and they suddenly become mistakes I hurry things and I want them fast I go about things with the speed of light And I feel like they somehow blind me My head is messy and I lost any rational thinking I’m not able to see things the way they are I’m wearing a…

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