So You Know How Tf2 Takes Place In New Mexico? Well Im An Animal Lover, And I Know That There Are Tons

So you know how Tf2 takes place in New Mexico? Well I’m an animal lover, and I know that there are tons of fantastic creatures there and I’m sure there are a bunch of them they would 100% be hanging around the nooks and crannies of RED team’s base. So I present to Ye:

Scenarios about how our beloved mercs and an animal-loving reader handle an encounter with New Mexico’s amazing fauna. 

Part 1 here!

Part 2: Defense

Demoman and the Swallowtail Butterflies 

It was mid morning during a ceasefire and all of the mercs were valuing their time away from the battlefield to the best of their abilities, and of course, Demo was last seen with two bottles of his beloved scrumpy as he headed outside to most likely, get drunk and pass out.

Two hours later, the heat was getting a bit too intense for anyone to be outside for too long, drunk or not. 

You decided it was best to try and find the team’s bomb expert before he burnt to a crisp. Grabbing a glass of cold, ice water and a wet towel just in case, you headed outside.

After a good fifteen minutes of searching around the base, you heard a familiar sound of snoring from the corner of a building. 

However, when you got there, the sight you saw made you let out a giggle.

A passed out Demoman covered in Swallowtail butterflies. 

They must’ve smelled the his sweat and decided it was a good place to rest. All of them resting on his face and hands, opening and closing their wings every once in a while. 

Although, as cute as this was, you did need to wake him up.

“Demo, Hey Demoman, can you hear me?”

You raised your voice a bit, hoping not to startle the small insects.

“DEMOMAN!”

“Uuuuaugggg Whah? What te hell?”

As he stirred awake, some of the butterflies startled a bit and then gently fluttered back on to his face, not seeming to care that their rest stop had woken up. 

Demo froze, you could tell he wasn’t exactly sure what to do in the situation he found himself in.

“ah, um what te…what in te *hic* is happenin”

“uh, heh, I think you fell asleep and your new friends decided to have a pit stop”

“Aaaye” Demo carefully lifts a scarred hand, trying not to scare the swallowtails. 

After stirring a bit, one flies up to rest on his palm.

“Ahhh ffeel like a bloody princess”

You gave a light chuckle, but then you remembered why you came out here in the first place. 

“Hey Demo, it’s getting a little bit too hot out here, we can’t have our Demolitions Expert die from heat exhaustion”

“mm, I suppose you’re right, I deserve to die in a blaze o’ glory don’t I?”

“Damn right” 

You hold out a hand that Demo took, and with one good hoist, the butterflies fluttered of Demo as he stood up, the both of you mesmerized as they fluttered around and up into the sky.

“you ok? You’ve been been out here for a while”

“Aye, dunne worry, I’ve handled worse, by te wae, what were those butterflies?”

“Swallowtails, you can tell by the extra long bits on the ends of their wings, I’m assuming you’re sweat attracted the swarm”

“mah sweat? I thought they onleh ate flowers.”

“nope, sweat, tears and even blood is on the menu for them”

“wot? Tha is bloody brilliant”

“I know right?”

Once you two where inside, you both sigh in unison as the air conditioner hits your skin.

Heavy and the Javelina 

It was late in the afternoon at the base, RED triumphed over BLU, as usual. Despite that, the men never got tired of celebrating their victories, and still drank and shouted to commemorate their win.

Although they can get a little too loud sometimes, so you decided to hangout outside to enjoy the silence and the cool night air. 

After a while, footsteps alerted to you to someone else approaching. 

You turned to be greeted by the heavy weapons man himself. He carried a plate with sandviches piled on top.

“Oh, hey Heavy! Come to relax in the night air too?”

“Da, is too noisy for Heavy’s liking, I sit outside to eat”

“Yeah, guess everybody needs a break from the chaos huh?”

He hummed in agreement as he ate his dinner next to you in relative silence.

Until a squealing noise caused both of you to lift up your heads in confusion

“What was noise?”

“I’m actually not quite sure” 

“It sounds like pig, but no pigs here, right?”

“Huh, you actually might be on to something Heavy” your head scans the area for any movement.

You turn to see him get up from his seat, walk over a few feet, and bend over a shaded area. 

“Heavy has found hairy pig”

“Hairy pig? Wait, What?”

“Hairy pig”

His huge hand ventures under the shade and pulls out a small, squirming, pig-like creature.

“No way! It’s a baby javelina!”

He looks at you with slight confusion as he looks at the grunting baby quizzically.

“Is baby? Where is mother?”

“It must’ve gotten separated from its group, I’m sure we can still find them”

You looked around, wondering if the family could still be nearby.

 As if to answer your question, you found a group of six javelinas, all gorging themselves on the sandviches heavy left behind.

“Ah, there is mother, and rest of family” 

Heavy bends over and lets the squealing baby skitter over to its family.

“Leetle baby may eat with family. Heavy can always make more sandvich”

You and Heavy stood and watched the family eat in relative silence, being careful not to disturb them. Eventually, the family left and walked off. 

After a while, you two found yourselves sitting back where you were.

“You know what hairy pigs were, yes?” 

“Uh, yeah! Javelinas”

“Hm, tell Heavy more about Javelinas”

“Oh, okay! Well, did you know that baby javelinas are called “reds” 

due to the reddish coloration of their fur? They use that to hide from predators looking for an easy meal”

Heavy’s eyes widen. 

“What predators?”

“Oh tons” you counted on your fingers “pumas, bobcats, coyotes, and even desert hawks will try and snatch a baby if their lucky”

“Hm, very dangerous for hairy pigs, yes?” 

“Oh yeah, but don’t think their helpless, they can run up to 35 miles per hour and if that doesn’t work, they have tusks and inch long they can use to clack to together to make threatening sounds or lacerate an imposing threat”

“Hm, leetle pigs know how to survive, Heavy respects that”

You continue talking into the night until you part your ways to head to bed. 

However Heavy will always remember that night where he met the family of hairy pigs.

Engineer and the Armadillo 

It was a calm morning during a ceasefire and today your body decided to get up earlier than usual.

4 AM to be exact (thanks internal clock). 

Knowing that there was no point in going back to sleep, you decided to bring a cup of coffee and some apple slices to your favorite Texan.

You already had a gut feeling that he wouldn’t be in his quarters, so you headed for the garage. 

After giving a quick knock, you heard clattering and a groggy voice respond.

“Ah, innna’ minute!” 

You internally cringed when when he opened the door.

He had bags under his eyes and motor oil and a mix of other gunk was evenly distributed across his entire body. 

In short, he looked like a total mess.

“Hey Engie, pulled another all-nighter ey?”

He gave an exhausted sigh but then lightly chuckled.

“Heh, ya know it, but ahm’ not sure if I should be happy or a lil’ upset that you’re startin’ ta figure out mah’ unhealthy habits”

He turns to the side, letting you in.

“Either way ahm’ impressed”

“Aw shucks Engie, you’re to kind”

You gave a joking swat at his comment but then set down the fruit and coffee.

“I hope I remembered what you liked in your coffee”

You see the slight widening of his smile as you offered him the caffeinated beverage.

He took it and gave it a few chugs, much to your surprise.

“Ah, perfect way to start ma’ mornin!”

You gave a laugh as he continued to chug the drink, gazing at the cluttered up garage.

Bits of machinery were thrown about everywhere, most of it being deconstructed sentries.

“So, whatcha ya been working on?”

Engineer looked around at the parts, using his non-gloved hand to munch on an apple slice.

“Eh, been tinkerin’ mostly, trying to boost efficiency and practicality”

He strolls over to one of his blueprints, eying it like it just insulted his mother.

“But as per usual, nothin’ but dead ends and another sleepless night”

Your next sympathetic words were cut off when the sound of a falling pile of metal stole both your attentions. 

“Dammit, ah just sorted those!”

The angry hard hat stormed over to the pile, ready to cuss it out, but he suddenly froze.

“Engie? You ok?”

“How the hell did ya get in here?”

You walked over to him and saw what he was talking to, and was met with an odd discovery.

A Nine-Banded armadillo huddled in a corner.

“Ah! Engie you have a friend!”

He let out a hearty laugh and put his hands on his hips.

“That ah do! But, he’s the last thing ah want in mah garage”

He went moved to pick it up but you quickly stopped him.

“Wait! Nine-banded armadillo are known to carry leprosy! It’s best to do it with both your hand gloved!”

“Ah, right, beats gettin’ a trip to Medic’s”

He hastily rummaged around for another glove as you grabbed the apple slices that were left.

When he came back, he used his now, fully gloved, hands to hurriedly wrangle and grab the armored visitor.

“There we go ya lil’ stinker! Huh, must’ve got in when ah left the garage door open for some air”

As he held it out by the rim of its shell, you got a better look at the calmed beast.

“Wow, it’s beautiful! I’ve never seen one this close…”

Engineer gave a light grin as you fawned over the armadillo and he gently rubbed its shell.

“Heh, I remember these guys from back home. Saw em’ all over Texas but never really looked into em’”

Your eyes lit up at this.

“Of course! They’re all over Texas and in the southern half of the country, but they can be found as far north as the Missouri and Iowa state line!”

You offered the Armadillo an apple slice and it began to nibble the fruit.

“Well ah’ll be darned! You do know a lot about your critters.”

You continued to state little facts about the animal as he walked it outside and far enough away so it won’t get the idea of coming back.   

“Did you know that they can swim and hold their breath for six minutes? Oh! And that sum guy tried to shoot one but its armor managed to ricochet the bullet into its face?!”

All the while, Engie was beaming like the morning sun.

Not only did you make his all nighter seem worth it, but it also helped him get some new ideas for his machines. 

***

Ah! This turned out so well! Sorry it took awhile! Should I do part 3?

Me when I realize my favorite fictional characters are indeed, fictional and I will never get to talk or interact with them ever in real life.

Some groovy art.

So you know how Tf2 takes place in New Mexico? Well I’m an animal lover, and I know that there are tons of fantastic creatures there and I’m sure there are a bunch of them they would 100% be hanging around the nooks and crannies of RED team’s base. So I present to Ye:

Scenarios about our beloved mercs and an animal-loving reader handle an encounter with New Mexico’s amazing fauna. 

Part 1: Offense

Scout and the Roadrunner

It was one of those moments where it was somewhat peaceful outside the base for once(this being only a little shouting and an explosion every hour or so) and you where just sitting outside with Scout as he snacked on a bucket of chicken and talked your ear off with anything that came to his mind, all of which you pleasantly listened to. Then, a blur of brown whizzed by the both of you. You bolded up in your seat as Scout looked at you quizzically

“ey, is somethin’ wrong toots? I know my story was great n’ all but I didn’t think it was that excitin’”

You put a finger to his mouth as you pointed to where you saw the blur dashed to, and after a few seconds, a small bird patters into view.

“Holy shit Scout check it out! It’s a roadrunner!”

You whisper-shouted. He gave a puzzled look and then gave the small bird an eyebrow raise

“uh, huh, whazat s’posed ta mean?”

He tried to look like he knew what that was but he did a very terrible job of doing so. You excitedly told him about the little bird as it scampered around the dirt,

“it’s literally a badass Scout, it nests in cacti to protect it’s babies, can run up to 26 miles per hour, and it can kill and eat snakes like it’s nothing!”

He just stared at you as you in amazement as you continue on telling little facts about the tiny bird, until you both froze as it started to ease over to Scout. You told him to not freak out as he was looking a bit intimidated, until the bird plucked a chunk of chicken from his bucket and bolted.

“HEY!” Scout yelled as he jumped up and started sprinting after the roadrunner,

“Unfair! that’s my chicken ya dumb bird! Not yours!”

At this point you were clutching your stomach and laughing as you watched a grown ass man chase after a two foot bird around in circles in the dust.

Soldier and (somehow)the Porcupine

As per usual, Soldiers booming, patriotic, voice was rattling the hallways of the base, so to try and spare some of the other men some peace for a while, you offered to take one for the team, and offer to listen to his “speeches” outside so his voice could be “heard across America more efficiently”.

……….Speech number, what? 19? You couldn’t remember. It felt like you were listening to this man talking about everything striped and star spangled for hours. Until a rustling was heard in the distance. Soldier neck almost snapped in half as he turned to face you,

“WHAT WAS THAT MAGGOT?”

You could just see his eyes under his helmet as they darted every which way. “Uh, I’m not sure, maybe it’s-”

You didn’t get a chance to finish as Soldier sprinted towards the detection of the noise.

“ALRIGHT THEN! SHOW YOURSELF YOU DIRTY BLUE FRENCHIE! I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!”

You ran after him and did your best to keep up, trying to tell him that this wasn’t the best idea, but by the time you caught up to him, he was crouched, face first, in a shrub.

“Soldier! what the hell are you doing! You- oh no..”

Out of the bush came an American porcupine, chittering and squeaking as it bolted in the opposite direction. You didn’t even want to know what happened, but you asked anyway.

“uh, Soldier? You ok?”

He shot up, back facing you,

“CADET, I HAVE CONCLUDED. THAT THAT WAS SOMEHOW, NOT A SPY!”

He turned around, the bottom half of his face was covered in quills. You gasped and put your hand over your mouth.

“oh god, what did you do?”

He very vividly describes how he was fearlessly defending the base from the intruder as you dragged him down to Medic’s office. “SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT WASN'T A SPY?”

“No, it was an American Porcupine”

“SO THAT PORCUPINE WAS AN AMERICAN?”

“Yes, yes he was, and he was surprised that a fellow American attacked him”

“WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF HE WASN'T A COMMUNIST PORCUPINE?”

“um,”

The conversation carried on back and forth until you reached Medic’s office, and you could say he was a tad bit shocked at Soldiers face, but then he handed you a pair of tweezers and some disinfecting ointment and pushed you two out of his office saying he was busy(most likely to do with a new supply of organs). So you spent the next two hours plucking quills from Soldier’s face as you told him more about porcupines.

“They are the largest rodents in America, and they have poor eyesight so they mostly rely on hearing and smell”

“OW, THEY DON’T SEEM VERY AMERICAN, OW, OTHER THAN THEIR OW, ADVANCED WEAPONRY, THEY OW, SEEM VERY OW, WIMPY TO ME OW,”

“yeah, they would be in more danger if they didn’t have their quills, hey, did you know the reason why it hurts so much to take out is because there’re barbed?”

When finally, all of the quills were removed, you had to forcefully smother his face in the ointment and put bandages on the nastiest cuts. Afterwards, you sent him off and flopped down on the sofa and let out a sigh. This will be quite a story for later.

Pyro and the Desert Centipede

Engineer was working in the garage one evening and you offered to come and keep Pyro company while he worked to make sure nothing was set ablaze. Safe to say you didn’t really understand how Pyro’s funny little brain worked, nor their mumbled speech, but you still treated them like the rest of the mercs and did your best to understand what they say.

You were looking up at the sky while Pyro played with matches and drew little doodles in the dust, until they got up and mumbled a few little words and crouched down near a rock. You got up to see what they were doing when they very forcefully took hold of something with their gloved hand.

“Hey buddy, what do you got there- OH HOLY FUCK”

You jumped back as he turned around and held a squirming centipede right up to your face and cocked their head.

“Hudda hu?”

They sounded as if they were asking what it was. They knew you liked animals, they saw you draw them and talk about them all the time, so if anyone knew what this was, it was you.

“Oh, y-you wanna know what that is?”

After calming yourself down, you sat next to him.

“Mph!”

They nodded a yes as the centipede did its best to try and bite the pyromaniac, but their thick gloves prevented its jaws from ever piercing skin.

“well, uh, you should probably hold it more at the back of the head then holding on to its mid-section”

They looked at their hand and repositioned it so the centipede was curling somewhat comfortably around the glove.

“yeah just like that! Good job!”

They let out a noise of pride and settled down as you bestowed upon them some epic centipede knowledge.

“These dudes are the largest centipedes in North America, and can reach up to 8 inches in the wild, they’re called centipedes because of their one hundred legs, but they actually can have less or even more than that!”

“Hrmpf Hudda Mpf!”

Pyro excitedly listens to every word you say, eagerly waiting for more.

“Not many centipedes are dangerous to humans, but that one is one of the only few that can harm humans. Their venom isn’t fatal to non allergenic people, but they can certainly give you a nasty nip if provoked”

You continued info dumping as Pyro eagerly listened on until Engie decided it was probably time for them to head back inside. Pyro let out a small mumble-complaint but eventually with enough convincing, they let the centipede scuttle back under the rock where they found it.

Now, every once in a while, you and Pyro will sit out side and look for centipedes under the night sky.

Until you needed to go back inside.

“Pyro, what’s in your pocket?”

*several centipedes fall out*

***

Let me know if you guys would like a part 2!

Update: HEY HEY! Part 2 here!