My Little Nefew: What Happened To Your Arm?

My little nefew: What happened to your arm?

Me: Well you see, when a car and a tree love each other very much...

Y'all think vampires get addicted to certain blood types the way we do certain foods and drugs? Like imagine a vampire tweaking because he didn't get his type-O fix that week.

Bedbugs are great because for the eight or so years of your life, you are told these things exist by your parents, then as an older kid, you think they don't exist because you think that statement "Don't Let the bed bugs bite" was just something people said, but THEN, you come to learn that they ARE real and you gaslit yourself into thinking they weren't based on the premise you were smart enough to decipher a metaphor. And then as soon as you finally learn they're real, you have an encounter with them because irony is a bitch.

This pain chart in the hospital where I was taken after my car accident is the funniest thing I've ever seen in a hospital

#1 looks like he's been having a nice day

#2 looks like he's being held at gunpoint and forced to smile

#3 looks like he's having flashbacks to the war

#4 looks like he's had the worst week of his life

#5 looks like he's 6 beers deep into a 10-hour binge drinking session and was just cut off by the second bartender of the night

And #6 looks like he's about to have a mental breakdown

hey i'm free later if you wanna go insane together or something

Yeah sanity is cool but have you ever stared into the abyss? Have you ever gotten so fucked up that you feel your body turning into pixels and see yourself as turning into an 8-bit video game character? Have you ever gotten so stupid high you thought I'd you took off a headband it would stain your forehead? Have you ever thought you were in your own house and called for your dog cause you wanted to snuggle when in reality you were on the subway?