Since Covid, Ive Been In Conversations Where My Mind Has Just Gone Blank.What Have You Been Up To?How

Since covid, I’ve been in conversations where my mind has just gone blank.  “What have you been up to?”  “How have you been?”  

It’s back to “I have no idea.  I exist, I guess.”  If only I could actually say that.

a mess

If you're struggling to find a reason to stay here, try spite. Be a cockroach.

My current plan to recover from my mental and emotional existence is to just go so deep into being insane that I’ll come out sane on the other side. Being a chronic people pleaser plagued with impostor syndrome stretched me too thin, and that leash simply snapped and I am now a completely untethered, unapologetic vermin.

Fuck having impostor syndrome, if I’m not entitled to be here they should’ve barred the doors better. If I’m doing everything wrong because of imaginary rules that nobody told me about, that’s their problem, you should have made your confusing system more idiot-proof.

I’m not here to please everyone and do everything right. I’m here to make bad art, chew on furniture, make people laugh, cook awful food and look at pretty landscapes, and piss off the people who don’t want me to exist. If I have an unseen infinite debt somewhere that I can never pay back, I’m going to keep running that tab until I die. I’m alive purely because the universe is shit at pest control.

!!! 🤎

Hi.

I feel the need to reiterate that trans women are women.  If you’re using my trauma as a means to justify or illustrate a point counter to this, fuck off.  Go be a fool somewhere else, far, far away from me.

Thanks.

Thinking about this one again today.

I'm certain he has someone.

I wonder how much he uses his time with me to torture her.

I bet he’s always suspicious and checking her phone, and tells her he can’t help that he can’t trust; his ex was such a whore.

I bet he screams and throws things at her when she brings up something he does that hurts or bothers her. He’s sorry, but he can’t help it; his ex was a bitch and she just said something like his ex would say.

I bet he calls her as stupid as his ex when she forgets something.

I bet he’s hit her when something is out of place. His ex couldn’t be trusted to be responsible or keep house properly, and he doesn’t want to live with a pig again.

On the other hand, I’m sure he’s told her that he was practically addicted to sex with his ex. It would just be a coincidence that he’d bring these things up when she’s not in the mood or doesn’t want to do a specific sex act.

I’m sure he’s mentioned that his ex made great food when she’s burned dinner or made something he didn’t like. Or worse, when she didn’t feel like cooking.

I’m sure that he’s mentioned how dutiful his ex was with the housework when she wants to go do something fun or socialize.

I’m sure his ex’s agreeableness (code for: door mat) has come up when she’s feeling vulnerable and jealous about the strippers and other women he flirts with.

I’m sure I, his ex, am a very useful manipulation tool.

My plans changed bc I met my partner, and I've no regrets because she and our life together are amazing

But what a peaceful life this would have been if I 'had to' be on my own.

Living Alone by Yaoyao Ma Van As.