Spousal Abuse - Tumblr Posts
I just tested positive for covid on Tuesday. I'm quadruple vaxxed, with a decent immune system, so I'm rapidly on the mend. But, objectively, it has sucked.
You know what hasn't sucked? Sharing a home with someone who cares for me and wants me to get better. And living with someone like that may never cease to amaze me.
My plans changed bc I met my partner, and I've no regrets because she and our life together are amazing
But what a peaceful life this would have been if I 'had to' be on my own.
Living Alone by Yaoyao Ma Van As.
A question for the abuse survivors, did you lose the ability to recognize when you're happy? I feel like someone took an eraser to my amygdala.
Did you get yours back?
The self-loathing bits of my brain are so mad at you right now, OP.
if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now
My partner is brushing her teeth before bed and clearly watching something very funny because all I can hear is her giggling from the other room.
My heart is so full and I'm crying.
I couldn't have imagined such a simple pleasant home some years ago.
trauma tells you being happy is wrong. your body rejects it because it’s unfamiliar, it’s something you have felt out of touch with for a long time. so just know that this is where the self-sabotage begins but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. it’ll just take time to get used to it again, to fully enjoy it and remind yourself you don’t deserve to put yourself through painful situations.
Trauma symptom: rushing in the bathroom.
It's been a while since I've had jarring ptsd symptoms, but yesterday I did get a feeling while I was using the restroom : Hurry! Before he realizes you're in here!
I've learned to get myself through these, so I'm fine. But oof.
You hit a certain point in the healing process where these memories scandalize and enrage you.
It's progress.
Being sick is an excuse: Episode 5.
Once I had a bronchial infection and I was coughing terribly. I couldn't sleep, my head was always pounding, and I wasn't eating much.
He insisted we have sex. I was literally having coughing fits as it happened. When he finished he said "Well that wasn't much fun" and then sent me to sleep on the couch so I wouldn't infect him.
Can you imagine?
October is the start of past trauma season for me.
I dropped the ball on pumpkins this year, so I missed out on the catharsis. I am feeling drained because of work, but I don't feel the usual nonsense. Not yet, anyway.
I've been out from under his thumb for 6 years as of almost 2 weeks ago. He ruined my sense of self and nearly killed me.
But I'm still here. And while I'll probably always be a bit of a mess, he'll die knowing that he failed in his attempts to squash me completely.
Fuck that guy.
Hey. If you're still having sympathy and compassion for the person who hurt you, it's really ok.
I said 'fuck that guy' in my last post. But it took me a really long time to get there. Also, that may never be how you feel about them. That's ok too. You don't have to hate them.
Your feelings toward them don't invalidate what happened to you. And your feelings certainly are not evidence that it 'wasn't that bad'.
I think there are a lot of people out there that think that there's a single 'correct' way to heal. You can process and heal in whatever way works for you. You don't have to follow someone else's blueprint.
Give yourself space, grace and time.
Over a year ago, he got into an accident on his motorcycle and was in the hospital for more than two months. I found out by googling his name. Yes, I still do that occasionally, maybe once a year; I can't explain why succinctly.
When I first saw the GoFundMe, I nearly donated. I could see that it was set up by a 3rd party, so I could donate anonymously with strict instructions that my identity was not to be revealed under any circumstances.
However, I waited. I credit healing and therapy for this. I asked myself a few questions:
Knowing him like you do:
Do you think he appreciates the donations he's received so far?
Do you think he's saying nice things about the people who donated lower amounts?
Do you think he's being appreciative to the girlfriend he has that facilitated this and is undoubtedly taking care of him right now?
Do you think this kind of experience would change him for the better? Or would he use it as an excuse and motivation to be worse?
Do you think he would appreciate any amount from you?
Do you feel you financially owe him anything ever again?
Does he actually need this money?
Each question had the same answer. So I put my credit card away.
I don't think compassion for your abuser is necessary, nor is it a reasonable expectation of abuse survivors. But it might be good for some survivors. It's possible to be compassionate without reinserting yourself in someone's life.
What you need could change throughout the years, and it could differ wildly from what someone else needs at that same moment in time. Situations that look the same aren't necessarily.
*Incoming metaphor, sorry* Healing from abuse is a twisted, vine-y road covered in thorns. You just have to figure out how to make your way with as few injuries as possible. That could be with a machete, or pruners, or some cautious, thoughtful navigation. Or some mixture of the 3.
I don't know. I'm still figuring it out myself. What I do know, is that anytime anyone's tried to tell me what's good for me, it's been starkly in contrast to what I needed at the time.
The Recloseted Lesbian. Compassion
I'm sick. Sick as fuck, to be precise. I have not been able to keep anything down for 3 days, I've been sleeping shit, and everything fucking hurts. So my capacity for emotional regulation is out to lunch. That in mind, be kind about this train wreck below.
I'm a little obsessed with Astarion (Baldur's Gate 3). Nothing unhealthy, I just read a lot of extra stuff about him that I don't for the other characters. Side note, he's, objectively, not a good person, but I'm championing him anyway. He's a broken little guy, and I am a broken girl; the only difference between us is I've had 7 years of therapy.
I'm watching some alternative dialogue options with Astarion on YouTube. Some of this shit cuts open scabs that I forgot were there.
Like there's a choice in ACT 2 you can make that kind of pressures him into doing something that he just told you makes him feel wretched...HOOO BOI, I need to go curl up in the shower for a bit
It was years. YEARS.
May Sarton, from Recovering: A Journal [ID in alt text]
I HAVE the power!
friendly reminder that YOU 🫵 can make even the most relaxing innocuous activities into high stress situations if you’re mentally ill enough. always believe in yourself and your incapacity to conquer catastrophic thinking!
Unlearning
I was driving around seeing clients yesterday for about 6 hours. I'd only had a bagel for breakfast and it was nearing 6pm. I was pretty hungry.
I stopped for food, and I felt really bad about it. I confessed to my partner that I'd stopped, expecting her to agree with my assessment that it was financially irresponsible.
She didn't. Naturally. Because eating is not a luxury, and it's worth the $17.
I'd imagine he would deny doing anything to me at all.
He's been on my mind a lot.
I guess it's not surprising; mentally I've been in a hole lately. And my brain likes to keep me there.
Still, it's frustrating to feel like I'm regressing.