I Realized Recently That I Don't Think About Him Every Day Anymore. Often, Still, But Not Every Day.

I realized recently that I don't think about him every day anymore. Often, still, but not every day.

I don't know how to track that kind of progress, but I'm grateful for it.

Over a year ago, he got into an accident on his motorcycle and was in the hospital for more than two months. I found out by googling his name. Yes, I still do that occasionally, maybe once a year; I can't explain why succinctly.

When I first saw the GoFundMe, I nearly donated. I could see that it was set up by a 3rd party, so I could donate anonymously with strict instructions that my identity was not to be revealed under any circumstances.

However, I waited. I credit healing and therapy for this. I asked myself a few questions:

Knowing him like you do:

Do you think he appreciates the donations he's received so far?

Do you think he's saying nice things about the people who donated lower amounts?

Do you think he's being appreciative to the girlfriend he has that facilitated this and is undoubtedly taking care of him right now?

Do you think this kind of experience would change him for the better? Or would he use it as an excuse and motivation to be worse?

Do you think he would appreciate any amount from you?

Do you feel you financially owe him anything ever again?

Does he actually need this money?

Each question had the same answer. So I put my credit card away.

4am Musings

Is childhood inherently traumatizing?

I wrote this the day after my first-ever post. I was a mess. I'm still a mess, but it's a different kind of mess.

I still wonder at times if I need someone to 'keep me in line.' I have a partner who is kind and gentle, and has no interest in taming or training me.

I still don't trust that I am good enough to be hers. Or anyone's.

Uphill all the way

Sometimes I feel like he’s right. That I’m crazy. That he is a good man who tried so hard to help me become a functioning adult. That I was just too fucked up to make him happy.

It’s a funny thing to be trained not to trust yourself.

Cheers to not letting the monster take over.

““How to make a monster: First you must take something innocent, then feed it hate, ridicule and betrayal. All that is left is a soul poisoned by the world.””

— -via iitisveryoverrated (via bialyanqueen)

Today, as a queer woman in Canada, I feel unsafe.