Self Care, I Have Discovered Over The Past 7 Years, Is Really Fucking Hard.

Self care, I have discovered over the past 7 years, is really fucking hard.

Sometimes self-care is, actually, NOT getting onto the computer and little treats and watching youtube videos. Sometimes those things are self-care, but sometimes they're also avoidant behaviors.

Sometimes self care is waking up and just. Fucking getting in the car. And driving to the bank. And the store. And buying the cat litter. And changing the cat boxes you've been avoiding because your brains been stuck in a hole. And picking up the trash you've been piling up. And getting a load into the wash. And mowing the lawn before the village council sends you a formal complaint and potential-fines warning.

Like its hard and annoying to do because it sucks. It sucks so much. But if I don't start working on this pile of bullshit I've let build up because it stinks and i was stuck in deer-in-headlights mode, I risk letting it turn into fuckery. I do not have the patience for fuckery that I once - foolishly! - thought I had.

Hey. If you're still having sympathy and compassion for the person who hurt you, it's really ok.

I said 'fuck that guy' in my last post. But it took me a really long time to get there. Also, that may never be how you feel about them. That's ok too. You don't have to hate them.

Your feelings toward them don't invalidate what happened to you. And your feelings certainly are not evidence that it 'wasn't that bad'.

I think there are a lot of people out there that think that there's a single 'correct' way to heal. You can process and heal in whatever way works for you. You don't have to follow someone else's blueprint.

Give yourself space, grace and time.

Oh.

Best to do the scary things at a bit of a run..

October is the start of past trauma season for me.

I dropped the ball on pumpkins this year, so I missed out on the catharsis. I am feeling drained because of work, but I don't feel the usual nonsense. Not yet, anyway.

I've been out from under his thumb for 6 years as of almost 2 weeks ago. He ruined my sense of self and nearly killed me.

But I'm still here. And while I'll probably always be a bit of a mess, he'll die knowing that he failed in his attempts to squash me completely.

Fuck that guy.

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 1

I get migraines with auras ( mine are sparkly lights and blindspots) He made me drive to get him beer after I came home from work early with a migraine. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I did it. And the completion of the task showed that it really wasn’t that bad. I needed to stop over reacting.