Oh.

Oh.

Today, as a queer woman in Canada, I feel unsafe.

Over a year ago, he got into an accident on his motorcycle and was in the hospital for more than two months. I found out by googling his name. Yes, I still do that occasionally, maybe once a year; I can't explain why succinctly.

When I first saw the GoFundMe, I nearly donated. I could see that it was set up by a 3rd party, so I could donate anonymously with strict instructions that my identity was not to be revealed under any circumstances.

However, I waited. I credit healing and therapy for this. I asked myself a few questions:

Knowing him like you do:

Do you think he appreciates the donations he's received so far?

Do you think he's saying nice things about the people who donated lower amounts?

Do you think he's being appreciative to the girlfriend he has that facilitated this and is undoubtedly taking care of him right now?

Do you think this kind of experience would change him for the better? Or would he use it as an excuse and motivation to be worse?

Do you think he would appreciate any amount from you?

Do you feel you financially owe him anything ever again?

Does he actually need this money?

Each question had the same answer. So I put my credit card away.

I'm sick. Sick as fuck, to be precise. I have not been able to keep anything down for 3 days, I've been sleeping shit, and everything fucking hurts. So my capacity for emotional regulation is out to lunch. That in mind, be kind about this train wreck below.

I'm a little obsessed with Astarion (Baldur's Gate 3). Nothing unhealthy, I just read a lot of extra stuff about him that I don't for the other characters. Side note, he's, objectively, not a good person, but I'm championing him anyway. He's a broken little guy, and I am a broken girl; the only difference between us is I've had 7 years of therapy.

I'm watching some alternative dialogue options with Astarion on YouTube. Some of this shit cuts open scabs that I forgot were there.

Like there's a choice in ACT 2 you can make that kind of pressures him into doing something that he just told you makes him feel wretched...HOOO BOI, I need to go curl up in the shower for a bit

Trauma symptom: rushing in the bathroom.

It's been a while since I've had jarring ptsd symptoms, but yesterday I did get a feeling while I was using the restroom : Hurry! Before he realizes you're in here!

I've learned to get myself through these, so I'm fine. But oof.

Best to do the scary things at a bit of a run..