He Could Not Wash Dishes. He'd Get A Rash On His Hands ( Possibly Eczema Or Psoriasis). No Solutions

He could not wash dishes. He'd get a rash on his hands ( possibly eczema or psoriasis). No solutions would placate him. He only ever had problems, never solutions.

Ruined Weekends

He often complained that I “robbed” him of his weekend when he kicked me out of the house. That was because he’d have thrown me out before I had the opportunity to do his dishes and clean his house. And he couldnt go out or do things if his house wasn’t clean.

My fault.

Ditto receiving oral sex. Is that product of being with a man with whom I did not feel comfortable or confident, and did not put things like my pleasure in a position of priority? Or do I just plainly not like it?

I'm an adult. I feel very distressed that I don't actually know the answers to these questions.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

It INFURIATES me that his words still make me cry this hard. 

Texts on deck

I’m still going through old texts; I have a ton to share.

I have avoided capturing my responses thus far.  In all frankness, they are humiliating. I wish it wasn’t me.  It doesn’t really feel like me. However, it was me. Part of healing is forgiving yourself (mon dieu), and I don’t think I’ll be able to do that unless I release them.

Depresh has consumed me since looking through these things, so I am barely keeping up with essentials.  I can’t release anything right now.  But I will, periodically.

This is me being brave.