Distorted Reality - Tumblr Posts
The “kicking” in question was me telling him he downgraded. Contrary to the message above, he made sure I was aware then exactly how much I’d hurt him by hanging up on me twice and reminding me what a good man he’s been to me despite the fact that I am a horrible person.
My comment was petty, I’ll admit that. Other than that, though, I did what he loves: stroked his ego. Keeps things peaceful, and yet, I got to wake up to this last week.
"What? You think John* hasn't ever had to keep Jane* in line? You think I'm the only one who does this?"
* a couples friend of ours. Names changed.
e)
“I keep hearing about those towels from my mom.”
“…you got…. everything.”
“I know.”
The xmas immediately before we separated his mother bought us towels ($100.00). We had grey and white - he used the white, I used the grey. So I took the grey ones with me when I left he kicked me out. He is stating that she’s lamenting the $40 of her xmas gift that I took with me.
When I say that he got everything, I mean he got everything: I walked away from the house that I contributed 50% to financially, all of our furniture, dishes, kitchen utensils, soap dishes, bed sheets, groceries and our joint account. He got all of it.
And he’s saying this as though I should be writing a cheque to keep the peace between he and his mother - as if I owe him that.
“A feminist would never do what you have done. You have turned your back on that which you claim is so important to you. How would other feminists react if they heard how you degraded yourself? How would they feel if they knew that you make shitty money at a shitty job? Aren’t you supposed to be an independent woman? Then why are you in a position where you couldn’t make it on your own? Why are you such a fuck up?"
A text message he sent me some time in 2016. I saved it in my notes as I switched phones in early 2017. I saved it at the time because it gave me hope that we would date again.
Experienced.
He wanted more experiences. He felt that I had cheated him out of a good life.
His experiences were based on decisions he’d made: he bought a motorcycle instead of travelling. He played paintball every weekend in the summer instead of trying different things. He insisted we needed to “stay home and clean this shithole up” (of course meaning I had to clean the house - which I generally kept quite orderly, in spite of him) if he ever did have a weekend off paintball instead of taking day trips. He was excessively conservative financially when it came to leisure activities with me. If he wasn’t spending money on his bike or paintball, then he argued that we ought to be doing something for the house.
So things got dull, but he made it impossible for me to improve upon these circumstances. He’d isolated me from my friends, and then complained that I never invited anyone over. He told me I didn’t love him because I never bought him things or planned outings for us, but also insisted I should not be spending any money as I made so little and didn’t have the choice to be spontaneous. He’d be furious that I never surprised him, but reminded me all the time that he hated surprises (unless they were really really good). I never let us go anywhere because the house was always “filthy” and we couldn’t leave it in that state, athough he never had a problem leaving it to me.
I was the cause of him never getting to have any fun. If you count out all the paintball, going to the gun range, the strip clubs and bars he went to with his buddies*, zipping around on his motorcycle, and overdosing on video games while I cooked/cleaned/laundered/fixed drinks.
So after we had broken up, he looked to me to give him all the joys life had to offer that he never got to have. It was one of the requirements on My List. It was only fair as I was the architect of his misery.
I delivered on these experiences at great personal cost, financially and otherwise.
*Another story
This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ll ever post. This was My List that he gave me to complete in order for us to date again. Complete this, and I would be forgiven. I believed it too, and allowed myself to be tortured in the pursuit.
Last night’s text. He goes from not messaging me for months to baiting me almost daily. Thus far I have not responded.
An Experience
Referring to this
I took us Skydiving in the summer of 2016 for his birthday complete with weekend away. It was probably the most exhilarating thing I’ll ever do.
We got videos and pictures of our jumps from the company we jumped with, but he also insisted I document his whole experience from start to finish on my phone. One of his complaints was that I never took pictures of anything, and that was a sign that I was not normal or a good partner.
The consequence of me playing paparazzi was that we discovered, a few weeks later when the official videos arrived, that I was in the first part of his. He was furious about that, stating how he’d have to re-edit it to be able to show it to his family.
Worst of all, where previously he had been raving about the experience, he soon turned it around. He was dissatisfied because I had participated. He was angry that I had not just paid for him to jump, but that I had jumped myself.
He stated that I just “couldn’t let him have anything.”
Always seemed that no matter how much I spent or planned that I couldn’t do anything right.
i’m reading why does he do that and this last part has been ON FIRE, i am hollering in my house.
Here’s a weird one
He insists that I had an “accent” the night I met him. He swears I put one on to entrap him ( he’s a sucker for a foreign accent? - how would i have even known that at this point???)
This never happened.
Flashback
I have an astonishingly clear memory of one of the days where I went to help him rebuild the basement. I stood at the top of the stairs much longer than usual. I was willing myself to go down.
I did so by telling myself I was okay with the prospect of never coming back up.
Say g’bye to sleep this week.
He contacted one of my friends today.
I haven’t gotten back to him about the tax document yet (yeah, I procrastinated/avoided/ whatever you want to call it). He messaged one of the few friends of mine that he was fairly well acquainted with.
She doesn’t know about the abuse. I really do adore her, but she lives out of town and talking about it never seemed like the right time. Plus, she’s a confident, successful, strong and I really admire her; I’ll admit that I can feel intimidated by her, and I’m not sure she’d understand.
Though I believe she understands him a little more after his escapade tonight.
Words matter to him. She told him that I wasn’t responding because this was a busy time of year for me and because I was “moving on.”
We all knew where this was going.
So, being reasonable, she told him to mail it to me. He responded that he’s going to drop it off. Can’t wait to see him at the door. :D
Did you know that he had the nerve to tell her that he was worried about me?
One I’ll never get back.
He made me miss the wedding reception of one of my best friends. He told me weddings were for hook ups, and I just wanted to go to get back to my “old ways.”
Here’s the real reason: He didn’t like that she, a white woman, married black man. This aspect of him could be a whole series of posts on its own, but we’ll keep it simple for now.
This is making me sick even to put into words.
My friend’s husband’s family is, of course, also black, and my ex was particularly intimidated at the prospect of me dressed up and looking pretty while in the presence of black men.
Because he thought once you go... no, I’m not going to finish that sentence. My brain can only handle so much stupid in one day.
Update : John and Jane are no longer together. I know because I do their taxes.
He said this to me while he had me pinned to the bed by my throat and his knee in my my stomach. It was after he had shaken and thrown me onto the bed. He had spitscreamed in my face that I was a useless cunt because I was not making enough money.
He idolized John and Jane's relationship mostly, I think, because Jane bought John a few neat gifts.
Rumour has it John did try to keep Jane in line in the same way I was. And Jane found an outlet similar to mine to deal.
I saw her yesterday. I wanted to say something. I didn't.
“What? You think John* hasn’t ever had to keep Jane* in line? You think I’m the only one who does this?”
* a couples friend of ours. Names changed.