Im Reading Why Does He Do That And This Last Part Has Been ON FIRE, I Am Hollering In My House.

i’m reading why does he do that and this last part has been ON FIRE, i am hollering in my house.

Many nights I wonder how I survived this.

Some nights I don’t feel like I should have.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

Ruined Weekends

He often complained that I "robbed" him of his weekend when he kicked me out of the house. That was because he'd have thrown me out before I had the opportunity to do his dishes and clean his house. And he couldnt go out or do things if his house wasn't clean.

My fault.

Lighthearted healing - a first

*My friend and I get into my car *

Me:  “Oh, I guess I don’t need this anymore”  *takes down post-it note pinned to ceiling fabric of car and crumples it.*

Friend: “What was it?”

Me:  “He wanted me to leave myself a message to read if I was ever feeling happy or accomplished.”

Friend:  “... what does it say?”

Me: “ ‘[His name] hurts’ ”

Friend:  “Whaaaaat!?” *laughter ensues*

Me: *sheepish silence followed by (awful) rendition of REM*   “Everyyy body huuuuuuurrrts.... sooooometimme”

Me and my friend:  *laughlaughlaugh*

Ditto receiving oral sex. Is that product of being with a man with whom I did not feel comfortable or confident, and did not put things like my pleasure in a position of priority? Or do I just plainly not like it?

I'm an adult. I feel very distressed that I don't actually know the answers to these questions.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.