The First Time I Saw Him Get Violent It Was Over Me.

The first time I saw him get violent it was over me.

He grabbed the guy by the nose ring and punched him in the head.

The poor bastard's crime? He tried to steal my drink.

I am not the lies my brain may tell me.

Taking time to affirm and appreciate yourself everyday is so important.

I knew it was abuse when I would silently panic at the sound of his car pulling in the driveway.

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send me the thing or things that made you realize it was abuse

When you're reaching out for help, a " I'm sorry, the girl who leads that program isn't here right now, can you call back tomorrow?" will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don't think you'll understand this if you've never been in crisis mode.

I realize that this could be textbook gaslighting, but he used to tell me that I was awful to him.  He told me I was neglectful and emotionally abusive. And when he first kicked me out he threatened me with a restraining order, a peace bond and legal action. 

I don’t remember doing anything sufficiently to warrant these allegations and threats. But maybe some of what he’s saying is true.  Maybe I’ve just  blocked it out or not recognized that my actions were abusive.

These are the things that keep me up at night and curled into a ball during the day.