I Knew It Was Abuse When I Would Silently Panic At The Sound Of His Car Pulling In The Driveway.

I knew it was abuse when I would silently panic at the sound of his car pulling in the driveway.

_______________

send me the thing or things that made you realize it was abuse

I am not the lies my brain may tell me.

Taking time to affirm and appreciate yourself everyday is so important.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

Flashbacks

But not the kind you expect.

Where one minute I'm laughing at some stupid thing on my phone and then I see his face. He's looking at me the way he does when he's made me laugh so hard I can't breathe. In that second i see all the love; it's real and I am vindicated. I forgive him for calling me a cunt yesterday. This feels like happiness, I think.

All I want is to go back there. To that moment. Instead I'm sitting here slumped over my steering wheel.

One I’ll never get back.

He made me miss the wedding reception of one of my best friends.  He told me weddings were for hook ups, and I just wanted to go to get back to my “old ways.”

Here’s the real reason: He didn’t like that she, a white woman, married black man.  This aspect of him could be a whole series of posts on its own, but we’ll keep it simple for now.  

This is making me sick even to put into words.

My friend’s husband’s family is, of course, also black, and my ex was particularly intimidated at the prospect of me dressed up and looking pretty while in the presence of black men.

Because he thought once you go...   no, I’m not going to finish that sentence.  My brain can only handle so much stupid in one day.

He told me write out all the things I deserved to reference any time I deigned to feel good.  I kept it under my mouse pad at work up until yesterday when I brought it home.

I can’t date this specifically, but I’m thinking Fall 2016.  I remember writing it.

Excuse the handwriting.