Self Doubt - Tumblr Posts
Не так давно я впервые прочитала перевод Doubt - TØP. Тогда я подумала, что не найду ничего, описывающего моё состояние лучше, и оказалась права.
Я так часто заворачиваюсь в эту песню. Голос, слова. Музыка. И это "эба-ба-ба-ба-ббаут ми" почему-то стучит в сердце, стучит вместе с пульсом.
Это так сильно знакомо мне, что даже не пытаюсь сдерживать слёзы.
Боюсь собственного образа, боюсь своей незрелости.
Мысли о том, как ты выглядишь, как ты себя подаешь, что о тебя думали и подумают, выглядишь ли ты незнающим, незрелым, глупым человеком?
Боюсь потолка, боюсь, что умру от неуверенности.
Мысли о собственной ненужности, невозможности сделать что-то лучше. Мысли о неуверенности - это неотъемлемая часть моей жизни. Мысли о том, сколько возможностей, шансов, людей потеряно, лишь из-за неуверенности.
Страх может погубить меня, страх приводит к тревоге.
Страх, боязнь, тревога, тревожность, неважно сколько ещё синонимов можно подобрать. Важно то, что этот страх губит. Что он приводит к тревоге. К постоянной тревоге. И, когда я говорю "постоянной", я имею в виду именно это. Каждую. Чертову. Секунду. Моей. Жизни.
Не знаю, что скрывается внутри меня.
Не знаю, не понимаю. Даже не так. Разучилась понимать. Я путаюсь в простых вещах, в простых чувствах, в своих чувствах. Мне нужно, чтобы кто-нибудь объяснил всё. Ведь, когда я пытаюсь разобраться во всем сама - лишь сильнее путаюсь внутри собственных мыслей.
Температура понижается. Я не уверен, что это когда-нибудь прекратится. Руки трясутся от темных мыслей в моей голове. Ты единственное, что у меня есть.
Это такое знакомое состояние, что порой я забываю, что некоторые люди могут не чувствовать этого, что раньше этого не чувствовала я. Все ращрушающие мысли остаются в голове, каждое хоть немного негативное слово остаётся в голове на месяцы, года. Мои руки трясутся, даже если я просто говорю тебе привет, и я действительно не уверена, что так и должно быть. Я действительно не думаю, что это когда-нибудь прекратится. Но я так сильно хочу, чтобы оно закончилось. Навряд ли кто-то может помочь мне, ведь в первую очередь - это моя задача. Но я так хочу немного тепла.
Вгрызаемся в церковь, цепляемся за их систему, повторяем простые фразы, которые кто-то сказал повторять.
Я ищу успокоение в религии и иногда нахожу. Я ищу успокоение в людях, которые говорят держаться, и иногда нахожу. Но в действительности, тех минут не хватает на долго. Я повторяю фразы поддержки и вдалбливаю в собственную голову, что все хорошо. Мне сказали, это поможет.
Я хочу, чтобы отметины на моей коже снова для меня что-то значили. Надеюсь, ты не уйдешь от меня, пожалуйста, не надо.
Пожалуйста.
Не забывай обо мне, даже когда я сомневаюсь в тебе, без тебя мне плохо, плохо, плохо.
Пожалуйста, не забывай, не бросай, не оставляй, я просто потерялась в собственной голове. Сомнение - всё, что мне осталось. Я могу оттолкнуть, но пожалуйста, не забывай. Мне плохо, плохо, плохо.
Jeffrey Hawk/The Clown taking care of a reader on their period.
He knew there was something up. Last night you had tossed and turned for hours on end, even going so far as to leave the bed and lay on the couch to "not bother him as much". Pfft. You should know better than to think that way. The only thing that bothered Jeffrey was when you made wrong and unnecessary assumptions about him. It was as if you expected the worst out of him. But he wouldn't get frustrated with you over this for he knew exactly what was going on.
Jeffrey had woken up before you, hauling himself out of bed to go fix breakfast and watch TV. He knew that, after such a difficult night, you needed the rest, and it was best to let you recuperate. The day could start later. However, on a trip to the restroom, he decided to stop and check in on you, his grey-blue eyes taking in the sight of your uncovered body bathing in the morning glow of sunshine penetrating through the curtains. You were so beautiful and cute, your mouth parted open, hair messy, arms strung out and feet tangled in the blankets. Your peaceful aura brought joy to his broken world.
He continued to gaze at you in simple admiration until the sight of something dark glistened within the morning sun. He huffed in suspicion and waltzed into the room, his eyes squinting as he looked down at the splotches of red in between your thighs. Oh boy. He sighed, noting that your underwear was soaked as well as the sheets beneath you. Welp, looks like you were going to be boss of the house for a while.
Minor aggravation coursed through Jeffrey's nerves as he quietly stomped off to start you a warm bath. He wasn't aggravated with you or the situation by any means, but he did have a feeling that this was going to be a problem for you. You were already so skittish, insecure and doubtful around him in general, constantly apologizing and panicking over the simplest things. Waking up to this? He just knew that you were probably going to freak out and overreact. You might cry too. Ugh... He hated seeing you cry.
After starting the water and grabbing a spare towel, Jeffrey returned to the bedroom and approached you on the bed. Carefully he seated himself on the mattress, his head turning back to take in your slumbering form. Dang it. He really didn't want to disturb you. He sighed, his hand reaching out to gently shake your shoulder. "Hey... Hey, bunny, wake up," He mumbled, stroking your cheek. "Wake up now."
"Mm?" Came your endearing reply, little, tired whimpers filling the air as you roused, eyes blinking open goofily. "Jeffrey?" You whispered, your sleepy tone just so adorable and sweet. He could eat you up in a heart beat.
"Hey bunny," He coughed a little while leaning down, his hand brushing your cheek before allowing you to take his hand, "How're you feeling?"
You blinked gorggily and hummed, your mouth opening with a yawn, "Mmm... Still tired." As you began to stretch, Jeffrey suddenly released your hand and went to place a palm on your thigh, stilling you into confusion, "What-"
"Try not to move too much, m'k?" He whispered in a somewhat hushed voice, his palms rubbing soothing circles into your thighs as he tried to pull a funny face, "I think the captain here's sailing 'cross the red sea."
"Huh?" You rasp in confusion at his confusing joke before the familiar terms hit you at bullet speed, and you were jerking yourself upwards far enough you could look down between your legs. And that's when the horror settled in.
"Now, now," Jeffrey began, pointing a firm expression your way before you started going haywire. "Don't you dare go off them rails, ya hear? This ain't nothin' to worry about, got it?"
"Oh no," You gasp, you're conscience overrun with mortification. You had started your period. You had started your period on Jeffrey's bed. How disgusting could you be? And he had caught you. He was right here in front of you witnessing it. Oh God, he must be furious. You had contaminated his personal belongings with your nasty human filfth, and now he was probably going to throw you out like the unleashed dog you were. "I... I..." Your eyes began to water.
"Damn it, (y/n), I said don't worry," Jeffrey sighed in visual frustration and stood up, his big arms lifting outwards towards you. "Up," He demanded, wiggling his fingers at you, "Come on."
"I-I'm sorry," You whined, one hand going to cover your eyes while the other clenched up in the sheets, "I'm so sorry..."
"For God's sake, quit apologizin'. I ain't mad; you know that," He grumbled, tossing the towel at you. "Here, wrap yourself with this. I got the bath runnin' for ya. Hurry an' get in there before it overflows."
You took the towel with a small speckle of uncertainty, your watery eyes looking at him with sad wonder. He wasn't mad? And he had made you a bath? You sniffled, your humiliated, terrified heart scrambling around in a ball of worry inside your chest. "Thank you, Jeffrey," You whisper, unable to face him as you grab the towel with shaky hands and go to wrap it around your waist. "I-I promise I-I'll clean this up. N-new sheets and everything, I promise, I-"
As soon as you stood up, Jeffrey pressed two fingers against your lips and wheezed, his scowl small yet teasing, "Do I needa' glue your mouth shut?"
You bowed your head at him in shame. Jeffrey sighed in huge exaggeration and pulled you close, his arms wrapping around you and holding you against his side, "Quit mopin', alright? The only crime you've committed is raisin' my water bill."
You scoffed, glaring at him from where your face lay happily smooshed against his pecks. He chuckled and ruffled your messy hair playfully, "I need'a redecorate anyway. Same ol' sheets get boring to look at all the time."
"I really don't mind cleaning it up," You whimpered, gazing at your bloody mess with shame and misery, "I know I'm disgusting..."
"And I don't mind spankin' your ass ya say somethin' like that one more time," Jeffrey growled, glaring unhappily at you in the hopes that you would understand that he wasn't in the mood to tolerate your obnoxious doubts and insecurities. Whenever you looked away in further despair, he sighed, hugged you tight and pressed a chaste kiss to the side of your forehead. "Get in there b'fore the tub overflows. Leave your clothes on the sink. Got it, sunshine?"
"Yeah," You replied quietly, your body absorbing his tender affections as he held you close for a few seconds longer.
"Now scat," Jeffrey gave you a small push, ushering you away so that he could take care of the blankets and sheets.
Stuck in a cloud of humiliation, you followed his orders and went to the bathroom, abruptly turning off the facet water before shedding your shirt, shorts and underwear. You sat the stained clothing on the sink as he requested and went to dip yourself into the fresh, clean tub, loving satisfaction buzzing through you as you enjoy the soothing temperature. Jeffrey always knew just what you liked. You were lucky to have him.
"Wastin' my water..." Jeffrey sighed in exasperation as he entered the bathroom to grab your dirty clothes, his eyes lingering on your shy figure lying cozily in the tub. You were so damn beautiful to him, even on your bad days.
"Really?" You groaned, knowing that he was obviously teasing you. He was always cracking silly jokes, trying to make you feel guilty about random things you would never feel guilty about. Over the months you had grown used to it, simply rolling your eyes every time he teased, but you wouldn't deny the fondness you felt towards his ridiculous jokes.
Jeffrey chuckled and asked, "Want me to cook ya breakfast?"
You fumbled nervously, unconsciously feeling bad for nodding, "Yes please?"
"What'a ya want?" Jeffrey coughed, purposely playing around with your dirty underwear and earning himself an attack of water being flicked his way. "Hey, I said no wastin' water. Jesus, you're tryin' to ring me dry."
"Oh stop it," You bark, rolling your eyes. See? A tease. You smiled at him and requested what you desired eating for breakfast, your heart drumming with content as he agreed to have it ready by the time you got dressed.
Before he left the bathroom, he made sure that you had everything you needed. Clean clothes, pads, your hairbrush and a fresh towel. He also brought you a cup of your favorite morning beverage along with some menstrual medication. Later on he would go to the store to stock up on some more of your monthly needs, but you might have to write it all down on paper for him. He wouldn't make you go anywhere when you were feeling like this.
After you were finished with your bath, you got dressed and did your morning bathroom routine before making way for the kitchen, the sight of the fresh bed sheets sending a warm tremor through your heart. How could you ever want for anyone greater? Did a greater person exist? The smell of breakfast outlined your precious feelings as you wandered into the kitchen, your fingers pressing together over your aching belly as you approached the man sitting at the dining table.
"Feelin' better?" Asked Jeffrey, his mouth twitching as he took one last drag off a cigarette before crushing it in the ash bowl.
"Mhm, thank you," You almost came close to apologizing again but paused immediately on account of the fact that Jeffrey did not like it when you apologized too much. So you settled for walking up beside him, your hands going to wrap around his shoulders, your face forming into a pout, "My tummy still hurts."
"Well tell it to stop," Jeffrey wheezed while waving the lingering smoke away as he pulled you close to him, one large hand slipping up the front of your shirt.
You instantly uttered a deep, quiet moan of bliss, the feel of Jeffrey's large, warm, magnetizing hand rubbing your tender, aching flesh causing your toes to curl in bodily satisfaction. It felt so good. You sighed, hugging him against your chest, your throat nearly purring from how good it felt, the love he gave you. He kissed your neck, his hot breath sending a shudder through you.
"Darn thing, makin' me waste all this water and gas," Jeffrey grumbled, chuckling whenever you pushed on his head a little in frustration. "Can't even watch my favorite show. Know why?"
"Because I'm dis-"
"Cause I already got it right here in my arms," Jeffrey cut you off, one arm tightening around you in a manner of fondness, love and protection. "Best show I ever did see." You melted at that, your body sagging into him as if you were perfectly molded for each other. Inside your chest your heart fluttered in madness, consumed by the loving attention he continued to shower you with.
Jeffrey finished cooking you and himself breakfast, continously teasing and making ridiculous jokes. You were beginning to feel better although the aches and pressure still greatly lingered. Eating helped a bit, but the cramps restrained you from properly enjoying the delicious meal. A few times you had complained up until the point Jeffrey grabbed your mostly empty plates, scraped them and threw them in the sink before dragging you to the living room sofa, and from there he proceeded to do one of your favorite things ever.
Once Jeffrey had the TV turned on to his desired channel, he grabbed his soda and sat down on the couch, steadily reclining back into the beat-in cushions. From there he gazed up at you and shook his head in confusion, his arms gesturing you forward. "Well come on," He ushered.
Blushing, you timidly walked forward, your body erupting with a small tremor of excitement as you stopped before him. Gazing away, you carefully put a knee on the couch on one side of his thigh before quickly following suite with the other, straddling his strong thighs between your own smaller ones. "That's it, bunny," Jeffrey rubbed the back of your head, his hands gently coaxing you into leaning against him.
And you did.
With a happy whimper, you leaned forward, your belly and chest pressing against Jeffreys and leaving you with just enough room to lay your head against his thick, warm pecks. And yes, it was precisely as amazing as it sounded. Forget hot water bottles. Forget heating pads. Forget massager guns. Why would you need any of those things when you had literally all you could ever want and more right here?
You sighed pleasantly, your cramps feeling significantly less destructive while being snuggly pressed against him. "I gotcha," He whispered against the top of your head, kissing you as his hands caressed and massaged the areas of your body he knew often ached the worst. "I gotcha."
And he would always have you.
I use humor to hide my crippling anxiety and self doubt!
-Jay Walker, at least once in his life.
Many nights I wonder how I survived this.
Some nights I don’t feel like I should have.
The propensity for self doubt.
I wrote about this in a message to someone, but I thought it may be an interesting thing to note about my mindset at this time.
When the texts were ramping up last week I went to a woman’s shelter again to get some information on legal and safety options. I brought two friends with me, as in my brain fog I can easily miss some information.
I spoke to a social worker who was really welcoming and understanding. However, unknowingly, she said something that put me in a tailspin. It was in her phrasing:
“Do your have records on file from your hospital visits?”
With a clear mind I can guarantee this assumptive question was a simple error, and my friends, who were present, have reaffirmed this. However the floor in my head dropped out.
I don’t have records because he never put me in the hospital.
My injuries were never severe enough to send me there, and I never wanted any of this on file. So I immediately felt as though my circumstances didn’t warrant help and I was being a burden to her, my friends and the system from which I was using resources.
I wanted to leave at that very moment and these thoughts plagued me for days. All from one sentence.
I realize that this could be textbook gaslighting, but he used to tell me that I was awful to him. He told me I was neglectful and emotionally abusive. And when he first kicked me out he threatened me with a restraining order, a peace bond and legal action.
I don’t remember doing anything sufficiently to warrant these allegations and threats. But maybe some of what he’s saying is true. Maybe I’ve just blocked it out or not recognized that my actions were abusive.
These are the things that keep me up at night and curled into a ball during the day.
Setback
I’m driving around tonight in a bit of a state. My brain is doing a running inventory of Horrible Things That Have Happened and the Horrible People Who Have Done It.
There is so much, and all I can think is that I must be making at least some of this up. There is no way I could have encountered so many monsters.
No one could really have this many horror stories to tell.
I feel like my workplace would fall apart without me. This notion is inducing some serious mental health regression.
Self doubt, my old friend.
victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?
I wonder how I would handle the normal day to day stress of life he hadn't been manipulating me to distrust and hate myself in the formative years of my early adulthood.
Most people learn coping skills during those years; they figure out how to 'get on with it' in the face of challenges.
I don't have coping skills except for avoidance. Distraction. Or I sweat and visualize all the ways I'm going to screw this up or not have the skills to be successful.
I am defeated before I begin.
Was I always like this?
My Own Worst Enemy
Every day some part of me wishes I could go back in a time machine or something. Not just to the day that I met him, but long before that - maybe to the age of 8 or 9.
If I changed some decisions, maybe my self worth would have been healthy when I met him. Maybe his smooth-talking wouldn’t have hooked and dragged me in. Maybe I would have felt like I deserved more that a boy who told me I was pretty but made me feel unbalanced all the time.
Perhaps then I’d be sitting here working confidently and not steeping in self doubt.
I've started a new job teaching English to new Canadians. It is the first time in my life I am actually making Good Money and feeling like I am doing something worthwhile.
It's also a problematic job for me. As my mother ( a highschool teacher) says about being a teacher : congratulations, you've won an excellent job that will make you insecure in your abilities and your effectiveness every day forever.
What have i done?
My experience: I may be proud and unapologetic now, after learning that no matter how hard I try, there is always someone who thinks and says out loud how very selfish and arrogant I am. But deep inside myself are always those questions: “But am I actually selfish? I just don´t see it myself,” and “But maybe I AM arrogant? If I think well of myself, maybe it is arrogant?” Because in early childhood I managed to learn how I may involuntarily act and speak in a way that makes people hurt, angry or both. And now I still think that maybe, maybe ... Yes, I know, I cannot please everybody. Still would like, tho.
I’m tryna be an actress and a singer but ion know plus I feel like my writing is mid… anyways if anybody is in love me speak the fuck up
He had women who wanted to become part of his life. But, did he really ever want one to be part of his?
"I wish I could love myself"
~RM, Reflections
I honestly do have A knack For ruining everything That I touch. - Me
So another leap of fate all I can say is enjoy. Until next post okay all See you all later.
Framed Connection (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/story/364067985-framed-connection?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_myworks&wp_uname=Lilys_fate Life can be complicated at time making your own capabilities at it come into question. Well what happens when you dream is it still complicated or can it free you from you're mental limitations on life.