When You're Reaching Out For Help, A " I'm Sorry, The Girl Who Leads That Program Isn't Here Right Now,

When you're reaching out for help, a " I'm sorry, the girl who leads that program isn't here right now, can you call back tomorrow?" will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don't think you'll understand this if you've never been in crisis mode.

Her point:  His opinion of me is still in my head and dictating.

Me: I ruined my mother's birthday. I completely lost it on my brother, I'm the worst actually, and caused a scene in a restaurant.

Therapist: What happened?

Me: *explains how a local club does not allow women to be on their board of directors or have a vote regarding how the organization (and a shitload of their own money is spent) is run.*

Therapist: This is a reasonable thing to be angry about. How did this affect your behaviour?

Me: My brother defended the decision stating we lived in a democracy and they could do whatever they wanted. I challenged this - can a business dictate who they serve and don't serve based on skin colour or religion? How about sexual orientation? Gender-identity? Which my sister in law (who I feel particularly betrayed by) dismissed as "semantics" *EYE ROLL*

Therapist: So this got heated.

Me: Yeah. My brother said this was the same thing as businesses that run a women only. I said it wasn't at all, and he dismissed me. I lost it.

Therapist: What did you do?

Me: I yelled "YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF EVERYTHING!"

Therapist: ... so you called him stupid in a polite way?

Me: ...

Therapist: When he was saying something stupid.

Me: ...

Therapist: And this is you being "the worst"?

Me: ... well, I yelled. In public. On my mom's birthday.

Therapist: ... OK. Maybe not your most shining moment but if this is what you consider "the worst" I feel like you might be shocked by the things that happen when my family gets together...

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

Just had a flashback - I treated myself to a smoothie this afternoon.

Last summer he asked me to pick him up a smoothie before coming to his house. It was a regular request. I obliged and started to drive to his place.

He sent me a text; he needed 3 other things at 3 different stores. I agreed to get them. It took some time, and by the time i had gotten to his house the smoothie had melted a bit.

He lost it. He told me I ruined smoothies for him and threw it ( as in wound up like a pitcher) into the sink. It splattered everywhere.

I sobbed silently as I wiped it up.

Flashbacks

But not the kind you expect.

Where one minute I'm laughing at some stupid thing on my phone and then I see his face. He's looking at me the way he does when he's made me laugh so hard I can't breathe. In that second i see all the love; it's real and I am vindicated. I forgive him for calling me a cunt yesterday. This feels like happiness, I think.

All I want is to go back there. To that moment. Instead I'm sitting here slumped over my steering wheel.