Esprodhellinlin - I Don't Know Who Am I

Woman for a minute

I a m writing here, because I have to write it down somewhere. It can be seen as whining or crying without doing anything for a change. I'm trying, im always trying, but losing weight is a long and hard road, and I still have these little thoughts in my head, and they wont ever leave.

I am a big girl, i have always been a big girl, not just my weight but my height. When my stomach was completely flat, my arms were normal, I was still considered as a big girl, because i'm a wide and tall type. My parents were this type too, i can't help it, i have always been the big girl.

I can lose weight, im capable of losing any weight if want to do it, but i will never be skinny because of my wideness and tallness. Body types and proportions are fucking bullshit. And i know i wont be skinny ever, maybe just more acceptable for the society, but never the pretty girl.

Never the pretty girl, never the gorgeous woman, never somebody other calls beautiful.

I had boyfriends, I had affairs, I had boys and several man in my life, dont get me wrong, some men found me desirable. But i was never the pretty girl.

I never sat in someones lap. I never was the cute, fragile, petite girl, I never was the first love interest. I was never considered as a WOMAN. A feminine woman. I was always considered the big, clumsy one. The one who is loud, because no matter how shy and quiet i was, i was big, and being big is being loud.

If a skinny, petite girl wears her hair in a messy bun, not wearing make up, wearing comfy clothes or eating a big meal, they considered cute. If i would do the same, i would be considered unhygienic, lazy, and a gluttonous pig.

No matter the style im trying in clothes, no matter if I wear skirts and dresses, i would never be considered as a pretty, feminine woman. No matter how much I pay for a hair and nail stylist, no matter how much makeup or cute jewelries I wear, i will never be the pretty girly girl, because i will always be too big for it. I will always be considered as a bro.

And it fucking hurts. I want to be a WOMAN. I want to be FEMININE. I dont wanna look like a caring mother or an old aunt, I wanna be the cute girl, I wanna be the girl men call pretty. I wanna be able sit on a man's lap, or to be on top without the fear of hurting them. I want to be little, small, petite...a girl a man could pick up and carry in his arms. I want to be treated as a woman, not a bro, not a friend like the boys. I never got a flower from a man, i have never been in a proper date. I want to be treated as a woman.

But i wont...I wont ever be the pretty girl.

Not even for a minute.

🖤

Now, this is what i crave. Nothing more, nothing less.

🖤

born to be the artist, yearning to be the muse

i have a longing that's killing me.

mahmoud darwish, memory for forgetfulness