Self Image - Tumblr Posts
I like show
Woman for a minute
I a m writing here, because I have to write it down somewhere. It can be seen as whining or crying without doing anything for a change. I'm trying, im always trying, but losing weight is a long and hard road, and I still have these little thoughts in my head, and they wont ever leave.
I am a big girl, i have always been a big girl, not just my weight but my height. When my stomach was completely flat, my arms were normal, I was still considered as a big girl, because i'm a wide and tall type. My parents were this type too, i can't help it, i have always been the big girl.
I can lose weight, im capable of losing any weight if want to do it, but i will never be skinny because of my wideness and tallness. Body types and proportions are fucking bullshit. And i know i wont be skinny ever, maybe just more acceptable for the society, but never the pretty girl.
Never the pretty girl, never the gorgeous woman, never somebody other calls beautiful.
I had boyfriends, I had affairs, I had boys and several man in my life, dont get me wrong, some men found me desirable. But i was never the pretty girl.
I never sat in someones lap. I never was the cute, fragile, petite girl, I never was the first love interest. I was never considered as a WOMAN. A feminine woman. I was always considered the big, clumsy one. The one who is loud, because no matter how shy and quiet i was, i was big, and being big is being loud.
If a skinny, petite girl wears her hair in a messy bun, not wearing make up, wearing comfy clothes or eating a big meal, they considered cute. If i would do the same, i would be considered unhygienic, lazy, and a gluttonous pig.
No matter the style im trying in clothes, no matter if I wear skirts and dresses, i would never be considered as a pretty, feminine woman. No matter how much I pay for a hair and nail stylist, no matter how much makeup or cute jewelries I wear, i will never be the pretty girly girl, because i will always be too big for it. I will always be considered as a bro.
And it fucking hurts. I want to be a WOMAN. I want to be FEMININE. I dont wanna look like a caring mother or an old aunt, I wanna be the cute girl, I wanna be the girl men call pretty. I wanna be able sit on a man's lap, or to be on top without the fear of hurting them. I want to be little, small, petite...a girl a man could pick up and carry in his arms. I want to be treated as a woman, not a bro, not a friend like the boys. I never got a flower from a man, i have never been in a proper date. I want to be treated as a woman.
But i wont...I wont ever be the pretty girl.
Not even for a minute.
🖤
69 -
It’s funny how we wait until we feel good, to do the things that make us feel good.
I have so many cute clothes and ideas and projects and adventures I want to try….when I’m no longer depressed.
So they just sit in the back of the closet and I pass them on occasion and I feel sad that I’m stuck in this apathetic rut.
But that’s the thing right? These things - these bring me joy. If I don’t do them, then I wont have the joy. So obviously I have to take care of myself even when I don’t feel my best because THAT’S when it’s MOST important! It carries you through those times.
I mean duh right?
Anything is easy when you feel up to doing it.
So with that in mind, I’ve been trying to step into my fear. Embrace not doing it perfectly. Embrace saying the wrong thing sometimes. Embrace making people mad, because I will. Embrace messing up. Embrace having the same lesson taught over and over to me.
I feel…not good, but not bad?
This weekend I did laundry, cleaned, went on a little walk, took care of my husband, got some pizza and finished my homework! Go me!
We will keep trying to figure this shit out.
77 -
Today, I am grateful. I had plans with some new friends and I’ll be honest - I get nervous.
Especially doing it sober? I’ve always counted on alcohol or something to reduce the insecurity. To relax my social barometer.
These days, I usually hide out on the weekends trying to muster myself up to survive the week.
Kind of sad to live life this way but I’ve got a lot going on so this is how it is right now.
So I hung out with these two friends and made myself not drink. And it was not bad. I was nervous and felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin, but I did it.
And what was really special, is I was able to vocalize this feeling ^ and share it safely without fear.
I feel like a baby deer learning how to walk, all awkward and gangly - but kind of cute, right?
Baby steps.
Oi! Eu estou aqui.😁