The Last Time I Woke Up In Tears

the last time i woke up in tears

was a dream that i’d had where you were no longer here

and your spot is empty

and i’m struck with the fear of always sitting alone in the back seat

it’s a grief that i’ve never known -

i’ve never lost someone so close,

but as dream and reality superimpose

i remember an alternate life spent alone.

my first memory is the day you were born:

the waratah jersey and the pigtails id worn

but mostly your face-

and now the nausea hits

i know your absence doesn’t really exist but will eventually

in big ways, for sure,

but also in ways just as small

as a concert without you or that gap on the wall where your height should be marked

(above me, because of course you became tall)

and eventually one of us will be the first to go

but before that day i’ll make sure you know that i love you

i love you

i love you

even when you steal my blurryface vinyl

and also my jewellery

lying in the middle of the road

five friends side by side

the stellar emu spread out above our heads.

this mountain is one of the few places left we can see it -

we drove 8 hours just for this.

we debate crushes

and aliens

and marks for the mid-sem

and whether the new taylor swift album will be good

and at some point someone pipes up into the conversation,

declaring

“there’s no fucking way humanity will last another 100 years!”

we all laugh in unison,

the first agreement of the night.

the ensuing silence

less the settling of a gentle orbit

and more the runaway spiral into a black hole,

the words circling closer

constricting

as we feel the rotation of the earth below.

in the dark

someone quietly passes me some skittles;

someone gently squeezes my hand.

what is there to debate?

many studies recently have found

young people experience anxiety

related to climate change

related to war

related to those goddamn phones

that are showing us the truth,

more horrors seen by an individual than ever before.

did they really need studies to know that we’re terrified?

just ask us.

i wish i could say that it comforts me to know

those stars we were looking at

will probably stay shining long after

all of this is gone

but all i can muster is the constant buzz of melancholy

shimmering under my skin like the sky above

with all its loneliness

and it’s immortality

and our fleetingness

and my helplessness

Commonwealth Bank

The moon hangs outside my window at all hours.

Yellow diamond, perpetual half-waning, projecting his own light in.

It breaks through my curtains;

I cannot sleep.

There was a time when it was smaller

rarer

softer in it’s brilliance

a kinder visitor

a personal friend.

I liked her more, then.

some notes about the production of macbeth i saw tonight, because it was wonderful!

- The performance was set in the early 1920s, and whilst this didn’t seem to have any effect on the story interpretation, it made for some wonderful costumes and set pieces (I was particularly fond of Lady Macbeth’s pantsuit)

- Banquo was played by a non-binary person, who absolutely killed it! They brought such a tenderness to Banquo’s relationship with Fleance and a genuine, joyful care for Macbeth that was slowly tainted by concern as time went on.

- Speaking of performances, Lady Macbeth was incredible. Also, Lady Macbeth top rights for the win. Straddled Macbeth and pinned him down as soon as he got home and then when he got excited, slapped him in the face (“Your face, my Thane, is a book where men / may read strange matters”) and then just got up and left him on the floor lmaoooo

- Jumping ahead a little but after the Macbeths’ argument post-murder, Macbeth flinching away from Lady Macbeth when she goes to hold his blood covered hands.

- For almost the entire show, the entire cast was on stage. Instead of leaving they would all stand at the edges facing away from the audience. Instead of having the audio cues like screams and knocking in some of the scenes, the cast would simultaneous make these jerky movements to draw the attention. This also made the few times the stage was genuinely empty stand out.

- The whole banquet sequence was incredible, but particularly Macbeth’s manic giggles upon seeing Banquo. Banquo standing stock still for the first half before rushing to grab Macbeth’s face, and then standing right up against him in his second appearance. Macbeth’s actor was absolutely fantastic and when he started scuttling around the stage backwards on all fours whilst yelling like the girl from The Ring i was Very Unnerved.

- Macbeth just… curled in the foetal position for a solid 5 minutes. Same.

- Lady Macbeth KILLED it with the sleepwalking sequence. Love love loved that on the last “come, come, come, come, give me your hand” bit she became considerably gentler and crouched down, beckoning as though to a toddler learning to walk.

- Macduffs gasps and sobs when hearing his family was killed :( really made the “I will feel it like a man” line hit harder

- Macbeth just became entirely, manically insane for the last section. His whole breakdown, including wearing his jacket incredibly weirdly and crawling all over a chair like gollum, was emphasised through the very stark lighting casting his face in shadows.

- When brought the news of the moving forest he FULLY tackled the messenger to the ground and just sort of… enveloped the poor dude? Lying right on top of him

- Also at this point all of the chairs and tables from around the stage were haphazardly stacked in a mess in the corner. Something something the stage physically representing the breakdown of Macbeth’s mind.

- The final duel being with bayonets was a nice touch

overall i had a great time! while i think there could’ve been more done re: interpretation of some of the character dynamics (macbeth and banquo, macduff and malcolm), and some of the musical scoring and fight choreography came off as a bit cheesy, the actors pulled off a wonderful performance

color studies from the thing (1982)

pov: you study astrophysics 🌟🔭🪐