fdd700

Writer, though that implies I write

Your friendly local burnout

119 posts

I Just- Thank You So Much!! So Is Yours!!

I just- thank you so much!! So is yours!!

Part 1/2

Pairing: Dukexiety, mentioned moceit and intrulogical Words: 1993 Genre: heavy angst (self deprecation, feeling unlovable, heart break), mentions of smut, mentions of foot

“Oh emo~” Virgil spun around, noticing Remus has managed to get into his room without alerting him. “There you are.” He started walking forward but Virgil jumped back.

“Remus? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, emo, don’t be act like a deer hit by a car, we’re friends, so of course I’ll wanna check in!” There was a glint in eyes, and something told Virgil he should run. Another pat of him didn’t want to.

“F-friends?” This didn’t make sense. Remus should hate him. He was so… “But I was so mean, I left and-”

“Water under the bridge.”

“No Remus, please, I should apologise, I was going to-”

“Virgie-”

“I’m so sorry, I was so scared they’d hate me-”

“Virge-”

“I thought if they liked me, then they’d warm up to you-”

“Virgil!” The dark cloud that had begun to form around the anxious side slowly began to fade away. He looked up, tears streaming down his face, ruining his eyeshadow. “Water under the bridge.”

“I don’t deserve that, though,” Virgil said. Remus opened his mouth, but Virgil put up his hands. “I need to apologise. Properly.” He took a shaky breath, wiping his eyes with his hoodie. “I am sorry. I was so mean to you and Janus. There’s no excuse, and I would completely understand if neither of you spoke to me again. There’s no changing what I said and did, I know that.” He takes another deep breath. “I was desperate to fit in and I let their opinions cloud mine. I’m sorry.” Remus was quiet, uncharacteristically so. He moved over closer to Virgil again, and this time the anxious side didn’t jump back.

“Water under the bridge.” He was getting closer and the glint in his eyes was spreading. “Tickle me emo, let’s say I was mad at you, do you think I would be here?” Virgil shook his head, unable to form a single sentence. “You’ve been so stressed, I’ve noticed. Now that Thomas had… reluctantly accepted me as part of his mind, I think it’s time we had a chat.”

“Chat?”

“As your aware, Roman’s creativity is a lot more, PG13 than mine,” Remus said. “Ya know, unicorns and dragons, mine, however,” A grin was spreading over his face. He was in Virgil’s personal space now. Virgil tried to take a step back, but we met with the wall. “Is a little more, 18 and over. You know, I’m more of the kinky one.” Virgil gulped. “And I’ve noticed none of you really like to, what’s the word? Indulge yourselves, you especially, little emo.”

“Remus-”

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m not here to judge.” His arms were on either side of Virgil’s head, caging him. “You always seem so pent up and stressed. It worries everyone because, when you relax, Thomas does too. The others tend to let you de-stress by yourself, but that hasn’t been working, has it?” Virgil felt he should lie and shake his head but the look in Remus’ eyes today him that he could see right through him. He nodded. “Then, I thought, maybe I can help?” Virgil’s breath caught in his throat. No matter how many times he imagined a situation like this, he still didn’t understand how it could be happening.

For as long as he remembered, it’s always been Remus. Ever since he first met him, after the split. Yes, he terrified the life out of him, but he listened. He always knew how to read Virgil like no one else could, and that both terrified him and interested him.

But then he’d left. He’s said horrible things because he was scared and stupid, begging for approval. He’d hurt Remus. Yet here he was, caging Virgil him, forcing him to come face to face with his feelings.

“R-Remus…” His voice was so soft and strained, and his face was red. “I don’t know… I don’t know what you-”

“Oh, I think you do.” Virgil felt Remus’ knee nudge between his legs and Virgil panted. Holy fuck. “I think you know exactly what I’m trying to say.” Virgil found himself nodding, his eyes fluttering closed, head fallen back. “Ah ah, I need you to look at me.” A hand on his chin brought his face back down, his eyes locking with Remus’. “I need an answer.” At his silence, Remus moved to his neck, sucking, and biting gently.

“Maybe… maybe we shouldn’t do- fuck, rem…”

“Tell me to go.” Their eyes met. “Tell me you don’t want this, and I’ll leave.” Virgil blinked.

“I…” He panted as he shifted, feeling Remus’ leg between his. “I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“Tell you that.”

“And why is that.” It would be a lie. Remus was smirking. “So, is that a yes?”

“Yes.” Remus smirked, leaning in and their lips mushed together. Virgil’s heart was pounding. He was becoming a tad overwhelmed but he would rather die than stop this. After years of pining, Remus was kissing him, and holding his and-

He broke the kiss to pant as Remus moved his leg. The side smirked.

“C’mon emo, let’s go lie down.” Virgil only nodded, following Remus’ lead and lying down. Remus climbed on top of him. “You still look so nerveous. Do you want to back out?” ‘This is your chance to say no.’ But he didn’t want to.

“N-no- I just…” Virgil groaned as Remus’ lips resumed their exploration. “I want this.” Remus’ face reappeared, a wolfish grin on his face.

“Good, little emo.” Their lips met in a soft, quick kiss. “Very good.”

Virgil woke up alone. This didn’t hurt (he swears he didn’t), Remus was a busy person, dammit. Despite how hard he tried, Virgil couldn’t avoid the dumb smile that split his face. Remus. He had… Did this mean he liked him? For once, Virgil’s mind wasn’t plagued by anxiety. For once, the crushing pain on his chest lifted.

“Hey Virge?” Patton knocked on his door. “You up?” Virgil, realising he was still naked (no, he did not blush {he did}) and quickly grabbed a shirt and a pair of boxers.

“Yeah, popstar, give me two seconds, I’m changing!” He grabbed his hoodie and his jeans and put them on quickly. He moved over to the door, swinging it open with a small smile. “Hey.” Patton smiled, holding up two plates.

“Everyone seems to have disappeared, so I was just coming round to see if you wanted to have dinner with me?” Virgil nodded.

“’course. Here or..?”

“I figured we could use the communal area, as long as we don’t spill it on the couch, Lo won’t know,” Patton said, giggling. The two synced out and synced back into the common room. “Movie?”

“Oh, hell yeah. We haven’t hung out in a while; we should make an evening of it.” Patton smiled so wide, cause Virgil to chuckle.

“Black Cauldron?” Virgil nodded at the two snuggled down. Midway through the movie, after the plates were pushed aside, Virgil glanced over at Patton, smiling. He blinked and for a second, he could’ve sworn he saw Janus, not Patton. He blinked, returning his eyes to his lap as a shame seemed to creep over him. The things he’d said and done to Janus… He moved his gaze from lap to the Tv. He would apologise, and maybe, just maybe, the other side would forgive him

The movie night ended later than expected. After Black Cauldron, they decided on Toy Story (Patton cried), then Brave (Virgil spoke in a Scottish accent until Patton cried laughing) and finally Moana (Virgil cried a little bit). It was late and Virgil knew he had to go to sleep. He had been hoping Remus would show up, but he knows he can’t get overly dependent on the creative side, it wouldn’t be healthy. So, he simply decided he would talk to him tomorrow. As they were retreating to their rooms, Patton pat him on the shoulder.

“I just wanted to say that I’m glad you seem a bit more relaxed-” (Virgil willed himself not to blush because he did not want to explain that) “- but I wanted to let you know that if you ever need me, I’m here to talk.” Virgil nodded. Patton smiled, beginning to walk away.

“Hey Pat?” Patton turned around. “You and Janus are… a thing, right?” Patton tensed slightly, preparing himself for where this might go. “I just… god that sounds condescending. I wanted to tell you that…” Virgil took a deep breath, taking Patton’s outstretched hands, squeezing them slightly. “I wanted to let you know that I’m really happy for you.” Patton’s eyes filled with tears and even Virgil couldn’t resist pulling him into a hug. It was warm and sweet.

“I- Thank you, Virgil!” Virgil smiled.

“It’s the least I can do, Popstar.”

The next morning, Virgil felt like a man on a mission. He would find Remus and they would talk about… that night. He got dressed, put on his make up before heading to the common room. Logan was already there, reading a book. Virgil smiled at him before going to get a cup of coffee.

“You’re up unusually early, Virgil,” Logan said. “Did you actually wake up early or did you never go to sleep?”

“Nah, I slept, I’ve just got something I needed to do today, so I guess I couldn’t sleep in.”

“Oh, something important? If so maybe talking to someone or, as the ‘youths’ would put it, spilling the tea, might help you come up with a plan to achieve said mission.” Virgil chuckled at him slightly before going over to the couch, carrying a mug for himself and Logan.

“Uh, I wanted to talk to Remus actually. I slept in late yesterday, so I didn’t see him. I was just gonna ask him something,” Virgil said.

“if knowing his location helps, he is in my room.” Virgil choked on his coffee. “Or at least, he was when I awoke.”

“Sorry,” Virgil said, coughing and wiping up the spilt coffee. “Did he sleep over…? I didn’t realise you were that close of friends.”

“Well, we’re all factors of Thomas’ mind. He said I needed to relax, which honestly was a little rude,” Logan said and alarm bells started going off in Virgil’s head. “So we, uhm, had intercourse.”

Sometimes, there’s moments where you can actually feel everything crashing around you. All the ideas and notions, crashing and shattering. Like a broken mirror, or a broken heart.

Logan’s mouth was moving but Virgil couldn’t hear him and he was beginning to blur due to the tears in his eyes.

‘I’m so stupid.’ Virgil couldn’t move. He couldn’t feel his limbs. ‘I’m so stupid. Why would he ever… Of course, he didn’t like me. He was just taking one for the team.’

“Virgil, why are you crying? Has something happened or are you experiencing a panic attack?” He could hear more voices, as more people came into the room, but he couldn’t decipher one from the other.

‘I’m so pathetic. Why are you surprised? of course he doesn’t like you. He barely tolerates you. You are-’

“What’s got the emo so upset?” Virgil’s eyes, almost subconsciously, locked with Remus’. There was no glint, no warmth. They were just eyes. He never realised just how stupid he could be.

Without a word and without explanation, he sunk out, his mug slipping out of his hand and smashing to the ground. He moved to his room, closing the door, and locking it, letting the tears fall. The dark cloud was surrounding him. He deserved this. He moved to his bed, ignoring the knocking at the shouting. He sobbed, letting all of his emotions out.

Of course, Remus would never love him. He was too emotional. He was too anxious. And he had hurt Remus. He didn’t deserve it.

Lying in his bed, his pillow wet with tears and snot, he realised that he was just unlovable.