13.08.21

13.08.21

Well, technically the 14th since I got up at 2am. Pictured above are Cassiopeia, Perseus, probably part of Andromeda, Triangulum, and part of Auriga. Listened to Claire de Lune; Moonlight Sonata (1st Movement); Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake, Op. 20, Act 2: Scene (Moderato); Nocturne No. 2 in E-Flat Major; Near Light; Gymnopédie No. 1; and the episode entitled Capacity for Wonder in John Green’s The Anthropocene Reviewed. In the hour that I was out, I saw at least 42 meteors: a number obtained through a bit of selective counting. At one point I just stopped to take it all in.

“That, then, is loveliness, we said,/ Children in wonder watching the stars,/ Is the aim at the end.” —Dylan Thomas, Being But Men

I feel stuck. I’m making great progress. I’m losing my mind, I’m doing so much better than before. I love studying. I want to drop out and move to the countryside. I’ve got it all figured out. I feel completely lost.

22.09.21

I’m My place is still a mess, so meet my houseplants. At the top we have Ivy and Pearl, my two old girls. Next up is Peter Planter, my spider plant. Phil—short not for Philodendron, but Philoctetes. Lastly, my snake plant Loki. Practical as Loki was a shapeshifter in mythology, hilarious because “mbleurgh it’s me!” Also, Loki currently has four children on the way: Jörmungandr, Fenrir, Sleipnir, and Hel.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” —Annie Dillard

Another productive day, but not so much as it could have been. I’ve been thinking about things.

“You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something you produce.” —Hank Green

I have a lot to do, but not so much so that I feel I couldn’t do more. I want to study for my French quiz and write my essay outline. I want to make flashcards for Spanish and French and rewrite all my notes then type them too. I want to do all my readings twice over and take detailed notes and stay up late and wake up early. I want to be the best I could be, given infinite time and space to learn and grow because I feel the weight of human imperfection and mortality. I want too much. And I know this. And it doesn’t make me want any less.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” —Stephen Chbosky

me: im giving up *still has hope*

12.09.21

A well-earned—so I must remind myself ad nauseum—relaxing weekend, one of the last I may see for a while now as I become caught up with the momentum of my classes. I set up my new bookshelf, now home to a plant and some books I found at a local used bookstore. I’m hoping to bring the rest of my favourites from home (is here supposed to be home now?) in a couple of weeks.

On another note—no apology will be given for the delight that is my own organic humour—I’m nearing the end of River Flows in You. It has been a drawn out process, but more in the sense of savouring, or so my nostalgic mind tells me.

I may be gone for a while. I’m not sure, more so than usual. I will be back. Until then, I hope you find what you need, if not what you’re looking for.

You’re still here? It’s over, go home.

Go!

Not to be furiously antimodern but like. Existence has meaning