For Someone Like Myself In Whom The Ability To Trust Others Is So Cracked And Broken That I Am Wretchedly

For someone like myself in whom the ability to trust others is so cracked and broken that I am wretchedly timid and am forever trying to read the expression on people’s faces…

Dazai Osamu, No Longer Human

The Day I Picked Up Dazai - Side A (2)

Links to Parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Final

Continuation from Part 1.

This is from Side A of the Dazai novel which was given out as free bonus for those who come to the cinema to watch the BEAST live action movie in Japan.

Please carefully read the notes below before progressing.

- This post contains spoilers. It is not a summary, but a full translation of one part of novel. So if you plan to read the novel later yourself and think this would ruin your expectation, please stop here.

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I'm sorry if that's too much but honestly all I want is for everyone to have a good experience, for those who wants to read the novels to be able to read the novels, and for those who don't want to be spoiled, to be safe from it as much as possible.

If you have read and are okay with all the above, please continue to move forward and enjoy the novel. Have a good day!

...

Dazai is a strange guy in every possible way.

His eyes remind me of a burnt black cat, his build reminds me of a burnt black cat, his presence reminds me of a burnt black cat. He has a tone that sinks into the abyss of the spirit, and deep, dark eyes that seem to hold the conviction that the sun will never rise again. He is a man of few words. And his voice has the sound of severance that rejects mutual understanding from the very beginning. No one could understand him. No one ever will. And he himself knows that very well. That kind of voice.

It seems true that he wants to die. It seems that all the value standards of living reflected in his eyes are just as worthless and ugly as scrap iron. I don’t understand why. Perhaps the day when I understand will never come. He seems to know that too.

That is why he wants to go outside. The only way to quickly end the pain of his wounds and achieve his desired “big sleep” is to leave my house. However, he is even cut off from death, because I prevent him from escaping.

And that is when Dazai decides to complain about my existence to the very end. He actually has a lot of complaints, about meals, sleep, and other pastimes. One after another, he will find faults in my nursing, criticize, and roast me in the most disparaging way possible. There is nothing that can escape his criticism. He is simply a tyrant. I could have whimpered like a nine-year-old girl.

However, I am actually fine. Because I know that Dazai’s criticism is nothing more than an act he put on to serve his purpose. To discourage me. To depress me through and through, until I’m sick of him and kick him out of my door like I don’t care anymore. That will be his victory. So, I am fine, no matter what I am told. In reality, he must have been very impressed with my proper and adequate nursing.

For example, it goes like this.

“Hey you! The porridge is hot. I can’t eat it like this!”

“Hey, it’s really too hot. You know I can’t use my hands because I’m tied up right?? No no, I told you. Stop forcing it into my mouth… It’s hot! It’s hottttt!”

“I’m eating, I’m eating! Don’t bring another one! Arghhh! Wait… can’t move…. Gyaaahhh!! It’s in my eye! It hurts! It’s hot!! It hurts!!!!!”

“Come on. The toilet is limited to twice a day? Do something about that, won’t you? Even Port Mafia’s prisoners have a little more freedom.”

“Hey, I told you to deal with the boredom, but reading books to me? It’s not something you do with someone this age, you know? And it’s all the same book. And it doesn’t have the last few pages so I don’t even know the ending! Is this torture? A new type of torture?”

Very realistic acting.

I ignore him and just continue with my nursing.

My dedication pays off. After a few days, the young man’s eyes are all dead and exhausted. He speaks in a faint voice.

“I can’t… get through to him. This guy… He is a natural airhead.”

I don’t really understand what he means by it, but after that, Dazai has become more obedient to what I say.

From then on, Dazai changes his strategy. Instead of complaining about the daily nursing, he starts to make very specific demands about food, especially the ingredients. I suppose he wants me to give up. But I am a man of patience and consistency. And I am also a practical person who believes that someone whose hands are wrapped around like that needs a proper distraction. I then become an amiable cook.

His first request is for pufferfish’s organ sashimi. That is a rare ingredient. I go to the fish market to look for it, but the owner there tells me, “Are you stupid or what?” so I give up. Next is grilled amanita virosa. It is a kind of mushroom. The white and beautiful one I heard. This time, I also walk around the mountain to search but I can’t find any. Since the locals never eat this type of mushroom, I thought there should be quite some left in the mountain. What a pity. When I end up serving him the stir-fried dish made from the wild vegetables I happen to find on the way back from my search, Dazai looks at me with grudgeful eyes as if he is going to kill me, while saying “It’s delicious.”

The last dish is potato sprout salad. This one is just ingredients, so it is easy to get. However, I don’t have enough time to wait for them to sprout and get enough of them, so I have no choice but to serve them to him as a sandwich, instead of a salad. Dazai is strangely happy to eat it, but later that night he vomits a lot, while writhing in pain “It is not enough…!” To want to eat something even if it makes him vomit like that, he must like it a lot. It is a moment of hard work paid off for me.

(TN: In case you haven't realized it, everything Dazai requested above is super poisonous and can kill you if you eat them. xD)

On another day, I got this kind of complaint.

“You know, I understand very well that you don’t have any other intention rather than treating me.” Dazai says, flapping his two arms that have finally become free. By the way, his two legs are still tied to the bed. “But I have too much free time! No reading, no phone calls, no video or radio broadcast whatsoever, only some music from those records! I have memorized so many songs that I can start performing tomorrow. You really don’t have anything else? Any real entertainment?”

“No.”

“What’s with the immediate answer…? What on earth do you usually do living in this house?”, Dazai looks at me with a frightened face.

“Then how about playing a game?” I sit down on the chair in the room. “The people who lived in this house before happen to leave behind a deck of cards.”

“I know. It was left on the bookshelf.” Dazai makes a suspicious face. “But I’m not ten years old. Playing cards alone doesn’t make an entertainment at all.”

“I see… Then let’s bet on something?” I says as I take the cards out of the box.

For a second, Dazai’s eyes shine sharply like a blade. “Hmm. But do you even have anything to bet on? You don’t look like you have that much money.”

It is true. I don’t have that much money.

“Then how about this?”, I take out a chess board from the shelf and place sixteen white pieces and sixteen black pieces in front of us. “These are going to be our chips. We will play poker with them as our stakes. Texas Hold’em Heads Up rule. Opening bet is one piece. There is no upper limit. If you manage to win my whole bankroll of sixteen pieces, I will give you the right to freely leave this house.”

“Eh?” Dazai narrows his eyes. “Are you sure about that? You have quite some confidence there. So what if you win? Should I give you all my hidden assets too?”

“There is no point in using something that is not here right now, as I have no way to confirm things like your assets and such.”

“These fake notes then…”

“I absolutely don’t need that.” I push back the wad of notes that Dazai just takes out. “Let’s see. How about revealing one of your secrets every time you lose sixteen pieces?”

“Secret?” Dazai chuckles. “You did give it some thought, didn’t you?”

That is a suggestion based on my selfish calculation.

The problem now is that there is a chance Dazai will come back for revenge after he is healed and released from here. And there is nothing I can do to prevent that. There is no wall in this world that can resist the fierce retaliation of the Port Mafia. I need some kind of insurance. At least something that looks like an insurance. If I can get just a little bit of information about this identity, his secrets, his intentions, it can be helpful in preventing that to happen. Of course, even if I hear his secrets now, there is no way for me to confirm them. That is why it’s only for the ease of mind. If I can get more than one secret out of him, that ease will deepen somewhat.

“Haha, interesting. You are thinking of taking a bunch of secrets from me?” Dazai smiles a distorted smile. “It has been so long, since someone has been so determined to win against me.”

“I’m glad you got in the mood.” I say as I deal the cards. “Ready?”

“Anytime you wish.”

Two cards are dealt in front of me and two cards in front of Dazai, all facing down. Before I deal the next card, Dazai says, “You seem like a fair person. So, I will tell you a trick.”

“Trick?”

“The one who suggested this game were you, but the one who guided you to it was me.” Dazai looks at me with deep tranquil eyes. “I already confirmed that there were playing cards on the shelf, and there seemed to be nothing else to pass the time. We both had little to bet. It was obvious that we would settle with the conclusion that we should bet on my freedom. If it were another conclusion, I would just make a bigger fuss. And just like that I was able to draw out the game I desired from you.”

“I see.” I stare at the expression on his face. “Then it means you also expect to win?”

“Yeah.” Dazai says with a smile that seems to glimmer in the darkness. “This kind of game, I have never lost once.”

There is no hint of bluff or humor. He is serious.

“That is why” Dazai says as he pushes the first bet piece forward. “You will not get to hear a single secret from me for eternity.”

30 minutes later.

“The passcode for Port Mafia’s emergency armed vault is…7280285E.”

Dazai speaks with his dead face on the desk.

“You have so many secrets.” I speak in admiration.

“Of course I do! I’m the head of the special force under Boss’s direct command.” Dazai bawls out. “Argggh what the heck is going on? There goes most of my personal information. It’s humiliating!!!”

This is the eighteenth game, and I have won all of them. His address, his subordinates’ skills, time of joining the Mafia, total amount of money he has on hand, what he does in the organization, his favorite food, location of secret vaults, the fact that his current boss called Mori was once an underground doctor etc.

All the eighteen secrets Dazai have told me are so out of the ordinary that I can’t help but believe he is really an important person in the Port Mafia. In fact, I probably have heard too much. There are not many people on earth who know the background of Port Mafia’s boss – Yokohama’s Taishan Fujun. (TN: Name of a God in China, who is said to be in charge of the life and death of mortal beings on earth) The number of people who are still alive after learning about that is a different story.

Dazai puts his face down on the desk in despair. He sure did have a lot of confidence.

“You… cheated, didn’t you?”

Dazai stares at me, his gaze as sticky as mud. I tilt my head.

“Cheated?”

“I noticed it halfway. That’s a skill. You used some kind of skills to foresee how the games will unfold. I let my guard down at first because I thought skills wouldn’t work on me. But if you have used your skill not on me, but on the place itself, then that would explain that disgusting foreseeing of yours.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to hide it.” I speak as I sort out the cards.

My skill allows me to look into the very near future. Not less than 5 seconds, not more than 6 seconds from the present. That’s why I am able to see everything, from the next development of the game, the next stake to be made, to the next card that will come out. On extremely rare occasions, during months when I am in a tight spot for money, I will go to the casino and use this skill of mine to grab some easy money and go home.

“It sure was not fair.” I honestly admit. “Just like you, I have never lost in this kind of gambling before. Let’s void this game. From the beginning, I just wanted to help you kill time.”

“We can’t void it!” Dazai looks at me with protesting eyes. “We can’t even if we want to! If what we bet on was money, you would just need to return it to me in full. But I gave you information! You know that you don’t lose information even if you return it, right? What else can you do? Can you completely forget everything that you have heard and seen at will?”

“If that is the only way, then I will try.”

“Hahhhh???” Dazai looks so tired. “Your jokes are not funny. After all, you are always saying them with a straight face. Somehow I can’t take them as jokes at all.”

I tilt my head. “I didn’t mean to make a joke though…”

“’kay kay.” Dazai turns to the side with a sulky face. “Argg damn it, Mori-san will scold me for leaking so many organization’s information.”

I give it some thoughts then ask, “Who is that… Mori-san?”

Dazai looks astonished. “You really… forgot it?”

…..

sometimes i remember

That one scene from "The Day I Picked Up Dazai"

To love someone is to put your life on the line. I don’t take it lightly.

Dazai Osamu, “Female” from Self Portraits

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