To Love Someone Is To Put Your Life On The Line. I Dont Take It Lightly.

To love someone is to put your life on the line. I don’t take it lightly.

Dazai Osamu, “Female” from Self Portraits

This is so GOOD! Thank you for this 🙏💕🩵 Can't wait to see more!!!!! 💝💖💗💓💞

PICK A CARD ⋆ the relationship with your fictional other

a fictional other is defined as: f/o usually stands for fictional other, which is a term often used by self-shippers, mainly on tumblr. you can have romantic, familial and platonic f/os.

· what would they think about you?

· what would your relationship be like?

reminder that this is a general reading and messages found here may not apply to everyone. take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and don't force anything if it does not fit.

BOOK A READING WITH ME · LINKTREE · 18+ PATREON · SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC · TIPS ♡ tips and feedback are highly appreciated!

the 18+ version of this PAC is on patreon!

GROUP ONE

cards · ace of swords, two of swords, the hanged man, page of pentacles, king of cups (reversed), ten of swords. 

channelled songs · i don’t care by 2ne1. blessed with a curse by bring me the horizon. far by sza. nobody by miraa may. 

my dear group one ♡ your fictional other would have an immediate attachment to you. they feel like they're surrounded by people who are somewhat inferior to them, unable to hold a proper conversation with them or talk to them as an equal would. they're someone who may thrive on intellectual conversation, which may be at odds with how people perceive them. 

i’m thinking of a character like asmodeus from obey me, so your fictional other may be seen as somewhat airheaded, unintelligent, and self-absorbed. people may not make an effort to connect with them or get to know them beyond the superficial or surface level. yet, right from the start, you treat them differently. you don’t treat them as stupid. you speak to them as an equal - enthusiastically conversing about a shared interest with ease or without putting on any airs. 

you may be one of the only people who your fictional other feels comfortable around. more than anything, as a friend. they always feel like people want something from them or are only getting close to them because of how much they desire them. but because of how you treat them from the beginning, they have a lot of respect for you and feel at home around you. 

this also brings us to what your relationship with your f/o would be like. 

your fictional other may see you as a close friend. actually, as their closest friend. even though this is not just friendship for you and you also have romantic feelings for them. 

you two will spend a lot of time together, with the people around you joking about how attached at the hip you are. and about how funny it is that your f/o has just adopted you as theirs. 

you will likely keep your romantic feelings a secret for the longest time because you don’t want to ruin the friendship. however, you will finally admit your feelings and end up pushing them away. far, far away. they will feel betrayed - as if they lost the only person they could really trust and be themselves with. this confession will also make them overthink your entire relationship and wonder how much of what you were doing was only because you had romantic feelings for them. 

GROUP TWO

cards · queen of pentacles, ace of pentacles, wheel of fortune, seven of cups, strength, the fool. 

channelled songs · lettera a mio padre by ermal meta. candy drip by lucky daye. whoa by rakiyah. heat lightning by mitski. 

my dear group two ♡ there may be an age gap between you and your fictional other - for some, i’m getting that this is thousands of years. i’m not all too familiar with baldur’s gate, but some of you may be reading this pac with astarion in mind (who, if google is to be trusted, is about 200 years old). 

your fictional other thinks of you as an incredibly grounded and mature person. they see you as a person with a good head on their shoulders, who can be relied upon, and who makes a good addition to any team. 

this idea of the team seems so important, as if your fictional other doesn’t really keep people around unless they can provide them with something useful. a skill or resource, or anything else that uplifts and serves a purpose in their life, and in the grander scheme of things. if they saw you as deadweight - no matter how much they’ve come to like you - they would probably leave you behind or go out of their way to teach you something useful. this, too, would depend on how much they actually like you and the potential they see in you. 

but that’s not something you have to worry about, because your fictional other already sees you as a major asset. they already see you as someone they not only want by their side but trust to have by their side.

the relationship between you and your fictional other is honestly so sexually charged, with your f/o seeing you as not only an attractive person but a highly sensual one. i won’t be going into detail about this, but if you’re interested in the sexual relationship between you and your fictional other, there is an 18+ extended version of this pac now up on my patreon!

but! anyway! your relationship with your fictional other may be complicated for some time. there may be this overwhelming sexual and romantic tension for some time - from the time you first meet - but the dynamic of the relationship or your fictional other’s own emotional invulnerability may be keeping them from progressing the relationship beyond this. 

your fictional other will, in many ways, favour you. keeping space for you, buying you things, cooking things just for you - all of these things that can be seen as just something you do for a friend but is inextricably tinged with unspoken desire and love when they are done for you by your fictional other.

GROUP THREE

cards · the fool, three of swords, queen of swords, three of cups, the world, two of swords. 

channelled songs · shrike by hozier. two hearts and no brain by kane strang. drumming song by florence + the machine. high highs to low lows by lolo zouai. 

my dear group three  ♡ your fictional other may be inexperienced where love is concerned, though they are quite cocky, flirtatious, and love the idea of love. someone like sanji from one piece actually comes to mind. this is someone who feels mentally and emotionally challenged by you - in particular, you challenge their idea and past approaches to love and relationship, as well as the ways in which they view themselves. 

honestly, i’m getting a lot of overwhelmingly sad energy for this group, with your fictional other often wondering if they are good enough for you. even just good enough to be around you. 

they see you as someone who is as free-spirited as you are disciplined. they see you as someone who is intelligent, talented and fiercely independent, and they fear that if you see them for who they are instead of who they pretend to be you will immediately dislike them and not want to be around them any longer. so your f/o may walk on eggshells around you, putting on a show as they always put on a show - because, then, you will want to stick around for longer. 

your fictional other may put you on a bit of a pedestal, though to an extent it may be that they have such a low view of themselves. 

for what this relationship itself will be like, it will be a lot of fun. but it will also be lacking in a lot of emotional connection - something which seems to be a purposeful decision on your fictional other’s part. they think that as long as you are always having fun and keeping busy you can have a good relationship without having to get too close. or, more specifically, without you having to get to know them too well. without you ever having to see the real them. 

they will likely keep you laughing, always telling jokes and doing things to keep you entertained. 

travel and adventure is so important to your relationship with your fictional other, with you hardly ever just having a normal day. with you hardly ever just having a day to do nothing or relax around doing nothing. you will both like it this way, though, in many ways chasing after this excitement - not just together but likely with a group of friends or close companions. 

GROUP FOUR

cards · six of wands, four of pentacles, ten of wands, king of pentacles, two of pentacles, death. 

channelled songs · skip skip by purple kiss. not friendly by flo milli. every other freckle by alt-j. budget by megan thee stallion & latto. 

my dear group four ♡ in the nicest way possible, your fictional other comes across as quite pathetic. they may be someone who throws money around in an attempt to buy affection or someone who uses money to make up for their perceived flaws. though, in the same vein, i don't see your f/o as someone who focuses too much on their flaws - in fact, they may think that they're perfect - they've just always been taught that money has more power than anything else. and, if they want something, they can just throw money at it and get it. 

but this does not work with you. no matter how much money they throw at you, you can't be bought or swayed, which, in and of itself makes them cling to you. 

they see you as someone who is overconfident. you may be similar in this regard, though they do not see themselves like this at all. to them, you are someone who could benefit from more money (or jewels or gifts) so they don’t understand why you won’t just accept the things they are giving you. 

it’s kind of funny, because it’s probably the first time your fictional other has even thought this much about another person in their whole life. thus, they feel kind of overwhelmed by it. they wonder if you’ve gone through some kind of childhood trauma that’s made you like this. you pique their interest and they want to know everything about you. 

saiko metori from the disastrous life of saiki k comes to mind, so that may be who some of you are reading this group for. 

your relationship with your fictional other may be… complicated. they may obsessively pursue you - half because they’re genuinely intrigued by you and want to be with you and half because they feel a desire to own you. this desire to own you is driven by their upbringing and values; these values that tell him if they like something that means they have to own it. 

you may be attracted to this fictional other or like them enough to be friends with them, but as you get to actually know them you may for a time try to put distance between you two. even if only to sort out your thoughts about this person, this relationship, and where you want this connection to go. 

this relationship may change drastically after you put this distance between you, as this sends the message to your f/o that you are not ashamed to set boundaries and stand on them. after this, they may try their best to listen to you and communicate with you as two equals instead of a rich kid and the person they’re trying to woo. though at times they are doing this in a more obviously begrudging manner just because they don’t want to put distance between you again. 

For someone like myself in whom the ability to trust others is so cracked and broken that I am wretchedly timid and am forever trying to read the expression on people’s faces…

Dazai Osamu, No Longer Human

Listen. LISTEN. “A life in which you have someone to say goodbye to is a good life. If your farewell to that person is very painful, there is nothing more to say.” The fact that it’s Dazai of all people saying this strikes me. Dazai is someone characterized by the fact that he does not see the value in living life. He does not find anything in the world to be worth living for. He’s tried to commit suicide time and time again because, to him, life simply offers nothing substantial enough to justify the experience of living it.

And yet. By saying those words, he implicitly tells Oda that his life was a good one. Not just passable, not just alright, not just tolerable, but good. His life was a good one because Oda is the person that he has to say goodbye to, because saying goodbye to Oda like this is very painful to him. Even though, in this universe, Oda hates him, even though Oda considers him an enemy, even though Oda says he has no right to call him ‘Odasaku’ - Dazai still says his life was a good one, simply because Oda existed in it.

The Day I Picked Up Dazai - Side A (2)

Links to Parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Final

Continuation from Part 1.

This is from Side A of the Dazai novel which was given out as free bonus for those who come to the cinema to watch the BEAST live action movie in Japan.

Please carefully read the notes below before progressing.

- This post contains spoilers. It is not a summary, but a full translation of one part of novel. So if you plan to read the novel later yourself and think this would ruin your expectation, please stop here.

· I tried to keep the translation as accurate as possible, but as I don't speak English or Japanese as my native language, I may make some mistakes or use weird words etc. This translation might not be final. I may come back and fix it later if I find any mistakes.

· This is a moviegoers-only benefit, so please be extra careful when discussing it about on Twitter. Use a #spoiler tag on your tweets or your fanarts. You can share the links to this post but don't take many screenshots.

· Don’t retranslate it. [UPDATE MAY 9, 2023] You can retranslate it but please keep in mind that my translation is not perfect and some meanings will be lost through re-translation. If you are not sure about the meaning at any part, please let me know! Don’t repost this translation anywhere else out of Tumblr.

· DON’T GO TO THE AUTHORS’ OR OFFICIAL TWITTERS TO COMMENT ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF IT.

I'm sorry if that's too much but honestly all I want is for everyone to have a good experience, for those who wants to read the novels to be able to read the novels, and for those who don't want to be spoiled, to be safe from it as much as possible.

If you have read and are okay with all the above, please continue to move forward and enjoy the novel. Have a good day!

...

Dazai is a strange guy in every possible way.

His eyes remind me of a burnt black cat, his build reminds me of a burnt black cat, his presence reminds me of a burnt black cat. He has a tone that sinks into the abyss of the spirit, and deep, dark eyes that seem to hold the conviction that the sun will never rise again. He is a man of few words. And his voice has the sound of severance that rejects mutual understanding from the very beginning. No one could understand him. No one ever will. And he himself knows that very well. That kind of voice.

It seems true that he wants to die. It seems that all the value standards of living reflected in his eyes are just as worthless and ugly as scrap iron. I don’t understand why. Perhaps the day when I understand will never come. He seems to know that too.

That is why he wants to go outside. The only way to quickly end the pain of his wounds and achieve his desired “big sleep” is to leave my house. However, he is even cut off from death, because I prevent him from escaping.

And that is when Dazai decides to complain about my existence to the very end. He actually has a lot of complaints, about meals, sleep, and other pastimes. One after another, he will find faults in my nursing, criticize, and roast me in the most disparaging way possible. There is nothing that can escape his criticism. He is simply a tyrant. I could have whimpered like a nine-year-old girl.

However, I am actually fine. Because I know that Dazai’s criticism is nothing more than an act he put on to serve his purpose. To discourage me. To depress me through and through, until I’m sick of him and kick him out of my door like I don’t care anymore. That will be his victory. So, I am fine, no matter what I am told. In reality, he must have been very impressed with my proper and adequate nursing.

For example, it goes like this.

“Hey you! The porridge is hot. I can’t eat it like this!”

“Hey, it’s really too hot. You know I can’t use my hands because I’m tied up right?? No no, I told you. Stop forcing it into my mouth… It’s hot! It’s hottttt!”

“I’m eating, I’m eating! Don’t bring another one! Arghhh! Wait… can’t move…. Gyaaahhh!! It’s in my eye! It hurts! It’s hot!! It hurts!!!!!”

“Come on. The toilet is limited to twice a day? Do something about that, won’t you? Even Port Mafia’s prisoners have a little more freedom.”

“Hey, I told you to deal with the boredom, but reading books to me? It’s not something you do with someone this age, you know? And it’s all the same book. And it doesn’t have the last few pages so I don’t even know the ending! Is this torture? A new type of torture?”

Very realistic acting.

I ignore him and just continue with my nursing.

My dedication pays off. After a few days, the young man’s eyes are all dead and exhausted. He speaks in a faint voice.

“I can’t… get through to him. This guy… He is a natural airhead.”

I don’t really understand what he means by it, but after that, Dazai has become more obedient to what I say.

From then on, Dazai changes his strategy. Instead of complaining about the daily nursing, he starts to make very specific demands about food, especially the ingredients. I suppose he wants me to give up. But I am a man of patience and consistency. And I am also a practical person who believes that someone whose hands are wrapped around like that needs a proper distraction. I then become an amiable cook.

His first request is for pufferfish’s organ sashimi. That is a rare ingredient. I go to the fish market to look for it, but the owner there tells me, “Are you stupid or what?” so I give up. Next is grilled amanita virosa. It is a kind of mushroom. The white and beautiful one I heard. This time, I also walk around the mountain to search but I can’t find any. Since the locals never eat this type of mushroom, I thought there should be quite some left in the mountain. What a pity. When I end up serving him the stir-fried dish made from the wild vegetables I happen to find on the way back from my search, Dazai looks at me with grudgeful eyes as if he is going to kill me, while saying “It’s delicious.”

The last dish is potato sprout salad. This one is just ingredients, so it is easy to get. However, I don’t have enough time to wait for them to sprout and get enough of them, so I have no choice but to serve them to him as a sandwich, instead of a salad. Dazai is strangely happy to eat it, but later that night he vomits a lot, while writhing in pain “It is not enough…!” To want to eat something even if it makes him vomit like that, he must like it a lot. It is a moment of hard work paid off for me.

(TN: In case you haven't realized it, everything Dazai requested above is super poisonous and can kill you if you eat them. xD)

On another day, I got this kind of complaint.

“You know, I understand very well that you don’t have any other intention rather than treating me.” Dazai says, flapping his two arms that have finally become free. By the way, his two legs are still tied to the bed. “But I have too much free time! No reading, no phone calls, no video or radio broadcast whatsoever, only some music from those records! I have memorized so many songs that I can start performing tomorrow. You really don’t have anything else? Any real entertainment?”

“No.”

“What’s with the immediate answer…? What on earth do you usually do living in this house?”, Dazai looks at me with a frightened face.

“Then how about playing a game?” I sit down on the chair in the room. “The people who lived in this house before happen to leave behind a deck of cards.”

“I know. It was left on the bookshelf.” Dazai makes a suspicious face. “But I’m not ten years old. Playing cards alone doesn’t make an entertainment at all.”

“I see… Then let’s bet on something?” I says as I take the cards out of the box.

For a second, Dazai’s eyes shine sharply like a blade. “Hmm. But do you even have anything to bet on? You don’t look like you have that much money.”

It is true. I don’t have that much money.

“Then how about this?”, I take out a chess board from the shelf and place sixteen white pieces and sixteen black pieces in front of us. “These are going to be our chips. We will play poker with them as our stakes. Texas Hold’em Heads Up rule. Opening bet is one piece. There is no upper limit. If you manage to win my whole bankroll of sixteen pieces, I will give you the right to freely leave this house.”

“Eh?” Dazai narrows his eyes. “Are you sure about that? You have quite some confidence there. So what if you win? Should I give you all my hidden assets too?”

“There is no point in using something that is not here right now, as I have no way to confirm things like your assets and such.”

“These fake notes then…”

“I absolutely don’t need that.” I push back the wad of notes that Dazai just takes out. “Let’s see. How about revealing one of your secrets every time you lose sixteen pieces?”

“Secret?” Dazai chuckles. “You did give it some thought, didn’t you?”

That is a suggestion based on my selfish calculation.

The problem now is that there is a chance Dazai will come back for revenge after he is healed and released from here. And there is nothing I can do to prevent that. There is no wall in this world that can resist the fierce retaliation of the Port Mafia. I need some kind of insurance. At least something that looks like an insurance. If I can get just a little bit of information about this identity, his secrets, his intentions, it can be helpful in preventing that to happen. Of course, even if I hear his secrets now, there is no way for me to confirm them. That is why it’s only for the ease of mind. If I can get more than one secret out of him, that ease will deepen somewhat.

“Haha, interesting. You are thinking of taking a bunch of secrets from me?” Dazai smiles a distorted smile. “It has been so long, since someone has been so determined to win against me.”

“I’m glad you got in the mood.” I say as I deal the cards. “Ready?”

“Anytime you wish.”

Two cards are dealt in front of me and two cards in front of Dazai, all facing down. Before I deal the next card, Dazai says, “You seem like a fair person. So, I will tell you a trick.”

“Trick?”

“The one who suggested this game were you, but the one who guided you to it was me.” Dazai looks at me with deep tranquil eyes. “I already confirmed that there were playing cards on the shelf, and there seemed to be nothing else to pass the time. We both had little to bet. It was obvious that we would settle with the conclusion that we should bet on my freedom. If it were another conclusion, I would just make a bigger fuss. And just like that I was able to draw out the game I desired from you.”

“I see.” I stare at the expression on his face. “Then it means you also expect to win?”

“Yeah.” Dazai says with a smile that seems to glimmer in the darkness. “This kind of game, I have never lost once.”

There is no hint of bluff or humor. He is serious.

“That is why” Dazai says as he pushes the first bet piece forward. “You will not get to hear a single secret from me for eternity.”

30 minutes later.

“The passcode for Port Mafia’s emergency armed vault is…7280285E.”

Dazai speaks with his dead face on the desk.

“You have so many secrets.” I speak in admiration.

“Of course I do! I’m the head of the special force under Boss’s direct command.” Dazai bawls out. “Argggh what the heck is going on? There goes most of my personal information. It’s humiliating!!!”

This is the eighteenth game, and I have won all of them. His address, his subordinates’ skills, time of joining the Mafia, total amount of money he has on hand, what he does in the organization, his favorite food, location of secret vaults, the fact that his current boss called Mori was once an underground doctor etc.

All the eighteen secrets Dazai have told me are so out of the ordinary that I can’t help but believe he is really an important person in the Port Mafia. In fact, I probably have heard too much. There are not many people on earth who know the background of Port Mafia’s boss – Yokohama’s Taishan Fujun. (TN: Name of a God in China, who is said to be in charge of the life and death of mortal beings on earth) The number of people who are still alive after learning about that is a different story.

Dazai puts his face down on the desk in despair. He sure did have a lot of confidence.

“You… cheated, didn’t you?”

Dazai stares at me, his gaze as sticky as mud. I tilt my head.

“Cheated?”

“I noticed it halfway. That’s a skill. You used some kind of skills to foresee how the games will unfold. I let my guard down at first because I thought skills wouldn’t work on me. But if you have used your skill not on me, but on the place itself, then that would explain that disgusting foreseeing of yours.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to hide it.” I speak as I sort out the cards.

My skill allows me to look into the very near future. Not less than 5 seconds, not more than 6 seconds from the present. That’s why I am able to see everything, from the next development of the game, the next stake to be made, to the next card that will come out. On extremely rare occasions, during months when I am in a tight spot for money, I will go to the casino and use this skill of mine to grab some easy money and go home.

“It sure was not fair.” I honestly admit. “Just like you, I have never lost in this kind of gambling before. Let’s void this game. From the beginning, I just wanted to help you kill time.”

“We can’t void it!” Dazai looks at me with protesting eyes. “We can’t even if we want to! If what we bet on was money, you would just need to return it to me in full. But I gave you information! You know that you don’t lose information even if you return it, right? What else can you do? Can you completely forget everything that you have heard and seen at will?”

“If that is the only way, then I will try.”

“Hahhhh???” Dazai looks so tired. “Your jokes are not funny. After all, you are always saying them with a straight face. Somehow I can’t take them as jokes at all.”

I tilt my head. “I didn’t mean to make a joke though…”

“’kay kay.” Dazai turns to the side with a sulky face. “Argg damn it, Mori-san will scold me for leaking so many organization’s information.”

I give it some thoughts then ask, “Who is that… Mori-san?”

Dazai looks astonished. “You really… forgot it?”

…..

That one scene from "The Day I Picked Up Dazai"