"I Am Not Well; I Could Have Built The Pyramids With The Effort It Takes Me To Cling On To Life And Reason."

"I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason."

Franz Kafka, Letters to Felize

depression is best articulated as loneliness imo. its cold and isolating, unrelentless in its ignorance of reality. in moments of clarity, i am able to feel the love my friends so readily give me. but most the time i am alone. i long for what i have.

my identity as being a lesbian is always at strife with that of being a woman. not for my attraction to women, but rather my lack thereof in regards to men. why must womanhood be so fundamentally male-centric that it's antithesis is love?

its oftentimes difficult to articulate my experiences when the words i use to define them are so vast. like how do i explain that the panic attacks i experience are completely different than that i often see represented by media and others' anecdotes?

this is not benifited by the seperate issue that my panic attacks are so severe i don't remember them. i can only recollect the sensation of coming back to myself. the paranoid delusions, all-encompassing immobilization, lightheadedness, sweat, irregular heartbeat, paresthesia, etc etc are not properly indicitive of my attacks.

i pathologize my identity, transform my experiences into a catalog of symptoms, so maybe you'll understand. i need help.

i used to expend so much energy fretting about my identity. it took too many late nights and early mornings to reach the revelation that being myself is inherent to the act of existing. just by being, im me!!

if you have reason to write notes you have reason to stay !!