"I Am Not Well; I Could Have Built The Pyramids With The Effort It Takes Me To Cling On To Life And Reason."

"I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason."

Franz Kafka, Letters to Felize

looking back through my notes app rn and reading all the words/phrases i furiously scribbled into rememberance. their once inherent meaning is now incomprehensible, lost upon time, but maybe thats why they feel so potent to me.

i will never again understand why 'a candle burning on both ends' was so integral to me at one point or why articulating 'empty ideals' felt like finding a lost piece of my identity. i remember why i wrote '22' (on a particularly miserable tuesday, i was struck by how beautiful it is to depend on having a future. someday i will be 22 and so forth) but i will never again be capable of understanding why this affected me so deeply.

isnt impermanence so beautiful?

its oftentimes difficult to articulate my experiences when the words i use to define them are so vast. like how do i explain that the panic attacks i experience are completely different than that i often see represented by media and others' anecdotes?

this is not benifited by the seperate issue that my panic attacks are so severe i don't remember them. i can only recollect the sensation of coming back to myself. the paranoid delusions, all-encompassing immobilization, lightheadedness, sweat, irregular heartbeat, paresthesia, etc etc are not properly indicitive of my attacks.

i pathologize my identity, transform my experiences into a catalog of symptoms, so maybe you'll understand. i need help.

obsessed rn with the notion that a tree was planted the day i was born. i imagine a lofty redwood (already 65 ft!) imbued with ambitions of touching the sky. protected by lush canopy, it has been weathered by neither neither time nor circumstance. it is sturdy and, when it sways in the wind, it never anticipates plummeting onto the rocky terrain below. we are diametrically different, but we have grown together. idk i just find that so comforting!!

i seek solace in articulation. verbalizing abstract thoughts is one of lifes greatest pleasures imo! diaries, this blog lol, essays, etc i love it all

"we're not out of the tunnel yet, i bet you though theres an end"

is a lyric to 'i will,' a song that captures the beautiful intersection of longing and comfort. mitski wrote it from the prospective of a lover caring for her, comforting her with the words she yearns to hear. this allows its calming prose to be contrasted by an underlying sense of unfufillment.

for many years, i recited this lyric in search of reasurement. it lent me solace and hope for a better future. but what differentiates that perfect future from the present? what was i hoping for?

i eventually came to the realization that i was wishing my life away by continuously waiting for the mundane to be transformed into a magical utopia. i desired to be rid of negative emotions entirely, and would only escape the tunnel by being unequivocally and continuously gratified.

so, i redefined my tunnel!!

i now characterize being out of the tunnel as staying afloat. i allow myself to live in the present and experience a vast array of emotions w/o shame. my only guideline is that i do not drown.

tldr; do not force your values to become fixed. nothing is permant, allow yourself to redefine your tunnels!!