Actually Depressed - Tumblr Posts
I just realized that I made it. I'm 18. I didn't let my dark and intrusive thoughts take over my mind. I am actually still alive. I am alive. Three weeks until my last exams before I can finally leave high school. I'm actually 18. I didn't commit su1c!de... I made it... It's... Woah. I never thought I'd be able to make it, I've never been able to think myself growing up past 16... And now I'm 18? Like, actually 18?? I am so proud of myself
Oh, and I'm crying too
Back in the spiral again, back in the ever gaping hole in my stomch while all I eat get stuck in my body, back with dark thoughts and the craved violence, back in the self destructive pulsions, back in the sadness, back in needing the tears, the sobs, the lack of breath, the breaking up and putting myself back together, back in wishing my disapearance, back in thinking my friends don't need me, back thinking my loss would be nothing to the people that love me.
Back in wishing my mother never gave birth to me.
Being bipolar be like *triggers manic episode* *accused of faking* *surfeit of withdrawal symptoms when skipping meds* *feeling humiliated in the aftermath of all the stupid shit you’ve done in public* *sleeping for 15+ hours straight when depressed* *threats from everyone to be hospitalized*
In my tragic heart, there’s nothing more disgusting than this depression
I wish you knew how much of a horrible person you were towards me; I wish you knew how much of a horrible person you continue to be.
All you people know is how to hurt me in irreparable ways
My friends really have that “go be sad somewhere else” vibe
Having a life-threatening mental illness and med non-compliance or complacency with taking meds has got to be one of the top worst combinations ever wtf
Friendship Things That Hurt :(
-when you arent invited to your friends birthday party
-when your friends don't ask you to hang out with them
-seeing pictures of your friends having a great time hanging out together without you
-your friend posting a collage of a bunch of their friends on their story, but you aren't included
-when your best friend isn't best friends with you
-when all of your friends seem to be closer with each other than you are with them
-when you start to not know what to talk about
-when you try to talk about things you like, but end up feeling judged
-when none of your friends reach out to you or even notice when you're too depressed to talk to them as much as you used to
-when you feel like all your friends are leaving you
-when you fall into depression and see yourself leaving your friends and the guilt that you carry with you about that
-the fear of never being able to connect with real people as strongly as you're able to connect with fictional characters
-when two of your friends have a falling out and you're left having to pick a side
-looking back at the happy memories you had with your old friends and wondering where the fuck it all went wrong
-the struggle to know how close you even are with your friends
I hate what they did to me. I hate that they've changed me. That there are things I say and do that are still tied to them and their abuse.
I want to be free of them, but their mark has been made. I can't get their hands off of me.
Everyday I fight the urge to ask "are u mad at me?" And I am not wining 😔
I wish I had a better reason to kill myself. Something poetic, someone waiting for me in the after life maybe
Something meaningful
Something that wouldn't feel as pathetic & pitiful.
Quiet and forgettable
What level of confidence/delusional behaviour is it to be in bed, with an adult man holding you, and sleeping on your shoulder while scrolling sh/ed posts on Twitter?
How to ask my friends if they'd be mad at me if I kill3d myself, without worrying or upsetting them
Knowing I can never be pure again. Knowing I can't escape him. His blood and mine run in the same family tree, he was in the hospital when I was born, we share the same birthday.
He is the reason; the catalyst for my life's brutal and deteriorating path.
Lmao I have a safety pin through my ear rn ★~(◡‿◡✿)
depression is best articulated as loneliness imo. its cold and isolating, unrelentless in its ignorance of reality. in moments of clarity, i am able to feel the love my friends so readily give me. but most the time i am alone. i long for what i have.