Its Oftentimes Difficult To Articulate My Experiences When The Words I Use To Define Them Are So Vast.

its oftentimes difficult to articulate my experiences when the words i use to define them are so vast. like how do i explain that the panic attacks i experience are completely different than that i often see represented by media and others' anecdotes?

this is not benifited by the seperate issue that my panic attacks are so severe i don't remember them. i can only recollect the sensation of coming back to myself. the paranoid delusions, all-encompassing immobilization, lightheadedness, sweat, irregular heartbeat, paresthesia, etc etc are not properly indicitive of my attacks.

i pathologize my identity, transform my experiences into a catalog of symptoms, so maybe you'll understand. i need help.

"I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason."

Franz Kafka, Letters to Felize

You are Spring.

the 'humanity is inherently evil' and 'the humanity is inherently pure' crowds both clamor for meaning when disposed to the 'humanity inherently has choices' mentality

my identity as being a lesbian is always at strife with that of being a woman. not for my attraction to women, but rather my lack thereof in regards to men. why must womanhood be so fundamentally male-centric that it's antithesis is love?

"we're not out of the tunnel yet, i bet you though theres an end"

is a lyric to 'i will,' a song that captures the beautiful intersection of longing and comfort. mitski wrote it from the prospective of a lover caring for her, comforting her with the words she yearns to hear. this allows its calming prose to be contrasted by an underlying sense of unfufillment.

for many years, i recited this lyric in search of reasurement. it lent me solace and hope for a better future. but what differentiates that perfect future from the present? what was i hoping for?

i eventually came to the realization that i was wishing my life away by continuously waiting for the mundane to be transformed into a magical utopia. i desired to be rid of negative emotions entirely, and would only escape the tunnel by being unequivocally and continuously gratified.

so, i redefined my tunnel!!

i now characterize being out of the tunnel as staying afloat. i allow myself to live in the present and experience a vast array of emotions w/o shame. my only guideline is that i do not drown.

tldr; do not force your values to become fixed. nothing is permant, allow yourself to redefine your tunnels!!