Me

Me

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Summary: You love him, but he's not yours to take.

Genre: yearning, angst, slow burn

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2.1 k

A/N: This is a sequel to You, but can also be read on its own. Let's consider it an anthology of longing. I would really love to hear what you think!

Read: You, Me, Us

°°°°°°°

Friends.

You used to be friends.

Exiting the back room, you were startled to find Kim Taehyung standing in the middle of your studio like a wraith. Deep down inside you knew this moment was a beautiful Fata Morgana - a wishful droplet of fresh water in an everlasting parched desert.

It was no secret that he had always been your muse - your fingers itched to grab your camera and capture this moment for eternity, but your heart told you to stay still and make it last.

There was a concept in science whereby observing the nature of an object changed the nature of the object itself. You believed Taehyung to be like this. If left alone, he was a beautiful creature immersed in his own fantastical thoughts, but once observed he changed into someone else entirely. Someone wondrous, nonetheless, but the Taehyung you loved best disappeared like a mirage. You dared not disturb the scene in front of you.

He walked around the room and stopped in front of a shelf full of old cameras. Slowly he lifted his hand and reached for the one marked by an orange scarf. His grandmother’s orange scarf, gifted to you in the spur of the moment on a chilly afternoon many years ago. It earned him quite the scolding, he used to lament.

Judging by the tender sorrow with which he gazed upon the scarf, you were sure he wouldn’t mind to hear his grandmother’s scolding again.

With a woeful heart you cleared your throat.

Taehyung’s demeanor immediately changed as he turned towards you. The sorrow was gone and his usual perky self returned.

“Hi,” he said with an almost bashful smile.

He was nervous you realized. Taehyung was never nervous.

“You can have it back if you want,” you said.

His smile was washed away by confusion.

“The scarf,” you clarified with a nod towards the camera in his hands.

His brows furrowed slightly as he looked down at the scarf.

“No,” he said, “it was a gift.”

Slowly, reluctantly, you crossed the room to stand in front of him. No matter how much you resisted, a gravitational force always pulled you back to him. He was a sun, bright and blazing, and you were Icarus, foolish enough to fly closer and closer until your wings melted and you crashed and burned.

With nimble hands you loosened the scarf from the camera and tied it around Taehyung’s neck. “Then wear it for today.” you said with a gentle voice, in an effort to soothe his nerves, “It’s a part of you.”

You could feel his eyes on you. When you looked up you were met by his unreadable gaze. Before you could try and decipher its true meaning it was gone again.

“Alright boss, you’re in charge today,” Taehyung said cheerily.

Your face shuttered at his sunny smile. This was the Taehyung you encountered most - cheerful, happy, carefree - smooth and polished like ice cold marble. You hated these moments, for they reminded you that the Taehyung you loved most was ephemeral and any delusion to believe otherwise was a cunning lie to yourself.

“So what are we shooting today?” he asked, completely unaware of the raging war you waged against yourself.

“You,” you said.

“Me?” Taehyung asked in an amused tone.

You guided him to a table covered with prints. “The working title of the book is ‘A Tale of Many Lives’. I really like how the photos came out so far, so I think I’ll probably stick with it,” you said while rummaging through a stack of pictures, “These two are my favorites.”

Taehyung took the two prints you held out for him. The first one radiated pure joy - sparkling eyes, a scrunched nose and a toothy smile. The second one you were especially proud of. It depicted a handsome face, almost if not equally as handsome as Taehyung’s, but it wasn’t the symmetry or physical beauty that caught your eye. His entire face was contorted with laughter, but his eyes were inexplicably sad. You remembered that particular moment, he tried to mask away the pain with a light-hearted jest.

You carefully observed his reaction. His eyes widened slightly as he examined the photographs. “How did you capture these?”

“I asked them to tell me a story about their life,” you said.

Taehyung gave you a doubtful look and said, “People don’t look like this just because they’re telling their life story.”

“I listened.”

At this Taehyung went silent and swallowed hard. His gaze fell back on the pictures; you could feel his nerves return. The desire to comfort him was strong, but you decidedly held back and kept your distance. A moth didn’t comfort a flame. A moth died in a flame.

Instead you said, “I thought we could shoot next to the window? The natural lighting is really beautiful today.”

His reverie broke and a strange smile spread across his face, it was almost wonky, as if his mind couldn’t decide which emotion to settle on.

A tiny unwanted seed of hope formed in your heart. You immediately buried it deep, where it could not be found.

“Okay, what do you need me to do? Do you want me to change into something else?” he asked.

“No, you’re fine just the way you are,” you said in response.

He truly was.

It wasn’t his fault, it never was his fault.

He once called you a hypocrite and in return you called him a coward. That was the end of your friendship.

His words kindled shame and disappointment. He thought you hated him, but in truth you hated yourself.

You sought true desires, true feelings, true intentions, but the moment his reality clashed with yours, you condemned him. He spoke the truth, you were a hypocrite.

Taehyung was a sun. Like a malnourished plant you stretched out your leaves and petals to bask in his light. But as with everything that is rooted firmly to the ground, your world was a well. It was ridiculous to believe he revolved around you. The sun didn’t need you, you needed the sun.

And as the seasons changed you learned what it meant to be dependent on it. Knowing its warmth only meant that its absence was infinitely colder. Snow fell, and the beautiful flowers you grew with much care painfully withered away to dust.

Looking at him was blinding, not just to your eyes but also to your mind. Taehyung liked to shine, but when he shined - buoyant, bright and breathtaking - it was difficult to see past anything else. His light reflected back an image, a seemingly beautiful reality, which in truth was nothing but a fleeting fantasy. It was why he was so good at his job. He made you believe.

It was never his fault. The sun shines bright for everyone, who were you to try and capture it? The sun did as it pleased, it was not yours to take. Reaching for it only meant you got burnt. So you shielded yourself from it.

Taehyung sat down on the stool placed in front of the window and looked at you with hesitant eyes. “So? What do I do?”

Today there was solemnity and vulnerability in the air, so different from the usual Kim Taehyung you worked with.

He was trying, you realized with a start, he was trying for you.

You took your time to think, busied yourself with a few test shots and adjusted the camera to the lighting.

If he was trying then the least you could do was to try as well.

“Tell me a story,” you finally said with a rare smile, “How is your day? What’s on your mind? Anything that you would like to tell me about your life.”

Taehyung fell into a pensive pout.

Click.

“I once had a friend,” he started, “a really fascinating friend whom I admired very much.”

“What fascinated you?” you asked.

“My friend’s dreams. They were the most colorful and vibrant dreams I ever encountered. It made me realize how small my world was and how much more there was to see,” he said with a hint of longing.

“That sounds like a good friend to have,” you said gently, as you froze the moment.

“Yes it was, but I lost that friend,” he continued and you felt your stomach drop, “I encountered other people with even more vibrant dreams and they told me how dull and boring my own were. So I started chasing new dreams. But do you know what the difference between those people and my friend was?”

He stared straight into your camera and waited for you to respond, when you didn’t he said, “My friend asked me to chase my own dreams, those people asked me to chase their dreams. It took me a long time to realize that I was trapped in someone else’s dream. But when I finally realized, my friend was gone.”

Your hands trembled, you knew you should say something, but the words couldn’t leave your lips. So you remained hidden behind your camera and did the only thing you knew how.

Click.

“Can I ask you a question?” he suddenly asked.

Please don’t, you thought. “Of course.”

“Why do you like shooting with me?” he asked.

That was not the question you expected. “Because you have an interesting face.”

Taehyung remained silent and waited for you to elaborate.

“The world is a stage to you and every day you decide anew which mask to wear and which role to play. Every day I see a different Kim Taehyung,” you said, at last lowering the camera. Taehyung’s jaw grew rigid. “But do you know the thing about people with masks? There’s always a point when they have to shed their masks. They return to who they were when they woke up in the morning and have to face themselves. At that tipping point truth stares back. Brief glimpses where people forget to hide themselves and there’s true pain, true shame, true joy, true pride. I think that’s when people are most beautiful - larger than life. That’s when you are most beautiful.”

The fire was traitorously disguising itself as sunshine, you were flying too high.

Taehyung stared at you with impenetrable eyes. “This means the thing you hate about me the most personally is the thing you love the most professionally?”

There was no adequate response, but he didn’t need you to respond. “Do you know why I like shooting with you?” he asked with a raspy voice, “You see things no one else does. You see colors no else can even fathom. I wish I could be a part of that world. Even the small glimpses you share make me feel more than I am.”

More than he was. You didn’t think you could handle more Taehyung.

He slowly rose from his stool and padded across the room. He wrapped his hands around your white knuckles which were painfully clutching your camera.

“You know they’re all me, right?” he said in an almost heartbreaking plea, “When you love someone you can’t pick and choose which parts you want to love.”

“I know,” you said looking down at your hands, “This is why I chose not to love you.”

The lie sat heavy on your tongue.

Taehyung let out a big, weary sigh. Then he returned to his seat.

His eyes were round and sad, defeated.

Click.

“I first knew I loved my friend when I realized I didn’t hate them for breaking my heart. That’s my story,” he concluded.

Click.

This Taehyung in front of you was truly beautiful. He was flawed, with edges and ridges, divots and folds. Complicated, layered, beyond expectations. You already grieved the moment he would disappear.

And then the truth came to you. This Taehyung was nothing but a figment trapped in your dreams. The real Taehyung wasn’t ephemeral, he was ever-changing. He never asked you to destroy yourself for him, he asked you to accept him for who he was.

Taehyung was nothing if not persistent. Taehyung was a sun. Every day he rose on your horizon. He didn’t bring inferno, he brought warmth and life.

You weren’t taking the sun, he was giving it to you. And after every day where you foolishly refused, he tried again.

“Kim Taehyung,” you said with clarity in your voice, your eyes and your heart, “Go out with me.”

<< Read 'You' Read 'Us' >>

°°°°°°° 01/04/21

Copyright © 2021 full-of-jams. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy, repost or translate without permission.

why thank you! always glad to be of assistance 💦

You

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Summary: He loves himself, but he loves you more.

Genre: yearning, angst, slow burn

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: This story was originally inspired by a vcut (which I can't link because tumblr otherwise won't tag this post). My first draft was meant to be spunky and flirty, but as I played around with the idea and cried my eyes out to Blue & Grey, I realized I really wanted to write about yearning.

°°°°°°°

“Go out with me.”

“Absolutely not.”

It was a futile question, Kim Taehyung knew it was a futile question, but he was nothing if not persistent. A slow, intentional pucker appeared on his lips. He wasn’t truly upset, he never was. The push-and-pull had become a ritual - almost like a dance - exhilarating, tiring, never-ending.

If he was being honest with himself, he was a twinge upset, but he quickly allotted this feeling to his bruised ego. He simply wasn’t used to being rejected, people rarely said no to him. Maybe he should have been used to it by now, you rejected him constantly.

A small sigh reached Taehyung’s ears. He spotted your assistant ogling at him with lovelorn eyes. This was the reaction he had hoped to elicit, not the irritated cough you made from behind your camera. Then again, this was why he liked you. You were not one to ogle.

„Focus,“ you chided, a frosty stare directed at him, but your voice loud enough that he knew your words were meant for all. ”Let’s try and wrap this up early tonight. Look to the top left for me.“

Taehyung immediately wiped away his pout and got his head back in the game. There was no denying that he liked his fair share of fun and games, but work was something he took very seriously. His climb up the ladder had been staggeringly fast and dizzyingly high, but he never forgot the blood, sweat and tears shed to get and stay there. The view up top was dazzling and radiant, but the fall steep and the ledge always precariously close.

Over the years he became one of the highest paid faces in the industry. Initially known as a chameleon, always able to melt into the client’s and photographer’s vision, he was considered a secret weapon. Almost like a paintbrush, a powerful tool capable of creating great beauty if wielded right. As time went by Taehyung noticed that he didn’t need to be wielded anymore, he grew into a unique, magnificent color and everyone wanted to paint their canvas with him to get that special Taehyung touch.

With your sharp eyes hidden safely behind the camera, Taeyhung decided that a little professional mischief didn’t hurt - he liked to consider it creative freedom. Skipping the suave stare-into-the-sky look you asked for, he leaned back against the wall and put on a seductive, half-lidded smirk. As expected, you briefly looked up from you viewfinder and gave him a silent look. He could almost see the small red flames spring to life in your eyes.

Say something, Taehyung thought.

A lick of warmth and apprehension coursed through his body as you scrutinized him top to bottom, but not a second later it was chased away by ice cold disappointment. The fiery red dissipated and made way again for the unreadable blank gaze you reserved solely for him. Your eyes found what you were looking for and returned their attention back to the viewfinder.

Click, click. Click, click.

There once were days where silence was rare. He loved your words. He loved the sound of your words, the meaning of your words, he loved seeing his life through your words. Some were gentle and kind, others were harsh and ugly, but he always knew that every word that left your lips was the truth. He used to ask himself why someone who loved rawness and realness so much ventured into a world so fake and superficial. You simply smiled and said that you liked the challenge. You enjoyed unraveling people’s true colors.

In those moments he remembered that while he may be of unusual color, you were the true artist. With your bold, courageous strokes you painted the world vivid, you painted his world vivid.

Your work, your eyes, your words mesmerized him, but then again, everything that was bright and vivacious mesmerized Kim Taehyung.

However, you also terrified him. Nothing escaped your scrutinizing look. Where you saw color, you also saw light and shadow. In your eyes there was nowhere to hide, in your eyes there was truth, in your eyes people were laid bare.

Taehyung hated being stripped bare. He was an oxymoron, who loved being seen by you, because you saw differently, but also feared what you would find when you saw too much. He knew you could easily peek beyond the polished veneer he carefully crafted, but he also knew that once you were in there was no stopping. His twinkling eyes and pearly laugh redirected anyone’s attention but for yours.

Sometimes he allowed himself to reminisce on where you and him went wrong.

It was the one and only quarrel he ever had with you, the day after the kiss.

Looking back, Taehyung realized the kiss was inevitable. Two young people - friends - fresh in their careers, giddy and high on their new-found success, alone in that beautiful city. After a week of job after job after job, it was the last free day, the only free day, to enjoy your time in a place so magical. The kiss was almost like the natural conclusion to a perfect day.

Maybe what happened afterwards was also inevitable. Taehyung has always loved things that made his life bright, back then he was just too dumb and naive to realize that you lit him up the brightest. Blinded by the glistening facade and meaningless expectations, he wanted to shine even brighter, so bright it landed him the front page of the tabloids the next day with a person he cared for not.

The quarrel was ironically short for the rift it caused. You told him that life wasn’t a show and feelings were not a seasonal trend to follow. He told you that this was the truth of the industry and he didn’t need the opinions of a hypocrite.

Taehyung didn’t think much of the fight, your words cut, but the pain was shallow. Just because you always spoke your truth, didn’t mean it was the truth. He only realized later that his words left much deeper wounds.

After that day the words he cherished stopped and the truths he once could easily read from your eyes vanished. Only after your words stopped coming, did your last words begin to burn and sink deeper into his skin.

Taehyung’s world shined brighter and brighter, people around him slathered themselves in the colors they thought he wished to see, but you instead turned into a blank, unreadable canvas. Still speaking truths, but never more than necessary. You laughed, you joked, you looked him in the eyes, but your eyes were always kept void.

Sometimes when the day was long or when you were particularly annoyed at him, a crack would appear in your hard wall and an exhausted flicker of grey or a lick of fiery red would return to your gaze. He savored those little moments and desperately searched for more.

“You’re still working on your photo book,” Taehyung said after switching to the third pose.

The clicking stopped and you slowly lowered the camera to reveal your carefully neutral face. “Yes and you rejected every one of my offers to be a part of it.”

He snorted at the slight defensiveness in your tone, you couldn’t stand him, but you loved working with him. “You know you could get anyone you wanted to be part of your book, you don’t need me in it.” He omitted that the only reason he declined was because he was scared that you’d be disappointed with what you’d find. This wasn’t some random project for a glossy magazine, this was raw, this was real, this was you.

“I like your face, you have complex expressions,” you said as a matter of fact, “Can you put your hand in your pocket?”

Complex expressions for complex emotions. There were so many things he felt and couldn’t discern, but one thing he could discern was that he hated how your colors vanished from his sight. He hated that worse than showing him dark blue sadness, burning orange anger or jet black hatred you showed him nothing.

He hated that you, who once illuminated his world, decided to diminish…

No, he suddenly realized, I was the one who suffocated your flame.

Your words from long ago sank deeper and deeper and finally reached his heart.

All this time he mourned the colors you withheld, and wondered if this was your way of punishing his foolishness. But now he understood the culprit was he. There was no one to blame but himself. He insatiably devoured what you so ardently gave and never once questioned the price behind such an earnest heart. His words stabbed your vibrant soul and bled it dry.

True colors. It was honesty that you craved. The splendid, the grotesque, the delicate, the crude, the perfect, the broken. Hiding from you was useless, his fears were groundless. What he feared long became reality. All his hideousness, concealed beneath his glittering mask, he had exposed on his own long ago. What more was there left to discover if he lifted it off his face?

His sincerity? His hopes? His dreams?

He always took your sincerity, your hopes, your dreams to color his own life. Maybe, this time, he was brave enough share his and color yours instead. Could he do it?

“I can do it,” he said clearly, with conviction.

Again, you lowered the camera and gave him a quizzical look. “What? Put your hand in your pocket? I hope so.”

“I can do your project,” he said, “I will do your project.” He hoped you could hear the certainty in his voice, see the earnestness in his face.

Your eyes pierced him and searched for answers. “Don’t expect me to say yes to you, just because you said yes to me.”

“No expectations,” he said softly, “just as friends.”

Taehyung fought hard to hold you gaze. He felt bare, he felt exposed, he felt seen.

“Fine,” you finally said, “as friends.“

°°°°°°° 26/03/21

Copyright © 2021 full-of-jams. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy, repost or translate without permission.

Yo...

I came across this post again and laughed my ass off, so you bet I just scoured the internet for an hour just to create these prompts.

1) Jinkook, Strangers2Enemies, Joseon Dynasty AU, 6k (credit @fyeahbangtaned)

JJK: You did not just insult my chilli peppers! KSJ: Feeling spicy today, are we? At least that makes one of you. MYG: Out of my way, peasants!

2) Jikook, Idiots2Lovers, College AU, 4k

MYG: *whispers* 10$ he won't get it. JHS: *whispers* 10$ he will. JJK: Are you flirting with me? PJM: Yeah, is it working? JHS: Pay up.

3) Namjin, Just Lovers, Parents AU, 13k

KSJ: Let's have 5 kids he said. It will be fun he said. KNJ: Parenthood is not a sprint, it's a marathon, honey.

4) Vmin, Soulmates, 80s School AU, 25k

PJM: Pinky promise? KTH: Pinky promise.

5) Sope, Just Idiots, Sports Club AU, 8k

JHS: Look Coach! I learned a new trick that's totally gonna throw our opponents off! MYG: You're doing amazing, sweetie.

Omg I loved “You” and “Me”- do you think you’ll be writing another part?

First - 💕 Second - I can neither confirm nor deny that question. 🤫

love love love tangsuyuk love!!! i hope you have agreat day as i started mine with your fic! ❤️

Thank you for your lovely message!!! Waking up to this really made my day! 💜

hello! how are you? =) I was wondering if Good Riddance is on hiatus? Thank you so much for writing this and I hope you are doing okay

Hello dearest reader! 

I doing well (everything considered), thanks a lot for asking 🥰

Yes, I would say Good Riddance is currently on hiatus, although for how long I cannot say. I do have the entire story mapped out, it’s just writing has been really difficult for me recently 😢

I had a huge personal slump during the second half of 2020 and it unfortunately also affected my writing. Right now I do feel like things are getting back on track again, and I started working on some other non-GR ideas which definitely brought back some of my motivation.  

Sorry if my answer is rather vague, but I want to keep it honest. I’m really grateful for your kind words. Thanks for enjoying my stories and asking for my well-being. I hope you’re also doing okay 💚