Venting/me Being Depressed

venting/me being depressed

one part about withdrawing is feeling like it'd be best to just quietly disappear. don't see why anyone would ever desire to talk to me, hardly have any value as a person. it's hard to see anything in future when you're thoroughly convinced you're going to die alone and deserve it. at this point am more just breathing than living, hope for body to not wake up again every time i go to bed.

am not at risk of doing anything btw, it's more that just waiting for it to be over sorta thing i guess.

is fandom merch envy a thing? if not amma make it a thing cause lookin for stuff for these two is just

bruh

minor life note: due to doctor/health nonsense I'm off both adhd and mood stabilizer meds. hopefully gonna get around to scheduling a psych soon, keeps not happening cause energy and executive dysfunction. for time being sorz if i'm a mess, if i ever seem concerning it's impulsivity + low swing and will be fine. 9/10 times its me being cranky from lying in bed dead tired with a headache for 6-8 hours yet not sleeping any [not joking, happened multiple times recently and it sucks]

"Wait so if you're a bee for Halloween are you a furry? See that doesn't-thats- that sounds fucked up, that doesn't sound correct."

Seeing one of fav metalcore vocalists in a walrus onesie discuss whether or not crabs are animals was not something I realized I needed.

attempts at being in a group in any way results in mind screaming, "They were better without you, you're just ruining it for others." and stressing till it's painful to breathe.

dunno whats wrong with head but wouldn't wish this on anyone

not being able to do things you were looking forward to cause body refuses to sleep or wake up for no reason sucks.

hesitant to see a psych cause they'd probs put me under watch [couldn't fault them, most of time is spent thinking about dying these days]. its hard to even just talk to people cause the feeling that i'm better off dead is so loud i end up shutting down.

what are your age hcs for tatsuki and soutarou? and misc hcs for urotsuki?

Gonna be blunt, head is a cluttered junkyard and I'm a rambler with zero self control when right conditions are met [you ask about Special Interests]. plus am tired and really out of it from work cause we had inventory and i ordered too many lunchables [oscar mayer can go to hell]. Will do best to make this coherent, or at least intelligible, but apologies if it's a bit of a mess.

Age Headcanons [If we're going for what they are in game]

Short answer: Soutarou is late 20s-early 30s, Tatsuki ranges between 15-18. [tho ofc when I draw shippy stuff it's an AU and they're both early 20s]

Long answer: Actually thought about this on and off a decent bit and could never really get more than a vague, "Somewhere around this area" for them.

Soutarou is somewhere between late 20s and early 30s. He's old enough to have experienced some shit, try to get clean and back on his feet and get some manual labor experience, and have that ripped from him. Plus some time to isolate and have those thoughts wreck havoc on his mental state.

Tatsuki on the other hand is messier and harder to really give an age to. They could be a kid escaping into fairy tales to avoid reality, or a young adult [18-20] that was forced to grow up too fast and is now suffering from dealing with their fractured identity [have thought about Debris endings occurring around Tats 18th birthday, because they have the "You're not a child, so why do you hold onto such stupid childish fantasies?" thoughts to go on top of everything else and it sorta just breaks them.]

Misc Uro Headcanons

Big Deep angsty Uro hc/kinda what shapes her core for me

You might've heard the quote, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that." by Robin Williams. This more or less summarizes my view of Urotsuki at the core. She may not be weighed down by what other dreamers have gone through, but she knows what it's like to be trapped in darkness and though it may not show, she is doing her best to make others happy because she doesn't want others to go through that. [side note: this is huge part of reason for shipping her with Tatsuki. Feel like they'd be the same, tho Tats is way more introverted. That angsty, "You see through the smiles or notice the little things and softly nudge me to say you understand and are there." sorta thing].

Going off that; for the longest time have hc'd that Uro has struggled with an ED and self image issues in the past and a big part of why she loves food and is okay with being herself, and is so supportive of others doing the same, is because she had to fight to get to where she is and is doing her best to make sure others can simply see the joy in life without experiencing the hell she went through.

More lighthearted/Uro's a goofball hcs

Uro is somewhat lactose intolerant but keeps getting sick because she won't. fucking. stop. eating cheese. Or questionable foods in general. "It smells alright so it's probably fine." [narrator voice: It wasn't fine] sorta things.

Probs mentioned this one before but eh, Uro and Sou are one of few dreamers with a drivers license, and Uro's driving doesn't exactly leave most passengers feeling safe so Sou is constantly stepping in when she offers people a ride. The two bicker at each other like an old couple a surprisingly good bit when eyes aren't on them. This paired with them both being older and able to get drunk makes for quite a scene. [Sabi's laughing, Tats is on the floor trying and failing to hide it.]

She did have a dedicated dream diary at some point, but during a depressive period would start to fill and decorate it with random stuff [silly doodles, poems, stickers , ect], and it's now more like a thought scrapbook or therapeutic outlet for her. Pages that are just her jotting down memories that make her happy have little sticky note bookmarks so she can flip through them when feeling down.

Her head is a mess and all over the place, and her counting sheep is like a ritual she semi-depends on to fall asleep since it gets her to focus on one thing and relax [its a sorta behavioral dependency that if she was somehow barred from doing, she'd probs stress out and not be able to sleep.]

Hope you enjoyed or were at least satisfied with rambling anon ◠⸜⸝◠~

Sabi based on the cover of Dispose by The Plot In You

This album fits her so well, the heavy and despairing atmosphere, distortion, lyrics about loss. RIGGED could straight up her theme, even has a heartbeat in the background. It's metalcore/post-hardcore but could say it feels more like a heavy post-rock sorta, and there's some softer songs on it [THE SOUND and DISPOSABLE FIX are alternative rock/ballad ithink]. also Landon's an incredible singer and worth trying for his voice alone

ALSO am seeing them [for Beartooth tour] in a few days anD GOD THE EXCITEMENT IS FUCKING EATING INSIDES. couldn't take off work that day tho so am gonna be dead af after lol