My First And Only Experience With Love Was Abusive.

My first and only experience with love was abusive.

You were hurting me, abusing me... and I didn't even notice. Because I had no experience and so I thought that that was normal. It wasn't until you did something so bad it left me a complete wreck that I realized this thing between us was wrong. Only then I realized how many times you've scared me, intimidated me, made me feel numb, hurt, used. And just how wrong that was.

And I mean, sure, you were all nice and sweet in the meantime. But that made it only harder to see the wrongness.

And now, when I think about love... all I associate it with is pain and hurt, fear even. And I hate that.

I fear love, because in my experience it equals pain. And I don't want to get hurt. Who does?

I don't want to be hurt, so I don't want to be loved. And that is just so messed up.... I hate you for this. I hate you to the very core of my bones. I've never hated anybody this much. You damaged me on a level you'll never understand.

Sleep doesn't help if you're just tired of life

mooood

People talk about abusers who never say ‘i love you’ but i wish they talked more about the ones that do. The ones that hurt you over and over and leave you ruined and confused because afterwards they tell you how much they love you and how important you are to them. That way you’ll always doubt wether what they did was truly wrong. You’ll never understand what ‘i love you’ means, you’ll always associate it with something painful. ‘I love you’ will lose all meaning. It’s so fucking painful to hear it said by the person who caused you so much pain

seriously

what the hell am I doing