Im Really Scared Of These Negative Feelings Ive Bottled Up For So Long, It Feels Like A Bottle Of Coke

I’m really scared of these negative feelings I’ve bottled up for so long, it feels like a bottle of coke with mentos inside

“I am ridiculous, a fantasy, a dream, something imagined by someone with the darkest kind of mind. I am small and I am sickening and I am not something to be looked at. Close your eyes to the horror that is my soul.”

—

Yes I'm fake.

Every action, every word. I don't sincerely mean any of it.

Wow I just laughed for like 2 hours straight and now I feel so empty. Like depressed empty lol wtf..

“I started off wanting to help people. I would spend my time listening and agreeing and finding myself caught up in the endless dark cave that was the emotions of another human being. I remember the day when I began to wonder why didn’t anyone try to help me? I was 10 years old and I wanted to die, but all I could think about was how to comfort my mother after my dad yelled at her. Sometimes it helped when the darkness inside of me got so bad that all I could do was sit and cry, I told myself that I was a nice person and that was all that mattered. But that’s not all that matters. Not when you’re 12, and you don’t get invited to birthday parties but you still save your money to buy them a present playing Secret Santa all year long. Not when you’re 14 and you friends calls you fat but you spend hours telling them that they’re beautiful and never to let anyone tell them otherwise. Not when you can’t remember how old you are because you’re too busy crying. They made fun of you for being smart and that was the only good thing you had left. Not when you’re 15 and you've given up and nobody likes you. You’re a bitch. A crazy, psycho bitch. And you can barely even remember who you used to be.”

—

excerpt from ‘The Nice Girl’ (via the-ink-ran-out)

And your story, it continues, but it doesn’t get better. You don’t get better. You spend your 16th birthday crying yourself to sleep, but there is no sleep anymore. You are numb. You are lost. You eyes hurt and your thighs hurt and the mirror hurts and oh god how long until I feel better? How long until someone cares about me? You feel so alone.

(via the-ink-ran-out)

Too long, it’s too late, there is no more time to wait. You are fading and you are losing everything that ever meant anything to you. When is your next birthday? When was the last time you felt happy? This has to end somehow.

Unhealthy Obsession

In a world so dark

My desires spark

First my mind,

Then my eyes,

And last my hand

The magic wand

That sends me into a frenzy

My eyes turn hazy

Tears mix with pleasure

Hands no longer used for leisure

But a tool to scrape all the filth I feel

I scream in silence

To my creator I kneel

I beg for forgiveness

Knowing its useless

For I will do it again

And again and again and again

And each time I'll cry

My eyeballs I will wish to pry

My hands I would want to chop off

At my pathetic existence I scoff

To my creator I would question

The reason for this unhealthy obsession

Where exactly did I go wrong?

And where must I go to make it right?